Shinobi Academy!
by Cait123123cait
Summary: Welcome to Shinobi Academy! a school for the gifted, and the mentally disturbed. But which is Sakura Haruno? Follow her, as she attempts to survive crazy teachers, weird friends, school plays and field trips, and her mothers cooking! collaboration fic with Kelpiejh! CRACK FIC! (just for fun!)
1. Chapter 1

**Hello! This is my first fanfic! It is a collaboration story with Kelpiejh! I know its completely strange, but i hope you like it! If you have any ideas for something that could happen in a chapter (or 2) please eigther right it in the comments, or PM me! Thanks! **

**Disclaimer: we don't own Naruto! Boohoo! T_T**

A car pulled up to the front of a school. The sign read: 'Shinobi: A School For The Gifted.' However, the girl in the back seat saw that underneath the sign, it said: 'Or The Mentally Disturbed'. The first thing that crossed her mind was

'Great. I'm going to school with a bunch of freaks.'

As she got out of the car, her waist length hair trailed behind her as she walked into the office. She walked in, the lady at the desk looked at her and smiled.

"Oh! You must be the new student that Tsunade-sama is expecting! Please wait here for her to call you in!"

After about 15 minutes of waiting, she was finally called into the office. As she walked in, she noticed a lady with blonde hair. She turned around and her face lit up as soon as she noticed the newest student.

"Let me see..." She said softly as she rummaged through some files and pulled out one that matched the girl before her.

"You mush be Haruno Sakura. Correct?"

Said girl nodded softly.

"You have the morning to explore the school so you don't get lost later. Feel free to ask anyone for help."

Sakura smiled. "Tsunade-sama?" she asked shyly.

"Yes Sakura?"

"Um, is there anything else I need? Like a schedule... or warnings?"

A look of surprise crossed Tsunade's face as she realized she never gave Sakura her schedule.

"Here you go. I'm sorry. Without my sake I'm really forgetful..."

Sakura sweat dropped. 'Did she really just say that with a straight face?'

Her inner replied. 'Yup. She definitely did...'

Tsunade's voice dragged her out of her conversation with inner.

"One warning. Stay away from the Akatsuki. They're a local gang and can be defined by their black shirts with red clouds on it. All I know is that there are 10 members. However, I don't know who they are."

Sakura was beginning to question her decision to come here in the first place.

"I'll be sure to let you know if I see any of them!"

Tsunade smiled. "I'm sure you will. You did get here on scholarship after all! I'm happy you came. Please enjoy your time here and stay safe."

With that said, Sakura faked a small smile, and quickly hurried out of the room.

'This place is more dangerous than I first thought, seeing as its a school for the gifted and the mentally disturbed. I hope all of my teachers are at least kind of normal.' She thought.

But her thoughts didn't end there. No. Her thoughts kept reeling and making her head spin. She was so lost in thought, that she didn't even know where she was going. Evidentially, she crashed into a strange boy, who was unusually soft and cuddly. The fist thing that came to her mind was

"Teddy bear!"

But, to her dismay, she had said that out loud. The boy stared at her in horror. Afraid that she might get picked on as well. The boy looked at her and said:

"Get out of here! You might get picked on as well!"

Sakura looked at him confused. "You're being picked on? By who?"

The boy pointed ahead of him. There stood a taller boy, with lavender eyes and slicked back silver hair. She walked up confidently to the boy.

"Do you know who was picking on my new teddy?"

The boy stared at her in shock before smiling.

"That's me! I totally did that!"

The pinkettes eyes narrowed as she swiftly punched him in the gut hard enough to make him keel over with pain.

"Leave my teddy bear alone! You hear me?"

She turned back to her "teddy".

"C'mon! You can show me around a bit! Whats your name?" Sakura asked excitedly. A complete turn around from her previous attitude.

As she helped him up, she heard a whisper.

"Pardon? I didn't quite catch that."

His eyes widened.

"I'm Akamichi Chouji. Whats your name?"

She gave him a gentle smile. "I'm Haruno Sakura. A new student here. Decide for your self if I'm a genius or mentally disturbed."

The boy on the floor smirked. 'Haruno Sakura huh? I'll remember you.'

She walked away, happily chatting with Chouji. Soon the bell rang and Chouji (her teddy bear) left after she glomped him again.

As he walked away, he was concerned for the safety of the one person brave (or stupid) enough to go against THE most violent member of Akatsuki: Aka Hidan! Sakura skipped down the hallway, stopping only to admire a set of wonderfully crafted dolls. Or were they puppets? She couldn't tell.

But what caught her attention the most, was an even bigger "puppet" that was almost life-like. She reached up, and brushed her fingers across his cheek, completely missing the light blush that crept up his face at her touch.

"Wow! it's so well done! It even feels like a real person!" she exclaimed.

"Hm." was the puppets response.

"And it talks too! So cool!"

"I am not a puppet. I am human. Though I'm not sure you are."

Sakura stared at him, in complete shock.

"I'm sorry! you weren't moving! And your standing next to puppets, or dolls, or whatever they are! I just got... wait a minute! What do you mean 'I'm not sure you are'?"

The boy stared at the girl in front of him.

"What's your name kid?" was his only response.

"Sakura. Haruno Sakura. And you? Whats your name Puppet Boy?" she asked. Now trying to make him mad.

It seems her efforts were immediately rewarded. A tick mark appeared on his forehead.

"What did you just call me?" he spoke.

She chose to pause for dramatic effect!

"I HATE to be kept waiting you know..."

'Well' she thought. 'maybe adding dramatic flair wasn't such a good idea after all.'

'Ya got that right'

'Inner! Why do you choose the worst times to pop up?!'

'Not quite sure myself actually.'

'Wow. Real smooth.'

'You should probably answer. Hes getting angry... just saying.'

She looked back at him. "I called you puppet boy. You be the judge of that. But rest assured. I'm just as sane as you!" she took the moment of distraction at her statement to stealthily run off (like a ninja!).

She continued skipping down the hallway, even when a teacher started staring strangely. She turned and flashed him a winning smile before sprinting down the next hallway she found.

The teacher retreated into his classroom. "Well class, I just saw a skipping girl in the hallway. So naturally I had to stare..."

silence.

"LIAR!"

Eventually classes changed again. A girl with obnoxious RED hair tripped her. She began to fall, face first towards the floor. She noticed someone about to catch her, so naturally, she did a couple of hand springs and back-flips to get out of the way, much to the astonishment of the entire hallway of kid, leaving them in awe as she sprinted down another hallway. The red haired girl, followed in close pursuit, in hopes of catching the girl.

Nearby, Chouji pointed her out to his best friend Shikamaru. "See Shikamaru? That's her! The one who saved me from Hidan!"

Sakura, upon hearing that, blushed at her new friends statement. Then turned around and saw the red haired girl in front of her.

"Just who do you think you are to trip me?"Sakura asked, voice dripping with acid and venom.

"Karin. And you had better stay away from MY Sasuke-kun! Or I will be forced to show you your place. And you don't want that." Karin sneered.

Sakura then took a minute and looked around. She was amazed at the size of the crowd that had come to watch the fight. But what caught her eye the most was the sea of black with red clouds that was watching. But she pretended not to notice.

She turned back to the issue at hand. Karin was now charging her. Sakura did the first thing that came to her mind.

She pulled her right arm back, wait gathered all the strength she could, and then 'SMACK'. Her fist collided with Karin's face, knocking the girl unconscious. Three of Karin's followers ran away screaming at the sight.

Everyone just stared.

Meanwhile, Hidan was actually excited for once.

"See guys? She's the one who punched me! It hurt like hell!"

They were used to his antics.

"I think I'm in love!"

the entire Akatsuki stared at him, looked back at the girl, then back at him. Recognition flashed across Sasori's eyes.

"Hey, Hidan,"

"Yeah Sasori?"

"She's insane. Just warning."

The rest of Akatsuki stared at the unusual interaction.

"Danna? What would you know about her anyways?"

"Deidara?"

"Yes Danna?"

"Shut. Up."

Silence returned. Of course, before it was broken once again.

"Wow! Tobi really wants to talk to pretty lady! Tobi is going right now!" Tobi ran off before anyone could stop him. Actually, it was very similar to the way the pinkette had fled fled a few minutes earlier.

She escaped inside the school before feeling a tap on her back. Turning around, she was already in a defensive stance that she taught herself. She was face-to-face with a swirling mask that reminded her of a lollipop.

Unable to resist, she leaned forward, and closed her eyes. Tobi was worried. Was the pretty lady going to kiss him? Then, her tongue darted out from her mouth and licked him.

"Wow!" she exclaimed. "You DO taste like a lollipop!"

She turned around. Viridian meeting onyx.

"Here! Have this!" she said, dropping a lollipop (cherry flavoured :p) in his hand before running off once again.

Tobi just stood there frozen. Until he heard laughing from behind him. He turned around to see Deidara standing there, laughing so hard, he was having trouble breathing.

"that... was... Haha! so... funny...! she... actually said... that you...you tasted like a lollipop!" he finally managed to say.

"Ya? Well pretty lady gave Tobi a lollipop. Tobi really likes pretty lady and Tobi thinks pretty lady really likes Tobi too! So there! She likes Tobi better than she likes Diedara-sempai!" Tobi said.

Then he took off. Hoping to find his 'Pretty Lady' as he called her.

'Pretty lady will be Tobi's! Then Tobi gets all the lollipops Tobi wants!' Tobi thought.

Oh how he wanted to that to come true! Even if she did say he tasted like a lollipop.

'But who doesn't like lollipops? They taste soooo good! They are Tobi's favourite food!'

Tobi decided that, based on his logic of everyone liking lollipops, that pretty lady liked Tobi.

Deidara stared dumbfounded after the quickly retreating figure of the lollipop boy.

'What has Akatsuki come to?' he thought.

Sakura continued skipping down the halls, until the lunch bell rang. She walked over to the cafeteria that she had found earlier. The room fell silent as soon as she entered. Viridian eyes scanned the room. She smiled as soon as she noticed her teddy bear. She grabbed some lunch and walked over.

"Hey teddy!" Chouji looked over and smiled. "Can I sit here? You're, like, the only person I know."

He nodded and she sat down next to him.

"Hey. Are you the person who beat up Karin?" she looked up slowly to see a boy with cerulean blue eyes and blonde hair. He also had whisker marks on his face.

"Umm, is Karin that girl with the red hair?"

"Yeah- tebayo."

She looked surprised. "Well do you see any other pink haired girls around here? Didn't think so!" she remarked sarcastically. "I'm Haruno Sakura. You?"

He smiled a mega watt grin. Uzumaki Naruto- dattebayo!"

She smiled a soft smile. "Nice to meet you Naruto! Who's everyone else?"

Naruto smiled. "This is Teme, she's Hinata-chan, he's that jerk Kiba, the quiet guy is Shino, the lazy bum is Shikamaru, the screeching girl is Ino, the creep is lee, the girl with hair buns is Tenten, and the guy with long hair is Neji. We have others in our group, but they're not here at the moment."

Sakura looked around the table at everyone. They were all smiling at her.

"Why is everyone in the cafeteria looking at me?" she asked Naruto.

"Well Sakura-chan, you beat up Karin. Everyone hates her. Therefore, everyone likes you! I think. Even Lee over there hates her. And he likes everyone. Dattebayo."

"Ok. Next question. Why does everyone hate her? I know why I hate her, but what about you guys?" Sakura asked.

"I hate her cause she claims to be my girlfriend."

Sakura looked at the guy who spoke. "You're Teme right?" she asked.

"My name is Sasuke."

"Oh." was all she said.

"Why would she say that?"

"Because apparently she wants me."

"Why?" everyone laughed at that. Though Uchiha Sasuke just smirked

"You don't like Teme?" Naruto asked.

"Why would I? I barely know him."

Sasuke stared at her. He felt an unnatural urge to hug the first girl in forever to not fall for him right when they see him, and for not being a fangirl. Sakura was the first girl, to not be attracted to him for unnatural reasons.

She cocked her head to the side. She was, dare he think it, cute. An obnoxious voice snapped Sasuke out of his thoughts.

**So theres chapter 1 peoples! I hope you liked it! See u later!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hello! How did you all like the first chapter? We hope you liked it bunches! And guess what? Theres bunches more! And we hope to hear of some of your ideas soon! We may run out of ideas for our story. But we promise! We will do all that we can to keep this story going! Now, we know that you probably wanna read the story. So we will stop this sense-less chatter, and cut to it! **

**Disclaimer: no matter what we try, we cannot convince Mr. Kishimoto to give us Naruto. So until he does, we must say, in a very depressed tone, we do not own Naruto. Now, on a completely different note, does any one got any TNT, or a jackhammer? If so, plz let us know. Or mostly Cait123123cait. She needs it for a... project... yes. that's what this is... a project.**

"Ne, ne!? Pretty lady who gave Tobi a lollipop! Come sit with Tobi or Tobi will drag you there!"

Everyone stared at the teenager with the mentality of a 5 year old. Sakura's eyes widened in realization.

"I'm sorry lollipop! I'm sitting with teddy today. I'll sit with you tomorrow! Oh, if you see Puppet Boy, let him know to blink every once and a while. Oh and remind him I'm just as sane as he is. Kay?"

Tobi was puzzled. "Tobi will! Tobi will go lecture Sasori-sempai right now! What should Tobi call pretty lady?"

"I'm Sakura."

"Ooh! Cherry-chan! Tobi will listen to Cherry-chan forever!"

He soon skipped away, leaving everyone at her table staring at her. She had just made the weirdest member of Akatsuki listen to her. That was on the schools list of impossible tasks. Nobody was able to make him do anything without either being annoyed or being refused.

She turned to face them. Smiling, she noticed Shikamaru's calculating gaze.

'Hmm...' she thought. 'Maybe we're more alike than I thought.'

'Darn straight!' her inner replied. 'I'd like to get to know him and the guy with the shades. What was his name again?'

'Shino.' she smiled at Shino and Shikamaru, who were suddenly wary of her actions. She was tricky.

'What's this girl thinking? Why is she smiling at me and Shino like that? AND how in the world did she get TOBI of all people in the school, to listen to her? How? Its not really possible.' Shikamaru thought.

He wondered what everyone else thought.

'...' were Shino's thoughts. He didn't know WHAT to think.

'Tobi... He listened... To some new girl... NO... Not just some new girl. Sakura. The girl who made me want to hug someone... NO! Stop thinking about her... it cant be normal. Maybe... dare I say it... Itachi and his weird friends (insert mental gagging noise here) will know the answer.' Sasuke thought.

All 3 of them were looking at Sakura as she was now chatting with Ino, Naruto, and Kiba about god only knows what messed up girly think they were talking about. And they really didn't want to know the answer to that question.

Sasuke zoned back into the conversation only to hear the following:

"I want to go into the medical field so I can see people's guts fall out!"

'... Was that Sakura? And she was sharing her... ahem... 'interests' with Ino, Kiba and the Dobe.' Sasuke thought.

"Um, Sakura? Do you think we could have... um, girl talk?" Ino said shyly.

Sakura smiled. "Sure! I don't mind."

They moved over to the corner of the table.

"Well forehead, Sasuke is mine. Not yours, not Karin's. MINE! Do not touch him."

Sakura deadpanned. "According to Naruto, he's a bastard. I wouldn't touch him with a ten foot pole."

Ino was surprised. 'There is no way this girl isn't desperately in love with Sasuke Uchiha. Maybe she admires the elder Uchiha instead, Itachi. Although judging by her personality, I would have thought Tobi Uchiha out of the 3 of them.' Ino thought.

Sakura smiled. "Ino, I didn't know Sasuke had a brother. And Tobi's related? Thanks for letting me know!" she whispered.

She moved back beside her teddy. "Don't worry Teddy! I'll never abandon you!"

Shikamaru was concerned for the mental health of his best friend and this girl.

"Hey Sloth?"

No answer.

"Sloth? Hey I'm talking to you!" She poked Shikamaru in the shoulder. "Seriously! Listen to me here! Lets be friends." she said. She held out her hand for him to shake.

Shikamaru stared at her. "Sloth? Why is that my nickname?" he asked Sakura.

"Well because Naruto said you were a lazy bum. And sloths are lazy. I think it fits. Why? Do you not like it?" Sakura pouted. She looked like she might cry.

Shikamaru internally freaked out. 'What do I do now?' He looked at Sakura.

"NO! I like it! Don't worry! I was just wondering why you were calling me that! That's all! Please don't cry!"

Sakura smiled brightly. "Ok!" a complete turn around from her previous almost cry fest.

Shikamaru stared at her. Completely shocked that she had just deceived him. Everyone just laughed until the unimaginable happened.

Sakura smiled. "I'll give everyone nicknames! So Sloth and Teddy don't feel alone! You're Kitsune (Naruto), Duck-Butt (Sasuke), Ino-Pig (everyone but Ino laughed), Hina-Chan (Hinata), Neji-san, Tenny (Tenten), Inu-chan (Kiba), Shino, Lee-san. Some of you I don't know so well. So you guys will getting some later.

Everyone seemed ok with the nicknames cough cough _Ino's_ cough cough. Anyways, everyone had fun getting to know the pink haired girl.

After lunch, however, was a completely different story. Gym. As she walked into the gym, she saw an over grown Lee-san, next to the actual Lee-san.

She then looked around the gym, trying to take note on who was there.

"Cherry-chan! Tobi found you! Tobi is really happy to see Tobi's Cherry-chan!"

she looked in the direction the voice had been coming from, and saw Tobi. Next to Tobi, was a very aggravated blonde haired girl. She walked over to them.

"Hi Ino-Pig! Why did you change your hair style?" Tobi fell on the floor laughing.

"I didn't. I'm not little miss copy-cat either." 'her' voice came out low and deep.

Sakura was confused. "Alright gender confused. Why do you look like Ino-Pig?" Tobi started laughing so hard he couldn't breathe. "Tobi... cant... breathe...hahahahahahahahahahaha!"

"Gender confused? Sorry, but I don't know why you would think that."

"Have you seen your hair?"

He ignored her and continued to fiddle with some play-dough he was using. Sakura did the only thing she could think of at the time. She stared.

"Hey, what are you making? Can I see it when you're done?"

He looked up surprised. She smiled at him.

"Aah! Cherry-chan is Tobi's! Cherry-chan can only smile like that for Tobi! Sempai! Stop that!" everyone sweat dropped.

"Saku-chan! um... can we partner up?" Hinata was calling her. Sweet, shy, calm Hinata. She was the complete opposite of the 2 Lees.

"Yosh! New student! Welcome to my youthful gym class! I am Maito Gai! Let us all bathe in the flames of youth together!"

Sakura nudged the person beside her... "Hey... is he always like this?" ...who happened to be Sasuke.

"Hn"

"Ok! I'll make sure to ignore him. Thanks for the heads up!"

"Aa"

"Don't worry. I understand."

'How the hell is she understanding me? I'm barely saying anything!' he thought. "Hn."

"I'm fluent in the art of understanding minor facial expressions, twitches, and mono syllable answers. In other words, I speak your language." everyone around her sweat dropped. There was no way. She turned her attention back to Gai-sensei for class.

"Now my youthful class, today our warm up will be 400 laps around the school!" Gai-sensei shouted. Deidara and Tobi flipped. Simultanously, they ran out of the room screaming.

"Is he for real duck butt?" Sakura asked.

Sasuke Hn-ed.

"Ok. More to look forward to. Yay." she said. Her voice oozing with sarcasm.

Hinata walked over. "H-hello Saku-chan are you ready to run?"

"Not really... but since I have to..."

And so, they ran. After about 10 laps, everyone in the class (with the exception of Lee and Gai) collapsed to the ground.

Tobi ran up to Sakura. "Tobi says hi to Cherry-chan! Cherry-chan did a good job running!" Tobi yelled.

"How do you have so much energy still Lollipop?" Sakura asked.

Suddenly, a luminous shadow loomed over Tobi, making him jump.

"Kisame Sempai! You scared Tobi!"

Kisame just laughed. "That was the idea kid!"

"But Kisame Sempai! You might have scared Cherry-chan too!"

Kisame shifted his gaze to the pinkette. "Sorry. Did I scare you?"

She looked up confused. "Were you trying to?"

"Umm... no."

"Great! Cuz if you were, well lets just say you failed. You're not scary at all! Sure you're blue, and huge, but you seem nice. I know! I'll call you... Fishy-chan!"

Both Akatsuki members were startled.

"B-b-but... Cherry-chan only needs to have nickname for Tobi! Tobi is a good boy! Kisame-sempai is mean and scary! Only good boys get nicknamed by Cherry-chan!"

Kisame looked hurt by this statement. Sakura tapped his arm and peered into his eyes. She didn't notice, but he started blushing,(his cheeks getting a purple tint) an action that didn't go unnoticed by Naruto or the rest of Akatsuki.

She flicked him.

"So are you insane?"

A shocking question that seemed to come out of nowhere.

"WHAT!?"

"Are you?" she pushed for an answer.

"I'm not sure..."

"Oh." she seemed upset. "I like crazy people. I like normal people too, they're just boring in comparison.

Kisame looked hurt at her statement, but quickly regained his composure.

"So Blossom-chan, how many of the Akatsuki have you met so far? Other than Tobi and me." Kisame asked.

Hhuh? I wasn't aware that I had met any of the Akatsuki..." soon, she remembered the large group who had been sporting black shirts with the red clouds who had been watching her fight with Karin.

"So, a red head who likes puppets, a purple eyed silver haired guy, and a blonde gender confused he-she, are all in Akatsuki with you two?" she questioned.

"Yup!" they both answered.

"..." she was speechless.

The 3 of them stared at each other for a couple more seconds before Tobi broke the silence.

"Cherry-chan! Guess what? You get to meet the rest of Tobi's friends tomorrow when we get to eat lunch together!" Tobi yelled.

This continued for the rest of gym class. Next they had history with Sarutobi Asuma-sensei. She walked into the class and got introduced (finally!)

"Hello! I'm Haruno Sakura. Nice to meet you!" she smiled.

Asuma-sensei looked towards the class. "Does anybody have any questions for Haruno-san?"

Hands shot up all around the room. Asuma was suspicious when every single Akatsuki in his class had a question. They usually don't even try to interact with the class.

'I should report this to Tsunade-sama.' he thought.

"Well then. Karin?"

"Do you have a crush on Uchiha Sasuke?"

Silence. It seemed every girl had a similar question.

"Sasuke? Um... you mean the Teme with the duck- butt hair who only replies with one word?" she smiled. "Wouldn't touch him with a 10 foot pole!"

Itachi, who sat at the back of the room, was amused. However, he knew if it wasn't his little brother, it was likely him.

"Do you like Itachi-sama?"

More silence.

"Who?"

Sweat drops.

Asuma looked surprised. "Konan?" Asuma selected.

"Sakura-san, what is your hobby?"

She smiled. "I like confusing myself, everyone, and everything," everyone was startled. "Decide for yourself. I'm just as sane as you!"

And so, for the whole first half of class, questions were asked and answered and everyone learned lots about the new pink haired girl. The actual class itself was boring.

After class, Sakura was walking down the hall, and saw who she thought was Sasuke.

"Hey Duck-Butt! When did your hair get longer?" she said, tapping Itachi on the shoulder. Itachi turned and looked at her.

"I'm not Sasuke." was all he said.

"Huh? Oh then who are you?" Sakura was now curious as to why he looked like Sasuke.

"Itachi Uchiha."

Sakura's face lit up. "I'm gonna call you Weasel. Anyways... are you gonna stop staring at me? It's kinda weird."

Itachi blinked. He wasn't aware he had been staring at her. But soon realized he was. And he knew why. She was the first girl he had ever met, who wasn't a fangirl. And it was interesting to be around the girl.

He wondered about Sasuke's reaction to her.

'I wonder what mom would think... Sasuke and me might be rid of a possible fangirl, but she might want to meet her...'

"Bye bye Weasel! See you later!" she skipped off down the hall towards her next class.

She walked into her English class with Yuhi Kurenai-sensei. Her face lit up when she saw Puppet Boy and the gender confused he-she. She walked over to the desk in between them.

"Hey!"

Both of them stopped their arguments.

"Hey Pinky." the red head spoke.

"Alright," Yuhi-sensei said. "please find a trio for a project. Come to me when you've chosen."

Sakura immediately grabbed the 2 boys beside her. Sasori and Deidara had visable shock on their faces.

"Kurenai-sensei! Here's my group!"

"Alright what are your names?"

"I'm Haruno Sakura. This is...umm...what are your names?" the last part was whispered.

"Akasuna Sasori and this idiot is Katsu Deidara." Kurenai nodded and wrote them down on her paper.

"Now, here's what you need to do..."

**so there you have it folks! The next instalment of Shinobi Academy! Please let us know what you think! And of any ideas that may have surfaced! And we are still looking for that jackhammer. Anyways, next chapter will be up in 2 weeks! Please wait till then for more weirdness from us! See ya! **


	3. Chapter 3

**Hello! We are back! Did you miss us? Well, its alright if you didn't. We are now here anyways. You wont get rid of us that easy! And if you DID happen to miss us, well then its ok! We are here now! I promise! And now, on with what we must do. **

**Disclaimer: we do not own Naruto (insert crying and hysterical bawling noises here. Just for added effect!) and we ALSO (yes. There is an ALSO. Be afraid people. VERY AFRAID! MWAHAHAHAHA! Ahem. I mean... ya. You know what i mean. I think...) don't own Shakespeare. **

**Enjoy!**

Everyone sweat dropped.

'What does she want us to do?' Sakura thought.

'Duh! She wants you, Puppet Boy, and the gender confused he-she to perform a scene from Romeo and Juliet. Eeeeeee! You get to act out a part of one of the most romantic plays with 2 super cute guys! DON'T SCREW THIS UP!' Inner replied.

Sakura was so lost in her train of thought, that she didn't hear her 2 partners calling her name.

"SAKURA-CHAN! (un)"

"Huh? What?" she asked.

"Which one of us, me or that idiot Deidara, will be Romeo?" Sasori asked.

Sakura felt like messing with them, so she got an idea.

"Deidara..."

His face lit up. "Yeah? un..."

"You can be Juliet. She had blonde hair, and you're the only one in the group who has blonde hair. Sasori can be Romeo, and I will be one of the other characters from whatever scene we do."

"WHAT!" they both yelled.

"Yeah! If you guys play the two leads, then it would be better since you guys already have as much chemistry as Romeo and Juliet have throughout the play." Sakura explained.

"NO! NOT HAPPENING!" Deidara yelled.

"W-what? Why not?" Sakura pouted. Once again looking like she might cry.

'Damn! What do I do? If Tobi finds out I made her cry, hes gonna kill me! but if I agree, then no one will ever let me live this down!' Deidara thought.

Sasori smirked. He had seen what she had done to that Nara boy over lunch and knew what she was doing now. And it was quite entertaining to him. Even if he didn't want Deidara to be Juliet.

"AAHHHH! Fine! I will be Juliet. Just please don't cry!" Deidara pleaded.

"Haha! Ok! No crying! Who knew you had a soft spot Dei-chan!" Sakura laughed.

"WHAT! I do not! Its just... if you cryed... tobiwouldkillme." he said the last part so fast and quiet, she missed it.

"I'm sorry, what was that?"

Sasori, much to the blonde's dismay, had heard what he had said.

"He said Tobi would kill him."

Sakura laughed. "Why are you so scared of Tobi?"

"I'M NOT! He just gets really violent. Especially if it involves one of his friends."

After that, they chose a scene, and got to work practising for the rest of the class. They soon found out that after each group presented a scene from a Shakespeare play, they would decide on one and pick the roles via ladder game. The funniest part was they were presenting their scenes at the end of the class! They practised until Kurenai-sensei called the groups up to the front. They watched Macbeth's death, Bottom being turned into a donkey and many others. Eventually it was their turn. They did a variation of the death scene. "Alright, please introduce your play." Sakura walked forward. "We are doing the death scene of Romeo and Juliet." Sasori stayed in the middle of the room while Sakura and Deidara walked off to the side. Sasori took a deep breath and began.

"Thou detestable maw, thau womb of death. Gorged with the dearest morsel of the earth, thus I enforce thy rotten jaws to open!" He leaned over to 'open' the tomb. "And, in despite, I'll cram thee with more food!"

Sakura walked onstage, earning a few confused looks from the audience. Juliet was supposed to be 'dead'!

She glared at Sasori before beginning her lines.

"This is that banisht haughty Montague that murdr'd my love's cousin,- with which grief, it is supposed, the fair creature died,- and here is come to do some villainous shame to the dead bodies: I will apprehend him. Stop thy unhallow'd toil, vile Montague! Can vengeance be pursued further than death? Condemmned villain, I do apprehend thee: obey; and go with me; for thou must die."

Sasori looked slightly uncomfortable.

"I must indeed; and therefore came I hither. Good gentle youth,(Several snickers came from the crowd here, remembering Gai-sensei's choice of words) tempt not a desperate man; fly hence, and leave me:- think upon those gone; let them affright thee. -I beseech thee, youth, put not another sin upon my head, by urging me to fury:- O, be gone! By heaven, I love thee better than myself; for I come hither arm'd against myself: stay not, begone;- live, and hereafter say, a madman's mercy bid thee run away."

Sakura frowned.

"I do defy thy conjurations, and apprehend thee for a felon here."

Sasori's eyes darkened.

"Wilt thou provoke me? Then have at thee boy!" Soon, Sakura fell to the ground clutching at her 'wound'.

"O, I am slain! -If thou be merciful, open the tomb, lay me with Juliet," Deidara started getting a red face from her last line. The rest of the class had just realized that Deidara was playing Juliet!

Sasori was pretending to regret this.

"In faith, I will. -Let me peruse this face: -Mercutio's kinsman, noble Country Paris! -What said my man, when my betossed soul did not attend him as we rode? I think hi told me Paris should have married Juliet: said he not so? Or did I dream it so? Or am I mad hearing him talk of Juliet, to think it was so? O, give me thy hand, one writ with me in sour misfortune's book! I'll bury thee in a triumphant grave; -a grave? O, no, a lantern, slaughter'd youth for here lies Juliet, and her beauty makes this vault a feasting prescence full of light. Death, lie thou there, by a dead man interr'd."

Sasori gently picked up the fallen Sakura, earning him a few growls from some of their classmates.

"How oft when men are at the point of death have they been merry? Which their keepers call a lightning? O my love! My wife! Death that hath suckt the honey of thy breath, hath had no power yet upon thy beauty: thou art not conquer'd; beauty ensign yet is crimson in thy lips and in thy cheeks, and Death's pale flag is not advanced there. Tybalt, liest thou there in thy bloody sheet? O, what more favour can I do to thee, than with that hand that cut thy youth in twain to sunder his that was thine enemy? Forgive me cousin! -Ah, dear Juliet, why art thou so fair? Shall I believe that unsubstantial Death is amourus; and that the lean abhorred monster keeps thee here in dark to be his paramour? For fear of that, I will stay with thee; and never from this place of dim night depart again: here, here I will remain with worms that are thy chamber-maids; O, here will I set up my everlasting rest; and shake the yoke of inauspicious stars from this world-wearied flesh. -Eyes look your last! Arms, take your last embrace! And, lips, o you the doors of breath, seal with a righteous kiss, a dateless bargain to engrossing death! -Come, bitter conduct, come, unsavoury guide! Thou desperate pilot, now at once run on the dashing rocks thy sea-sick weary bark! Here's to my love!" Sasori picked up the 'poison' (really some water) and drank it.

"O true apothecary! Thy drugs are quick. -Thus with a kiss, I die." He slumped over on top of the other two. After about 10 seconds, Deidara opened his eyes and sat up.

"Where is my lord? -I do remember well where I should be, and there I am: where is my Romeo?" He spied the cup of 'poison'. "What's here? A cup, closed in my true love's hand? Poison, I see, hath been his timeless end: -O churl drunk all, and left no friendly drop to help me after? -I will kiss thy lips: haply some poison yet doth hang on them, to make me die with a restorative." Deidara leaned over, much to the amusement of the rest of the class, namely the rest of Akatsuki. He pretended to kiss Sasori and mentally gagged.

"Thy lips are warm!" He pretended to hear something. "Yea, noise? -Then I'll be brief, -o happy dagger!" He grabbed the dagger. "This is thy sheath; there rust and let me die!" He 'stabbed' himself and fell over. Applause erupted throughout the class. The Akatsuki all had their cameras out and were taking photos or video of the entire thing. A blue haired girl smirked. "Blackmail!" she sang joyfully. Sasori and Deidara took off without looking and screamed the whole way down the hallway. Funny enough, they went two different directions.

Sakura went and sat beside her. "Hey, I'm Haruno Sakura. You are?" The girl smiled. "I'm Origami Konan. Nice to meet you. Just wondering, did you force those two to play Romeo and Juliet?" Sakura looked shocked. "How did you know?" Konan laughed. "They would never have done this voluntarily. They hate each other!" Sakura's face fell. "Darn, I thought they had great chemistry too. I hope I didn't just lose two new friends..."

"Sakura-chan?"

"Yeah?"

"Why weren't you Juliet?"

"Well, I hate girly roles like that and I suck at being sappy and having many lines. Paris didn't say much, is a boy and he died. That is the reason. I can't memorize lines worth beans!"

'Even though you have an eidetic memory...' Inner scoffed, 'Why won't you tell anyone? You remember everything you've ever touched, smelled, tasted, heard or seen! You'd have no problem with the lines.'

'Well, Inner, I'm trying to stick with the crazy act, remember?'

'Of course I do! I am you after all. I'm the one with the photographic memory, so I remember what file I put that info in.'

'It wouldn't do if I suddenly went all intellectual, now would it? My whole act would be ruined!'

'I guess... Fine, anyways, the bell just rang. Hurry up you lazy bum and go home already. You have a big day tomorrow.'

'Oh here you go again! Getting all smart.'

Sakura gathered her things then hurried home. "Sakura! How was your first day? Tell me all about it! I want to know everything!" Both Sakura and her mom smiled.

"Well, Kaa-san, I helped my Teddy Bear with some bullies, got annoyed by/ beat up an annoying redhead (She insulted my hair!), met a puppet man and a living 5 year old Lollipop mentally, met Teddy's friends, had a crazy phys-ed class where I met a gender confused he-she, an interesting history class where we did practically nothing, an English class where me, Puppet Boy and Mr. Gender Confused acted out the end of Romeo and Juliet and gave blackmail info to their friends." They stared at each other for a couple of minutes. "That's great Sakura, now tell me what really happened..." Sakura sighed, this was going to be a long year...

**and there you have it! We put in Shakespeare! Hope you liked it! And, once again, though you're probably getting tired of us saying this, let us know if you have any ideas for our story! They will be much appreciate it! Bye! Have a nice whatever time of day it is for you right now!**


	4. Chapter 4

**And... (pause for dramatic effect) we are back! You wont get rid of us that easy! We're gunna keep this short. I know we've said that before, but this time i mean it. **

**a huge thanks to koolkidSwaggy for all your support! It is much appreciated! **

**Disclaimer: we do not own Naruto. Only this certain plot line. T_T**

**enough of my silent crying. Enjoy the story!**

The next day, there was an announcement made by Kurenai-sensei.

"Hello students! Shizune and I have talked and decided that we will do a play. Hamlet by Shakespeare. Auditions will be held today after school. All you have to do is read something Shakespeare wrote. One line. Each audition will be no more than one minute long. Please sign up by the end of period 2."

That got Sakura's attention. 'Huh. I think I will audition. I wonder who else will audition as well...'

'Maybe the Akatsuki will. Once they find out you are. They seem quite interested in us.' her inner replied.

"Does anyone wish to sign up? If so, please do so now, before I start teaching." said Kakashi, the math teacher.

Sakura, along with a half black half white guy, Weasel-kun, Fishy-chan, Ino-Pig, and sloth. Along with a couple other nameless people, they all went to sign up for the auditions.

"Hey Cherry-chan! Guess what!? Tobi got Kisame-sempai, Diedara-sempai, Sasori-sempai, and Itachi-sempai to audition! Next Tobi will get Pein-sempai, Hidan-sempai, and Kakuzu-sempai to audition! Konan-chan and Zetsu-sempai are already signing up. Is Cherry-chan proud of Tobi?" yelled Tobi.

"Of course Lollipop! That's awesome! But why would you force them? And how did you get Weasel-kun to audition? He was in my math class all morning." she questioned.

"Tobi talked to Itachi-sempai yesterday. Tobi heard Shizune-sempai and Kurenai-sempai talking about it yesterday. And because Tobi thought it would be more fun if we all auditioned together! Sasori-sempai and Deidara-sempai both thought Cherry-chan would audition since Cherry-chan had so much fun in English class yesterday, performing Romeo and Juliet. Sasori-sempai and Deidara-sempai were gonna go and watch watch you audition. So Tobi decided we should all audition!" yelled Tobi.

Sakura sighed. 'Oh well. I wonder who Pein, Zetsu, and Kakuzu are?' she thought.

'Oh well! We'll probably meet them soon. I hope they're HOT!' her inner started drooling.

'Well, if they're anything like the rest of Tobi's friends...'

'Eeeeeeek! They would be soooo HOT! I CAN'T WAIT!' her inner shrieked.

Sakura mentally face palmed. She was then dragged out of her thoughts when Ino grabbed her arm.

"See that guy over there with the glasses and messy grey hair?" she whispered. Sakura nodded.

"That's Kabuto. Everyone hates him. Some people even say he's working for the science teacher Orochimaru. Please try and stay away from him!" Ino pleaded. Sakura once again nodded.

"I'll try Ino-Pig!" she promised. Ino sighed in relief

"We'd better head back to class. Wouldn't want the notoriously late teacher to mark us down as late now would we?" Ino said sarcastically Sakura just giggled.

Ino then proceeded to drag Sakura back to Kakashi's math class.

In gym, Gai-sensei made them do another cruel and unusual 'exercise' (or as Sakura liked to call them 'cruel and unusual punishments'). But something still bugged her about the look-a-like ness of Gai-sensei and lee. So she decided to find out why exactly they looked so alike. She decided to take some samples of their DNA.

'How can I get samples of their DNA without them knowing what I'm up to?' she wondered.

'Just scratch them! Scratch them hard enough to draw blood, then use that blood for our little DNA testing!' her inner suggested.

'Ya know what? That's actually a good idea! Thanks inner!' Sakura replied.

So she went up to Gai-sensei and (when no one was looking) she hugged him. While she hugged him, he was too happy to realize she had scratched him and was collecting the blood. Next she did the same thing to Lee. Once she got both the samples, she walked over and sat on the bleachers, waiting till the end of class.

Once gym had ended, she had English.

When Sakura walked in to the class she took her seat. Not too long after, the class was quieted and Kurenai said, "Now. I will give back the marks from yesterdays performances. Please get together with your groups, and I will hand out your marks." she announced.

Sakura walked over to where Sasori and Deidara were arguing. Again.

"Hey! Why do you guys always fight?" she asked.

"Our opinions of what true art is, are very different. We have yet to come to an agreement." explained Sasori.

"Well what are your opinions of art then?" she asked.

"Art is... A BANG!" Deidara exclaimed.

"Huh?" Sakura was confused by his statement.

Deidara chuckled, noticing her confusion, explained "I think art is in the fleeting moment when something explodes. It only lasts a second, but when its there, its the most beautiful thing in the sky. My favourite type of art is fireworks. When they explode in the sky, and all the colour shows itself, bright neon against dark black. That's what I think true art is." he clarified.

Sakura now understood why he had said that art is a bang. "What's your opinion puppet boy?" she questioned.

"I think art should be everlasting. It should last for generations. Not just a hundred years, and certainly not just one second. It should be admired by thousands. Not just a couple people. Art should be able to be admired throughout the world. That's what my art is. My art is those puppets you were looking at yesterday." he said.

Just then, Deidara put something in front of Sakura. "Whats this?" she asked, looking at the small white bird that was in front of her.

"This is what I was working on yesterday during gym. You said you wanted to see it when it was done." he reminded her.

"It's beautiful!" she exclaimed. At hearing that, Deidara beamed.

Just then, Kurenai walked over and gave them a sheet. At the top of the page, there was their mark. They had gotten a 99%. The 3 of them stared at it in shock, before Sakura cheered and hugged them both.

"We passed! We passed! We passed!" she exclaimed. "Next time we get to pick partners, I'm gonna work with you guys again. It was so much fun and we passed!"

She was very happy. Sasori and Deidara sighed, before they both hugged the girl back and smiled. They didn't realize that the class was staring at them.

'Those 2 Akatsuki are letting someone hug them?! Not to mention they are hugging her back! I should report this to Tsunade.' thought Kurenai.

After English, they had lunch. During lunch, Sakura sat with Naruto and the gang, and Asuma and Kurenai went to see Tsunade. When they got to her office, they knocked.

"Enter." said Tsunade.

When she saw Kurenai AND Asuma, she knew it wasn't good.

"Kurenai. Asuma. What seems to be the problem?" Tsunade asked.

"Well you see, yesterday, after I introduced Haruno Sakura to the class, I asked if anyone had any questions for her." Asuma started to explain.

"I don't see a problem in that." commented Tsunade.

"No. Not yet. But what's concerning, is I have a couple Akatsuki members in that class. And every single one of them had a question for her. They usually don't do anything that involves interacting with the class." Asuma explained.

Tsunade was silent for almost a minute. "That is unusual. I will admit. What is your issue Kurenai?" she asked.

"Well, yesterday, I had my class make groups of three. They got to pick their own groups. And Sakura's group, was Akasuna Sasori, and Katsu Deidara. And they both smiled at the group. And the three of them worked really well together. And the presentation they gave was to best out of the whole class. When they finished performing, Sakura made a friend out of Konan. Then today, when they got their marks back, Sakura got all excited and cheered. She then hugged Sasori and Deidara. But the thing that got me the most, was they smiled and hugged her back."

Tsunade was speechless. Both stories involved the new girl Haruno Sakura, and the Akatsuki.

"Well. I don't see what we can do. So for now, just keep a close watch on Haruno Sakura, and the Akatsuki. Let them interact with her. But if they decide to try and convince her to join, then you have permission to intervene." after that, Tsunade dismissed them. In all honesty, Tsunade didn't know what to do about the current situation.

Just then, Gai burst into the room. "Tsunade-sama! The youthful principal of Shinobi high! Guess what?" Gai yelled.

"UGH! What?" Tsunade never knew why she had EVER hired him.

"The new pink haired student is now the talk of the school! And the Akatsuki seem to have taken a liking to the new youthful student of Shinobi high! Oh, and I was looking at the sign up sheet for the school play, and it seems all of the members of Akatsuki have signed up for the auditions. Isn't that strange?" exclaimed Gai.

'This is going to be a long day.' thought Tsunade.

Meanwhile, Sakura was in the process of being dragged over to Tobi's table, by Tobi.

'Crap! I forgot! I promised to sit with him today!' she thought.

"Tobi is back!" Tobi yelled to his 'friends'.

His 'friends' groaned. "And Tobi brought Cherry-chan!" he yelled. Excited at his accomplishment. Sakura looked around the table.

"Fishy-chan! Weasel-kun! Mr. Gender confused he-she! Puppet boy!" she then saw Hidan.

"YOU! you're that bastard who was picking on my teddy bear!" she yelled at him.

He just smirked. "Yeah. Whats your point Pinky?" he teased. "He's a f*cking fatty. Of f*cking course I'm gunna f*cking pick on his sorry ass!" he said.

"Alright you censored freak! You asked for it!" Then, without warning, she punched him square in the jaw. She had hit him so hard, that he flew back onto a neighbouring table, earning a few shrieks. When he returned to the table, he smiled evilly at Sakura.

"You, bitch, are truly evil." she was shocked. But it only lasted a second, before she smiled.

"I'm not evil. But remember this you censored freak! I'm just as sane as you are!" she responded.

Sasori smirked and remembered the time he had met her, yesterday morning. Which wasn't all that hard. Not hard at all.

_FLASHBACK!_

"_Wow! It's so well done! It even feels like a real person!" she exclaimed._

_All he could say was "Hm." he didn't know what to say. She was actually admiring his work. No one ever did that before._

_Suddenly she exclaimed "And it talks too! So cool!"_

_He was stunned. "I'm not a puppet. I'm human. Though I'm not sure you are." he had almost laughed at the stunned expression on her face._

"_I'm sorry! You weren't moving! And you're standing next to puppets! Or dolls! Or what ever they are! I just got... WAIT! What do you mean 'I'm not sure you are'?" she had stared at him and he stared back._

"_What's your name, kid?" he had asked._

"_Sakura. Haruno Sakura. And you? What's your name Puppet Boy?" she had asked. He knew she was now trying to make him mad. And it was obvious he WAS mad at her. And she knew that. A tick mark appeared on his forehead._

"_What did you just call me?"_

_She paused. That got him even more mad._

"_I HATE to be kept waiting you know!" he had said._

"_I called you Puppet Boy. You be the judge of that. But rest assured! I'm just as sane as you are!" was her response. In his moment of confusion over what she had just said, she took off running._

_END OF FLASHBACK!_

It was that last line she had said. And she seemed to say it to everyone.

All to soon, lunch was over. Sakura now had history with Sarutobi Asuma-sensei. When she walked in, she sat down next to Konan. (A/N: nothing happened during history class, so we'll just skip it.)

Finally, the end of the day came and Sakura was walking down to the auditions, which were being held in the auditorium, with Ino. When they got there, they saw about half the grade was here.

"Cherry-chan! Cherry-Chan's Deidara-sempai's look-a-like friend! Come over here and sit with Tobi!" Tobi yelled. Ino followed Sakura over.

"hey Lollipop!" said Sakura.

"Tobi says hi to Cherry-chan!" yelled Tobi.

"Hey Sakura? Who's the boy with the orange mask? And why did he call me 'Deidara-sempai's look-a-like'?" Ino asked. Everyone was stunned.

Then Kisame broke the silence. "Hey blondie! How do you not know Tobi? He practically runs around all day screaming his name!" wondered Kisame.

"I didn't know that!" shrieked Ino.

Everyone in the Akatsuki and Sakura all thought the same thing (A/N: blondes: take no offence to this.) 'dumb blonde!'

Their group hung out together with Naruto's group throughout the entire time the auditions were going on. Sasuke avoided the Akatsuki though. And every time one of them went up to audition, the rest of the group would encourage them. Except for Sasuke. He never encouraged the Akatsuki members, and the members of Akatsuki didn't encourage him. Finally, after all the auditions, they were told the roles would be posted tomorrow and then they were allowed to head home.

Once Sakura got home, she greeted her mom, then took the DNA samples that Gai and Lee so graciously gave to her (snicker snicker) down to her lab in the basement. She walked over and inserted the samples into her 'DNA Matcher 5000'and let it do its thing.

'This will take an hour to be able to completely match up the DNA. I guess in that time, I can work on my home work.' she thought.

ONE HOUR LATER!

"Ding!" the DNA had been tested. Sakura got all excited and ran over to see the results. She then froze.

"WHAT! That's how they're related?!" she exclaimed.

On the paper, it had the words: 'Rock Lee. Maito Gai. First cousins. Thrice removed. Twice forgotten.'

She read the sheet over about 5 times, before she fell on the floor laughing because of the results of the DNA test. She then screamed and ran up the stairs to her room in success.

Ladies and Gentlemen... a round of applause for the mentally disturbed super genius with a split personality and a wicked temper... HARUNO SAKURA! (insert loud and obnoxious cheering here!)

She then spent the rest of the night contemplating how to react next time she sees them.

The next morning, when she got to school, she went off in search of the list that had who was playing what roles in the play, and found it outside the auditorium.

These are the roles:

UCHIHA SASUKE: PRINCE HAMLET

UCHIHA ITACHI: KING CLAUDIUS

ORIGAMI KONAN: QUEEN GERTRUDE

HOSHIGAKI KISAME: THE GHOST

NARA SHIKAMARU: POLONIUS

AKATSUKI PEIN: LAERTES

UZUMAKI KARIN: OPHELIA

HARUNO SAKURA: HORATIO

INUZUKA KIBA: ROSENCRANTZ

ABURAME SHINO: GUILDENSTERN

UCHIHA TOBI: FORTINBRAS

AKIMICHI CHOUJI: MARCELLUS

ROCK LEE: BARNARDO

HYUUGA NEJI: FRANSISCO

AKASUNA SASORI: VOLTEMAND

KATSU DEIDARA: CORNELIUS

HANA ZETSU: REYNALDO

HOZUKI SUIGETSU: OSTRIC

UZUMAKI NARUTO: FIRST PLAYER OR PLAYER KING

HYUUGA HINATA: SECOND PLAYER OR PLAYER QUEEN

TENSHI TENTEN: THIRD PLAYER

YAMANAKA INO: FOURTH PLAYER

AKA HIDAN: ONE OF TWO CLOWNS

RYO KAKUZU THE OTHER CLOWN

SABAKU KANKURO: A PRIEST OR A DOCTOR OF DIVINITY

YAKUSHI KABUTO: SAILOR (PIRATE)

TSUKI SAI: SAILOR (PIRATE)

NOROI JUUGO: ENGLISH AMBASSADOR(S)  
**(A/N: There are some other characters as well, but we just don't want to tell you! They will be a SURPRISE!)**

Sakura had gotten a part. She was so excited! She was gonna be playing Horatio! Just then, she was enveloped in a bear hug.

"Guess what Cherry-chan?" exclaimed Tobi.

"What is it Lollipop?" questioned Sakura.

"Tobi got a part! Tobi is going to be playing Fortinbras! Tobi is excited! Did Cherry-chan get a part?" Tobi asked. Excitement oozing from his voice.

"Yes! I'm going to be playing Horatio." she said.

"Tobi! **Let go of poor** Sakura-chan! **You might hurt her!"** Tobi immediately let go of Sakura.

"Sorry Cherry-chan! Did Tobi hurt Cherry-chan?" Tobi whimpered.

"NO! Lollipop you didn't hurt me! Don't worry!" she said. She saw Tobi relax considerably. She then turned her attention towards the new guy.

"My name** is Zetsu.** You're Sakura-chan. **Right? Hidan talks **about you a lot. He says **you can be really sweet,** but can become really **scary, really fast. Does Sakura-chan **have a split personality** like us?"**

Sakura nodded. "I guess you could say that."

Zetsu noted that she didn't seem bothered by different voices. He smiled at her. Then the bell rang.

The next couple of weeks went by, much the same way. Just add in a play rehearsal here, and hanging more with the Akatsuki there. (She still hadn't met Pein or Kakuzu. She saw them, but hasn't formally met them. Yet.) and finally, it was the night of the show.

**And... we are finished! YAY! Its not that we don't like writing stories for you guys, its all the TYPING! It hurts your hands after a while! And that's not fun! Well, anyways, ignore our pain. We hope you enjoyed it! BYE!**


	5. Chapter 5

**We are back! I say that alot! And i also seem to have a habit of telling you guys stuff you may not care about. Will have to fix this, but this part here, will forever confuse Cait. she never knows what to put here. By the way, it is Cait123123cait who keeps writing these. Blame me! Not kelpie! These are all my words! I swear!and sorry to those of you who were hoping kelpie would update Sakura No Megami! She was a little busy helping me write this epical chapter. Anyways, **

**anyways, we are updating this early. We have good reasons! I was in the hospital for 6 hours doing nothing. I fell in gym class and broke my foot and sprained my ankle. While in the hospital, me and kelpie were messaging each other and writing this chapter and a couple others. So the next 2-3 might be early as well. Maybe. **

**Disclaimer: we do not own Naruto. Or hamlet of Shakespeare. Or the trade mark Uchiha glare ©.**

**We hope you have as much fun reading it, as we did writing it. And please read the whole thing! We changed it, and added some stuff. Karin sings. And she gets jumped on by Pein and Sasuke. That alone should be enough to get you to read this. Also, Hidan sings, and Tobi... Well hes Tobi. Enjoy!**

The lights dimmed in the auditorium. The curtains opened as everyone fell silent. The play was beginning!

Neji was standing onstage dressed as a guard. Lee walked onstage, (luckily not in his green jumpsuit, it took them a while to make him take it off and change into his costume. He even ran away screaming in an attempt to avoid taking it off. That's a story for another day!) "Who's there?" Lee said impatiently. "Nay, answer me: stand, and unfold yourself." Neji said with malice in his voice.

"Long live the king!" Lee said happily.

"Bernardo?" Neji said in a questioning tone. "He." Lee replied. "You come most carefully upon your hour." Neji said impressed. "'Tis now struck twelve; get thee to bed, Francisco." Lee spoke with sincerity. "For this relief much thanks: 'tis bitter cold,  
And I am sick at heart." Neji said, clearly embarrassed to be in this situation. "Have you had quiet guard?" Lee spoke. "Not a mouse stirring." "Well, good night.  
If you do meet Horatio and Marcellus,  
The rivals of my watch, bid them make haste." "I think I hear them. Stand, ho! Who's there?" Sakura and Chouji walked onstage. Chouji was wearing a guard's uniform, while Sakura was wearing.. Boy's clothes!? "Friends to this ground." Sakura said hiding the amused tone seeing Lee. "And liegemen to the Dane." Chouji said impatient. He wanted his chips. He wanted them badly! "Give you good night." Neji said seriously. "O, farewell, honest soldier:  
Who hath relieved you?" Chouji said with confusion in his tone. "Bernardo has my place.  
Give you good night." Neji said as he walked offstage. "Holla! Bernardo!" Chouji said jovially. "Say,  
What, is Horatio there?" Lee said, probably more impatient than he should have been to see Sakura. "A piece of him." She said amused. "Welcome, Horatio: welcome, good Marcellus." Lee said with a smile. "What, has this thing appear'd again to-night?" Chouji mentioned, concerned. "I have seen nothing." Lee said, while shaking his head. "Horatio says 'tis but our fantasy,  
And will not let belief take hold of him  
Touching this dreaded sight, twice seen of us:  
Therefore I have entreated him along  
With us to watch the minutes of this night;  
That if again this apparition come,  
He may approve our eyes and speak to it." Chouji said sadly. "Tush, tush, 'twill not appear." Sakura spoke, not believing them. "Sit down awhile;  
And let us once again assail your ears,  
That are so fortified against our story  
What we have two nights seen." Lee said terrified. "Well, sit we down,  
And let us hear Bernardo speak of this." Sakura said. "Last night of all,  
When yond same star that's westward from the pole  
Had made his course to illume that part of heaven  
Where now it burns, Marcellus and myself,  
The bell then beating one,-" Lee said, cutting himself off in fear of the ghost. Kisame dressed like an old king walked onstage. "Peace, break thee off; look, where it comes again!" Chouji spoke upset. "In the same figure, like the king that's dead." Lee spoke as well. "Thou art a scholar; speak to it, Horatio." Chouji pushed. "Looks it not like the king? Mark it, Horatio." Lee said harshly. "Most like: it harrows me with fear and wonder." She said not believing her eyes. "It would be spoke to." Lee said hurriedly. "Question it, Horatio." Chouji mentioned. "What art thou that usurp'st this time of night,  
Together with that fair and warlike form  
In which the majesty of buried Denmark  
Did sometimes march? by heaven I charge thee, speak!" Sakura commanded fearlessly. "It is offended." Chouji spoke the obvious as Kisame got an offended look on his face. "See, it stalks away!" Lee, again pointing out the obvious, "Stay! speak, speak! I charge thee, speak!" She yelled. Kisame exited the stage. "'Tis gone, and will not answer." Chouji stated. "How now, Horatio! you tremble and look pale:  
Is not this something more than fantasy?  
What think you on't?" Lee asked, staring at her trembling form. "Before my God, I might not this believe  
Without the sensible and true avouch  
Of mine own eyes." She spoke with wide eyes. "Is it not like the king?" Chouji asked. "As thou art to thyself:  
Such was the very armour he had on  
When he the ambitious Norway combated;  
So frown'd he once, when, in an angry parle,  
He smote the sledded Polacks on the ice.  
'Tis strange." She said, no longer shaking. "Thus twice before, and jump at this dead hour,  
With martial stalk hath he gone by our watch." Chouji said upset. "In what particular thought to work I know not;  
But in the gross and scope of my opinion,  
This bodes some strange eruption to our state." Sakura said clearly. "Good now, sit down, and tell me, he that knows,  
Why this same strict and most observant watch  
So nightly toils the subject of the land,  
And why such daily cast of brazen cannon,  
And foreign mart for implements of war;  
Why such impress of shipwrights, whose sore task  
Does not divide the Sunday from the week;  
What might be toward, that this sweaty haste  
Doth make the night joint-labourer with the day:  
Who is't that can inform me?" Chouji asked in distress. "That can I;  
At least, the whisper goes so. Our last king,  
Whose image even but now appear'd to us,  
Was, as you know, by Fortinbras of Norway,  
Thereto prick'd on by a most emulate pride,  
Dared to the combat; in which our valiant Hamlet-  
For so this side of our known world esteem'd him-  
Did slay this Fortinbras; who by a seal'd compact,  
Well ratified by law and heraldry,  
Did forfeit, with his life, all those his lands  
Which he stood seized of, to the conqueror:  
Against the which, a moiety competent  
Was gaged by our king; which had return'd  
To the inheritance of Fortinbras,  
Had he been vanquisher; as, by the same covenant,  
And carriage of the article design'd,  
His fell to Hamlet. Now, sir, young Fortinbras,  
Of unimproved mettle hot and full,  
Hath in the skirts of Norway here and there  
Shark'd up a list of lawless resolutes,  
For food and diet, to some enterprise  
That hath a stomach in't; which is no other-  
As it doth well appear unto our state-  
But to recover of us, by strong hand  
And terms compulsatory, those foresaid lands  
So by his father lost: and this, I take it,  
Is the main motive of our preparations,  
The source of this our watch and the chief head  
Of this post-haste and romage in the land." Sakura said shaking her head. "I think it be no other but e'en so:  
Well may it sort that this portentous figure  
Comes armed through our watch; so like the king  
That was and is the question of these wars." Lee said, putting forth an opinion. "A mote it is to trouble the mind's eye.  
In the most high and palmy state of Rome,  
A little ere the mightiest Julius fell,  
The graves stood tenantless and the sheeted dead  
Did squeak and gibber in the Roman streets:  
As stars with trains of fire and dews of blood,  
Disasters in the sun; and the moist star  
Upon whose influence Neptune's empire stands  
Was sick almost to doomsday with eclipse:  
And even the like precurse of fierce events,  
As harbingers preceding still the fates  
And prologue to the omen coming on,  
Have heaven and earth together demonstrated  
Unto our climatures and countrymen.-  
But soft, behold! lo, where it comes again!" She said, pointing at the reentered Kisame. Kisame strode confidently across the stage. "I'll cross it, though it blast me. Stay, illusion!  
If thou hast any sound, or use of voice,  
Speak to me:  
If there be any good thing to be done,  
That may to thee do ease and grace to me,  
Speak to me:" She commanded. The sound of a rooster crowing sounded throughout he auditorium. "If thou art privy to thy country's fate,  
Which, happily, foreknowing may avoid, O, speak!  
Or if thou hast uphoarded in thy life  
Extorted treasure in the womb of earth,  
For which, they say, you spirits oft walk in death,  
Speak of it: stay, and speak! Stop it, Marcellus." She commanded, growing desperate. "Shall I strike at it with my partisan?" Chouji asked, brandishing his weapon. "Do, if it will not stand." She answered. "'Tis here!" Lee pointed hurriedly at Kisame. "'Tis here!" Sakura spoke again. "'Tis gone!" Chouji stated. Kisame hastily exited on the other side of the stage. "We do it wrong, being so majestical,  
To offer it the show of violence;  
For it is, as the air, invulnerable,  
And our vain blows malicious mockery." She sighed. "It was about to speak, when the cock crew." Lee sighed, shaking his head. "And then it started like a guilty thing  
Upon a fearful summons. I have heard,  
The cock, that is the trumpet to the morn,  
Doth with his lofty and shrill-sounding throat  
Awake the god of day; and, at his warning,  
Whether in sea or fire, in earth or air,  
The extravagant and erring spirit hies  
To his confine: and of the truth herein  
This present object made probation." She said, her head down. "It faded on the crowing of the cock.  
Some say that ever 'gainst that season comes  
Wherein our Saviour's birth is celebrated,  
The bird of dawning singeth all night long:  
And then, they say, no spirit dares stir abroad;  
The nights are wholesome; then no planets strike,  
No fairy takes, nor witch hath power to charm,  
So hallow'd and so gracious is the time." Chouji pointed out. "So have I heard and do in part believe it.  
But, look, the morn, in russet mantle clad,  
Walks o'er the dew of yon high eastward hill:  
Break we our watch up; and by my advice,  
Let us impart what we have seen to-night  
Unto young Hamlet; for, upon my life,  
This spirit, dumb to us, will speak to him.  
Do you consent we shall acquaint him with it,  
As needful in our loves, fitting our duty?" She said. "Let's do't, I pray; and I this morning know  
Where we shall find him most conveniently." Chouji said. The curtains fell shut, and the next set was moved on. The curtains opened to showa room of state in the castle. Onstage, there stood Itachi dressed as a king, Konan dressed as a queen, Sasuke dressed as a prince (making all the girls in the audience swoon), Shikamaru dressed as an adviser, Pein dressed richly, Sasori was dressed as a noble as well as Deidara. "Though yet of Hamlet our dear brother's death  
The memory be green, and that it us befitted  
To bear our hearts in grief and our whole kingdom  
To be contracted in one brow of woe,  
Yet so far hath discretion fought with nature  
That we with wisest sorrow think on him,  
Together with remembrance of ourselves.  
Therefore our sometime sister, now our queen,  
The imperial jointress to this warlike state,  
Have we, as 'twere with a defeated joy,-  
With an auspicious and a dropping eye,  
With mirth in funeral and with dirge in marriage,  
In equal scale weighing delight and dole,-  
Taken to wife: nor have we herein barr'd  
Your better wisdoms, which have freely gone  
With this affair along. For all, our thanks.  
Now follows, that you know, young Fortinbras,  
Holding a weak supposal of our worth,  
Or thinking by our late dear brother's death  
Our state to be disjoint and out of frame,  
Colleagued with the dream of his advantage,  
He hath not fail'd to pester us with message,  
Importing the surrender of those lands  
Lost by his father, with all bonds of law,  
To our most valiant brother. So much for him.  
Now for ourself and for this time of meeting:  
Thus much the business is: we have here writ  
To Norway, uncle of young Fortinbras,-  
Who, impotent and bed-rid, scarcely hears  
Of this his nephew's purpose,-to suppress  
His further gait herein; in that the levies,  
The lists and full proportions, are all made  
Out of his subject: and we here dispatch  
You, good Cornelius, and you, Voltimand,  
For bearers of this greeting to old Norway;  
Giving to you no further personal power  
To business with the king, more than the scope  
Of these delated articles allow.  
Farewell, and let your haste commend your duty." Itachi spoke to Sasori and Deidara. "In that and all things will we show our duty.(un.)" The two spoke at once. "We doubt it nothing: heartily farewell." Itachi said to them. Both bowed and walked offstage. "And now, Laertes, what's the news with you?  
You told us of some suit; what is't, Laertes?  
You cannot speak of reason to the Dane,  
And loose your voice: what wouldst thou beg, Laertes,  
That shall not be my offer, not thy asking?  
The head is not more native to the heart,  
The hand more instrumental to the mouth,  
Than is the throne of Denmark to thy father.  
What wouldst thou have, Laertes?" Itachi spoke to Pein, pleased at having a higher role than him. "My dread lord,  
Your leave and favour to return to France;  
From whence though willingly I came to Denmark,  
To show my duty in your coronation,  
Yet now, I must confess, that duty done,  
My thoughts and wishes bend again toward France  
And bow them to your gracious leave and pardon." Pein said. "Have you your father's leave? What says Polonius?" He said, sending a pointed look at Shikamaru. "He hath, my lord, wrung from me my slow leave  
By laboursome petition, and at last  
Upon his will I seal'd my hard consent:  
I do beseech you, give him leave to go." Shikamaru was trying not to fall asleep. Shakespeare was so boring... (No offence to Shakespeare lovers, I love it too. This is purely his opinion!) "Take thy fair hour, Laertes; time be thine,  
And thy best graces spend it at thy will!  
But now, my cousin Hamlet, and my son,-" Itachi said, before being cut off by Sasuke. "A little more than kin, and less than kind." He said off to the side, sending Itachi a trademarked Uchiha Death Glare©. "How is it that the clouds still hang on you?" Itachi asked, exasperated. "Not so, my lord; I am too much i' the sun." Sasuke said with a smirk. "Good Hamlet, cast thy nighted colour off,  
And let thine eye look like a friend on Denmark.  
Do not for ever with thy vailed lids  
Seek for thy noble father in the dust:  
Thou know'st 'tis common; all that lives must die,  
Passing through nature to eternity." Konan spoke softly. "Ay, madam, it is common." Sasuke replied. "If it be,  
Why seems it so particular with thee?" Konan questioned. "Seems, madam! nay it is; I know not 'seems.'  
'Tis not alone my inky cloak, good mother,  
Nor customary suits of solemn black,  
Nor windy suspiration of forced breath,  
No, nor the fruitful river in the eye,  
Nor the dejected 'havior of the visage,  
Together with all forms, moods, shapes of grief,  
That can denote me truly: these indeed seem,  
For they are actions that a man might play:  
But I have that within which passeth show;  
These but the trappings and the suits of woe" Sasuke replied once again.. "'Tis sweet and commendable in your nature, Hamlet,  
To give these mourning duties to your father:  
But, you must know, your father lost a father;  
That father lost, lost his, and the survivor bound  
In filial obligation for some term  
To do obsequious sorrow: but to persevere  
In obstinate condolence is a course  
Of impious stubbornness; 'tis unmanly grief;  
It shows a will most incorrect to heaven,  
A heart unfortified, a mind impatient,  
An understanding simple and unschooled:  
For what we know must be and is as common  
As any the most vulgar thing to sense,  
Why should we in our peevish opposition  
Take it to heart? Fie! 'tis a fault to heaven,  
A fault against the dead, a fault to nature,  
To reason most absurd: whose common theme  
Is death of fathers, and who still hath cried,  
From the first cores till he that died to-day,  
'This must be so.' We pray you, throw to earth  
This prevailing woe, and think of us  
As of a father: for let the world take note,  
You are the most immediate to our throne;  
And with no less nobility of love  
Than that which dearest father bears his son,  
Do I impart toward you. For your intent  
In going back to school in Gutenberg,  
It is most retrograde to our desire:  
And we beseech you, bend you to remain  
Here, in the cheer and comfort of our eye,  
Our chiefest courtier, cousin, and our son." Itachi spoke with a smirk as well. "Let not thy mother lose her prayers, Hamlet:  
I pray thee, stay with us; go not to Gutenberg." Konan pleaded. "I shall in all my best obey you, madam." He said with a bow. "Why, 'tis a loving and a fair reply:  
Be as ourself in Denmark. Madam, come;  
This gentle and unforced accord of Hamlet  
Sits smiling to my heart: in grace whereof,  
No jocund health that Denmark drinks to-day,  
But the great cannon to the clouds shall tell,  
And the king's rouse the heavens all bruit again,  
Re-speaking earthly thunder. Come away." Itachi said, exiting the room, leaving only Sasuke behind. "O, that this too too solid flesh would melt  
Thaw and resolve itself into a dew!  
Or that the Everlasting had not fix's  
His canon 'gainst self-slaughter! O God! God!  
How weary, stale, flat and unprofitable,  
Seem to me all the uses of this world!  
Fie on't! ah fie! 'tis an unseeded garden,  
That grows to seed; things rank and gross in nature  
Possess it merely. That it should come to this!  
But two months dead: nay, not so much, not two:  
So excellent a king; that was, to this,  
Hyperion to a satyr; so loving to my mother  
That he might not beseem the winds of heaven  
Visit her face too roughly. Heaven and earth!  
Must I remember? why, she would hang on him,  
As if increase of appetite had grown  
By what it fed on: and yet, within a month-  
Let me not think on't-Frailty, thy name is woman!-  
A little month, or ere those shoes were old  
With which she follow'd my poor father's body,  
Like Niobe, all tears:-why she, even she-  
O, God! a beast, that wants discourse of reason,  
Would have mourn'd longer-married with my uncle,  
My father's brother, but no more like my father  
Than I to Hercules: within a month:  
Ere yet the salt of most unrighteous tears  
Had left the flushing in her galled eyes,  
She married. O, most wicked speed, to post  
With such dexterity to incestuous sheets!  
It is not nor it cannot come to good:  
But break, my heart; for I must hold my tongue." He said upset. Soon, Sakura, Chouji and Lee walked in. "Hail to your lordship!" Sakura practically sang. "I am glad to see you well:  
Horatio,-or I do forget myself." He asked. "The same, my lord, and your poor servant ever." She said, still in her bow. "Sir, my good friend; I'll change that name with you:  
And what make you from Wittenberg, Horatio? Marcellus?" Sasuke questioned Sakura and Chouji, respectively looking at them. "My good lord-" Chouji spoke. "I am very glad to see you. Good even, sir.  
But what, in faith, make you from Wittenberg?" Sasuke pushed. "A truant disposition, good my lord." Sakura mentioned. "I would not hear your enemy say so,  
Nor shall you do mine ear that violence,  
To make it truster of your own report  
Against yourself: I know you are no truant.  
But what is your affair in Elsinore?  
We'll teach you to drink deep ere you depart." Sasuke scolded. "My lord, I came to see your father's funeral." She said half-heartedly. "I pray thee, do not mock me, fellow-student;  
I think it was to see my mother's wedding." He mocked. "Indeed, my lord, it follow'd hard upon." She sighed. "Thrift, thrift, Horatio! the funeral baked meats  
Did coldly furnish forth the marriage tables.  
Would I had met my dearest foe in heaven  
Or ever I had seen that day, Horatio!  
My father!-methinks I see my father." Sasuke said, eyes wide. "Where, my lord?" She said, eyes widening as well. "In my mind's eye, Horatio." Sasuke said. "I saw him once; he was a goodly king." She said. "He was a man, take him for all in all,  
I shall not look upon his like again." Sasuke spoke, quieter this time. "My lord, I think I saw him yesternight." She informed him. "Saw? Who?" He demanded to know. "My lord, the king your father." Sakura replied. "The king my father!" Sasuke said surprised. "Season your admiration for awhile  
With an attent ear, till I may deliver,  
Upon the witness of these gentlemen,  
This marvel to you." Sakura responded. "For God's love, let me hear." Sasuke said. "Two nights together had these gentlemen,  
Marcellus and Bernardo, on their watch,  
In the dead vast and middle of the night,  
Been thus encounter'd. A figure like your father,  
Armed at point exactly, cap-a-pe,  
Appears before them, and with solemn march  
Goes slow and stately by them: thrice he walk'd  
By their oppress'd and fear-surprised eyes,  
Within his truncheon's length; whilst they, distilled  
Almost to jelly with the act of fear,  
Stand dumb and speak not to him. This to me  
In dreadful secrecy impart they did;  
And I with them the third night kept the watch;  
Where, as they had deliver'd, both in time,  
Form of the thing, each word made true and good,  
The apparition comes: I knew your father;  
These hands are not more like." She informed. "But where was this?" Sasuke questioned. "My lord, upon the platform where we watch'd." Chouji replied. "Did you not speak to it?" Sasuke demanded an answer. "My lord, I did;  
But answer made it none: yet once methought  
It lifted up its head and did address  
Itself to motion, like as it would speak;  
But even then the morning cock crew loud,  
And at the sound it shrunk in haste away,  
And vanish'd from our sight." Sakura said regretfully. "'Tis very strange." Sasuke pondered. "As I do live, my honour'd lord, 'tis true;  
And we did think it writ down in our duty  
To let you know of it." Sakura mentioned. "Indeed, indeed, sirs, but this troubles me.  
Hold you the watch to-night?" Sasuke asked the two boys. "We do, my lord." Lee and Chouji responded. "Arm'd, say you?" Sasuke asked. "Arm'd, my lord." They answered. "From top to toe?" Sasuke questioned sceptically. "My lord, from head to foot." Both responded with a nod. "Then saw you not his face?" Sasuke asked. "O, yes, my lord; he wore his beaver up." Sakura answered. "What, look'd he frowningly?" Sasuke turned his attention to her. "A countenance more in sorrow than in anger." She said with regret. "Pale or red?" He said, eyes widening. "Nay, very pale." She informed. "And fix'd his eyes upon you?" He said, scrunching his brow. "Most constantly." She said, head bowed. "I would I had been there." He said. "It would have much amazed you." She said, raising her head. "Very like, very like. Stay'd it long?" He asked. "While one with moderate haste might tell a hundred." She said. "Longer, longer." Lee and Chouji said, correcting her. "Not when I saw't." She glared at them. "His beard was grizzled—no?" Sasuke bit his lip in anticipation. "It was, as I have seen it in his life,  
A sable silver'd." She said. "I will watch to-night;  
Perchance 'twill walk again." Sasuke said. "I warrant it will." Sakura said, now smiling. "If it assume my noble father's person,  
I'll speak to it, though hell itself should gape  
And bid me hold my peace. I pray you all,  
If you have hitherto conceal'd this sight,  
Let it be tenable in your silence still;  
And whatsoever else shall hap to-night,  
Give it an understanding, but no tongue:  
I will requite your loves. So, fare you well:  
Upon the platform, 'twixt eleven and twelve,  
I'll visit you." He informed. "Our duty to your honour." The three answered. "Your loves, as mine to you: farewell." Sasuke dismissed them. They left him alone. "My father's spirit in arms! all is not well;  
I doubt some foul play: would the night were come!  
Till then sit still, my soul: foul deeds will rise,  
Though all the earth o'erwhelm them, to men's eyes." Sasuke said, before he left the stage. The curtain opened to show a room in Polonius' house. Pein and Karin walked onstage. "My necessaries are embark'd: farewell:  
And, sister, as the winds give benefit  
And convoy is assistant, do not sleep,  
But let me hear from you." Pein said to his 'sister' Karin. "Do you doubt that?" Karin asked. "For Hamlet and the trifling of his favour,  
Hold it a fashion and a toy in blood,  
A violet in the youth of primy nature,  
Forward, not permanent, sweet, not lasting,  
The perfume and suppliance of a minute; No more." Pein said. "No more but so?" Karin asked. "Think it no more;  
For nature, crescent, does not grow alone  
In thews and bulk, but, as this temple waxes,  
The inward service of the mind and soul  
Grows wide withal. Perhaps he loves you now,  
And now no soil nor cautel doth besmirch  
The virtue of his will: but you must fear,  
His greatness weigh'd, his will is not his own;  
For he himself is subject to his birth:  
He may not, as unvalued persons do,  
Carve for himself; for on his choice depends  
The safety and health of this whole state;  
And therefore must his choice be circumscribed  
Unto the voice and yielding of that body  
Whereof he is the head. Then if he says he loves you,  
It fits your wisdom so far to believe it  
As he in his particular act and place  
May give his saying deed; which is no further  
Than the main voice of Denmark goes withal.  
Then weigh what loss your honour may sustain,  
If with too credent ear you list his songs,  
Or lose your heart, or your chaste treasure open  
To his unmaster'd importunity.  
Fear it, Ophelia, fear it, my dear sister,  
And keep you in the rear of your affection,  
Out of the shot and danger of desire.  
The chariest maid is prodigal enough,  
If she unmask her beauty to the moon:  
Virtue itself 'scapes not calumnious strokes:  
The canker galls the infants of the spring,  
Too oft before their buttons be disclosed,  
And in the morn and liquid dew of youth  
Contagious blastments are most imminent.  
Be wary then; best safety lies in fear:  
Youth to itself rebels, though none else near." Pein said. "I shall the effect of this good lesson keep,  
As watchman to my heart. But, good my brother,  
Do not, as some ungracious pastors do,  
Show me the steep and thorny way to heaven;  
Whiles, like a puff'd and reckless libertine,  
Himself the primrose path of dalliance treads,  
And recks not his own rede." Karin said. "O, fear me not.  
I stay too long: but here my father comes." Pein said, motioning to Shikamaru. "A double blessing is a double grace,  
Occasion smiles upon a second leave." Pein continued. "Yet here, Laertes! aboard, aboard, for shame!  
The wind sits in the shoulder of your sail,  
And you are stay'd for. There; my blessing with thee!  
And these few precepts in thy memory  
See thou character. Give thy thoughts no tongue,  
Nor any unproportioned thought his act.  
Be thou familiar, but by no means vulgar.  
Those friends thou hast, and their adoption tried,  
Grapple them to thy soul with hoops of steel;  
But do not dull thy palm with entertainment  
Of each new-hatch'd, unfledged comrade. Beware  
Of entrance to a quarrel, but being in,  
Bear't that the opposed may beware of thee.  
Give every man thy ear, but few thy voice;  
Take each man's censure, but reserve thy judgment.  
Costly thy habit as thy purse can buy,  
But not express'd in fancy; rich, not gaudy;  
For the apparel oft proclaims the man,  
And they in France of the best rank and station  
Are of a most select and generous chief in that.  
Neither a borrower nor a lender be;  
For loan oft loses both itself and friend,  
And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry.  
This above all: to thine ownself be true,  
And it must follow, as the night the day,  
Thou canst not then be false to any man.  
Farewell: my blessing season this in thee!" Shikamaru all but drawled. "Most humbly do I take my leave, my lord." Pein bowed. "The time invites you; go; your servants tend." Shikamaru waved him off. "Farewell, Ophelia; and remember well  
What I have said to you." Pein said, glancing at Karin. "'Tis in my memory lock'd,  
And you yourself shall keep the key of it." Karin grimaced as she tried to smile. "Farewell." Pein said as he left. "What is't, Ophelia, be hath said to you?" Shikamaru questioned. "So please you, something touching the Lord Hamlet." Karin blushed at the mention of Sasuke. "Marry, well bethought:  
'Tis told me, he hath very oft of late  
Given private time to you; and you yourself  
Have of your audience been most free and bounteous:  
If it be so, as so 'tis put on me,  
And that in way of caution, I must tell you,  
You do not understand yourself so clearly  
As it behoves my daughter and your honour.  
What is between you? give me up the truth." Shikamaru laughed mentally. As if Sasuke would ever spend 'alone time' with Karin. "He hath, my lord, of late made many tenders  
Of his affection to me." Karin said, still blushing. "Affection! pooh! you speak like a green girl,  
Unsifted in such perilous circumstance.  
Do you believe his tenders, as you call them?" Shikamaru brushed her off. "I do not know, my lord, what I should think." "Marry, I'll teach you: think yourself a baby;  
That you have ta'en these tenders for true pay,  
Which are not sterling. Tender yourself more dearly;  
Or-not to crack the wind of the poor phrase,  
Running it thus-you'll tender me a fool." "My lord, he hath importuned me with love  
In honourable fashion." "Ay, fashion you may call it; go to, go to." "And hath given countenance to his speech, my lord,  
With almost all the holy vows of heaven." "Ay, springes to catch woodcocks. I do know,  
When the blood burns, how prodigal the soul  
Lends the tongue vows: these blazes, daughter,  
Giving more light than heat, extinct in both,  
Even in their promise, as it is a-making,  
You must not take for fire. From this time  
Be somewhat scanter of your maiden presence;  
Set your entreatments at a higher rate  
Than a command to parley. For Lord Hamlet,  
Believe so much in him, that he is young  
And with a larger tether may he walk  
Than may be given you: in few, Ophelia,  
Do not believe his vows; for they are brokers,  
Not of that dye which their investments show,  
But mere implorators of unholy suits,  
Breathing like sanctified and pious bawds,  
The better to beguile. This is for all:  
I would not, in plain terms, from this time forth,  
Have you so slander any moment leisure,  
As to give words or talk with the Lord Hamlet.  
Look to't, I charge you: come your ways." "I shall obey, my lord." Karin said as the curtains closed. The curtains opened once again to show the guard's platform. "The air bites shrewdly; it is very cold." Sasuke said, shivering. "It is a nipping and an eager air." Sakura agreed. "What hour now?" Sasuke asked. "I think it lacks of twelve." Sakura said, a frown marring her beautiful features. "No, it is struck." Sasuke said. "Indeed? I heard it not: then it draws near the season  
Wherein the spirit held his wont to walk." Sakura said. She then heard a flourish of trumpets. "What does this mean, my lord?" She asked. "The king doth wake to-night and takes his rouse,  
Keeps wassail, and the swaggering up-spring reels;  
And, as he drains his draughts of Rhenish down,  
The kettle-drum and trumpet thus bray out  
The triumph of his pledge." Sasuke said, obvious distaste in his tone. "Is it a custom?" She asked. "Ay, marry, is't:  
But to my mind, though I am native here  
And to the manner born, it is a custom  
More honour'd in the breach than the observance.  
This heavy-headed revel east and west  
Makes us traduced and tax'd of other nations:  
They clepe us drunkards, and with swinish phrase  
Soil our addition; and indeed it takes  
From our achievements, though perform'd at height,  
The pith and marrow of our attribute.  
So, oft it chances in particular men,  
That for some vicious mole of nature in them,  
As, in their birth-wherein they are not guilty,  
Since nature cannot choose his origin-  
By the o'ergrowth of some complexion,  
Oft breaking down the pales and forts of reason,  
Or by some habit that too much o'er-leavens  
The form of plausive manners, that these men,  
Carrying, I say, the stamp of one defect,  
Being nature's livery, or fortune's star,-  
Their virtues else-be they as pure as grace,  
As infinite as man may undergo-  
Shall in the general censure take corruption  
From that particular fault: the dram of eale  
Doth all the noble substance of a doubt  
To his own scandal." Sasuke said with a sigh. "Look, my lord, it comes!" Sakura all but shouted, as she pointed to Kisame who was walking on. "Angels and ministers of grace defend us!  
Be thou a spirit of health or goblin damn'd,  
Bring with thee airs from heaven or blasts from hell,  
Be thy intents wicked or charitable,  
Thou comest in such a questionable shape  
That I will speak to thee: I'll call thee Hamlet,  
King, father, royal Dane: O, answer me!  
Let me not burst in ignorance; but tell  
Why thy canonized bones, hearsed in death,  
Have burst their cerements; why the sepulchre,  
Wherein we saw thee quietly inurn'd,  
Hath oped his ponderous and marble jaws,  
To cast thee up again. What may this mean,  
That thou, dead corse, again in complete steel  
Revisit'st thus the glimpses of the moon,  
Making night hideous; and we fools of nature  
So horridly to shake our disposition  
With thoughts beyond the reaches of our souls?  
Say, why is this? wherefore? what should we do?" Sasuke asked with desperation. Kisame waved Sasuke over, as if beckoning him. "It beckons you to go away with it,  
As if it some impartment did desire  
To you alone." Sakura said in awe. "Look, with what courteous action  
It waves you to a more removed ground:  
But do not go with it." Chouji pointed out. "No, by no means." Sakura said. "It will not speak; then I will follow it." Sasuke said with newfound determination. "Do not, my lord." Sakura begged. "Why, what should be the fear?  
I do not set my life in a pin's fee;  
And for my soul, what can it do to that,  
Being a thing immortal as itself?  
It waves me forth again: I'll follow it." Sasuke said. "What if it tempt you toward the flood, my lord,  
Or to the dreadful summit of the cliff  
That beetles o'er his base into the sea,  
And there assume some other horrible form,  
Which might deprive your sovereignty of reason  
And draw you into madness? think of it:  
The very place puts toys of desperation,  
Without more motive, into every brain  
That looks so many fathoms to the sea  
And hears it roar beneath." Sakura said worried. "It waves me still.  
Go on; I'll follow thee." Sasuke replied. "You shall not go, my lord." Chouji answered. "Hold off your hands." Sasuke scolded. "Be ruled; you shall not go." Sakura said. "My fate cries out,  
And makes each petty artery in this body  
As hardy as the Nemean lion's nerve.  
Still am I call'd. Unhand me, gentlemen.  
By heaven, I'll make a ghost of him that lets me!  
I say, away! Go on; I'll follow thee." Sasuke said, following Kisame off stage. "He waxes desperate with imagination." Sakura said, shaking her head. "Let's follow; 'tis not fit thus to obey him." Chouji answered. "Have after. To what issue will this come?" "Something is rotten in the state of Denmark." "Heaven will direct it." "Nay, let's follow him." Sakura nodded as they both left. The curtains reopened as Kisame led Sasuke over to talk to him. "Where wilt thou lead me? speak; I'll go no further." Sasuke demanded. "Mark me." Kisame said in a raspy voice. "I will." "My hour is almost come,  
When I to sulphurous and tormenting flames  
Must render up myself." "Alas, poor ghost!" "Pity me not, but lend thy serious hearing  
To what I shall unfold." "Speak; I am bound to hear." "So art thou to revenge, when thou shalt hear." "What?" "I am thy father's spirit,  
Doom'd for a certain term to walk the night,  
And for the day confined to fast in fires,  
Till the foul crimes done in my days of nature  
Are burnt and purged away. But that I am forbid  
To tell the secrets of my prison-house,  
I could a tale unfold whose lightest word  
Would harrow up thy soul, freeze thy young blood,  
Make thy two eyes, like stars, start from their spheres,  
Thy knotted and combined locks to part  
And each particular hair to stand on end,  
Like quills upon the fretful porpentine:  
But this eternal blazon must not be  
To ears of flesh and blood. List, list, O, list!  
If thou didst ever thy dear father love-" "O God!" "Revenge his foul and most unnatural murder." "Murder!" "Murder most foul, as in the best it is;  
But this most foul, strange and unnatural." "Haste me to know't, that I, with wings as swift  
As meditation or the thoughts of love,  
May sweep to my revenge." "I find thee apt;  
And duller shouldst thou be than the fat weed  
That roots itself in ease on Lethe wharf,  
Wouldst thou not stir in this. Now, Hamlet, hear:  
'Tis given out that, sleeping in my orchard,  
A serpent stung me; so the whole ear of Denmark  
Is by a forged process of my death  
Rankly abused: but know, thou noble youth,  
The serpent that did sting thy father's life  
Now wears his crown." "O my prophetic soul! My uncle!" Ay, that incestuous, that adulterate beast,  
With witchcraft of his wit, with traitorous gifts,-  
O wicked wit and gifts, that have the power  
So to seduce!-won to his shameful lust  
The will of my most seeming-virtuous queen:  
O Hamlet, what a falling-off was there!  
From me, whose love was of that dignity  
That it went hand in hand even with the vow  
I made to her in marriage, and to decline  
Upon a wretch whose natural gifts were poor  
To those of mine!  
But virtue, as it never will be moved,  
Though lewdness court it in a shape of heaven,  
So lust, though to a radiant angel link'd,  
Will sate itself in a celestial bed,  
And prey on garbage.  
But, soft! methinks I scent the morning air;  
Brief let me be. Sleeping within my orchard,  
My custom always of the afternoon,  
Upon my secure hour thy uncle stole,  
With juice of cursed hebenon in a vial,  
And in the porches of my ears did pour  
The leperous distilment; whose effect  
Holds such an enmity with blood of man  
That swift as quicksilver it courses through  
The natural gates and alleys of the body,  
And with a sudden vigour doth posset  
And curd, like eager droppings into milk,  
The thin and wholesome blood: so did it mine;  
And a most instant tetter bark'd about,  
Most lazar-like, with vile and loathsome crust,  
All my smooth body.  
Thus was I, sleeping, by a brother's hand  
Of life, of crown, of queen, at once dispatch'd:  
Cut off even in the blossoms of my sin,  
Unhousel'd, disappointed, unanel'd,  
No reckoning made, but sent to my account  
With all my imperfections on my head:  
O, horrible! O, horrible! most horrible!  
If thou hast nature in thee, bear it not;  
Let not the royal bed of Denmark be  
A couch for luxury and damned incest.  
But, howsoever thou pursuest this act,  
Taint not thy mind, nor let thy soul contrive  
Against thy mother aught: leave her to heaven  
And to those thorns that in her bosom lodge,  
To prick and sting her. Fare thee well at once!  
The glow-worm shows the matin to be near,  
And 'gins to pale his uneffectual fire:  
Adieu, adieu! Hamlet, remember me." Kisame spike as he walked offstage. "O all you host of heaven! O earth! what else?  
And shall I couple hell? O, fie! Hold, hold, my heart;  
And you, my sinews, grow not instant old,  
But bear me stiffly up. Remember thee!  
Ay, thou poor ghost, while memory holds a seat  
In this distracted globe. Remember thee!  
Yea, from the table of my memory  
I'll wipe away all trivial fond records,  
All saws of books, all forms, all pressures past,  
That youth and observation copied there;  
And thy commandment all alone shall live  
Within the book and volume of my brain,  
Unmix'd with baser matter: yes, by heaven!  
O most pernicious woman!  
O villain, villain, smiling, damned villain!  
My tables,-meet it is I set it down,  
That one may smile, and smile, and be a villain;  
At least I'm sure it may be so in Denmark:" Sasuke took out a quill and paper. And began to write. 'So, uncle, there you are. Now to my word;  
It is 'Adieu, adieu! remember me.'  
I have sworn 't.' "My lord, my lord,-" Came the voices of Sakura and Chouji from offstage. "Lord Hamlet,-" Chouji shouted. "Heaven secure him!" Sakura shouted as well. "So be it!" Sasuke replied. "Hillo, ho, ho, my lord!" Sakura asked, still offstage. "Hillo, ho, ho, boy! come, bird, come." Sasuke replied, beckoning them to enter. "How is't, my noble lord?" Chouji asked. "What news, my lord?" Sakura asked. "O, wonderful!" Sasuke replied, a crazed look on his face. "Good my lord, tell it." Sakura urged. "No; you'll reveal it." Sasuke replied. "Not I, my lord, by heaven." Sakura said confused. "Nor I, my lord." Chouji replied, just as confused. "How say you, then; would heart of man once think it?  
But you'll be secret?" Sasuke asked. "Ay, by heaven, my lord." Both replied. "There's ne'er a villain dwelling in all Denmark  
But he's an arrant knave." Sasuke said with a sneer. "There needs no ghost, my lord, come from the grave  
To tell us this." Sakura said. "Why, right; you are i' the right;  
And so, without more circumstance at all,  
I hold it fit that we shake hands and part:  
You, as your business and desire shall point you;  
For every man has business and desire,  
Such as it is; and for mine own poor part,  
Look you, I'll go pray." Sasuke said. "These are but wild and whirling words, my lord." Sakura said, not believing him. "I'm sorry they offend you, heartily;  
Yes, 'faith heartily." Sasuke said, nodding his head. "There's no offence, my lord." Sakura said. "Yes, by Saint Patrick, but there is, Horatio,  
And much offence too. Touching this vision here,  
It is an honest ghost, that let me tell you:  
For your desire to know what is between us,  
O'ermaster 't as you may. And now, good friends,  
As you are friends, scholars and soldiers,  
Give me one poor request." Sasuke said. "What is't, my lord? we will." Sakura said. "Never make known what you have seen to-night." Sasuke told them. "My lord, we will not." Sakura and Chouji said. "Nay, but swear't." Sasuke demanded. "In faith,  
My lord, not I." Sakura said. "Nor I, my lord, in faith." Chouji said. "Upon my sword." Sasuke said, fingering the sword at his side. "We have sworn, my lord, already." Chouji said. "Indeed, upon my sword, indeed." Sasuke demanded. "Swear." Kisame said, from offstage, his booming voice filling the room. "Ah, ha, boy! say'st thou so? art thou there,  
truepenny?  
Come on-you hear this fellow in the cellarage-  
Consent to swear." Sasuke said, slightly crazed. "Propose the oath, my lord." Sakura said, bowing slightly. "Never to speak of this that you have seen,  
Swear by my sword." Sasuke demanded. "Swear." Kisame demanded, louder this time. "Hic et ubique? then we'll shift our ground.  
Come hither, gentlemen,  
And lay your hands again upon my sword:  
Never to speak of this that you have heard,  
Swear by my sword." Sasuke said. "Swear." Kisame was getting annoyed by only having the same line. "Well said, old mole! canst work i' the earth so fast?  
A worthy pioner! Once more remove, good friends." Sasuke said, suppressing a laugh. "O day and night, but this is wondrous strange!" Sakura said in obvious wonder. "And therefore as a stranger give it welcome.  
There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio,  
Than are dreamt of in your philosophy. But come;  
Here, as before, never, so help you mercy,  
How strange or odd soe'er I bear myself,  
As I perchance hereafter shall think meet  
To put an antic disposition on,  
That you, at such times seeing me, never shall,  
With arms encumber'd thus, or this headshake,  
Or by pronouncing of some doubtful phrase,  
As 'Well, well, we know,' or 'We could, an if we would,'  
Or 'If we list to speak,' or 'There be, an if they might,'  
Or such ambiguous giving out, to note  
That you know aught of me: this not to do,  
So grace and mercy at your most need help you, Swear." Sasuke pushed again. "Swear." Kisame drawled from offstage. "Rest, rest, perturbed spirit!" Sasuke said. They then swore (Not that way you dirty minded people... XD) to get the scene over with. "So, gentlemen,  
With all my love I do commend me to you:  
And what so poor a man as Hamlet is  
May do, to express his love and friending to you,  
God willing, shall not lack. Let us go in together;  
And still your fingers on your lips, I pray.  
The time is out of joint: O cursed spite,  
That ever I was born to set it right!  
Nay, come, let's go together."

The curtains closed as the scene ended. They reopened to show a room in Polonius's house.

"Give him this money and these notes, Reynaldo." Shikamaru said to Zetsu. "I will, **my lord**." Zetsu said. "You shall do marvellous wisely, good Reynaldo,  
Before you visit him, to make inquire  
Of his behavior." Shikamaru nodded. "My lord, **I did intend it**." "Marry, well said; very well said. Look you, sir,  
Inquire me first what Danskers are in Paris;  
And how, and who, what means, and where they keep,  
What company, at what expense; and finding  
By this encompassment and drift of question  
That they do know my son, come you more nearer  
Than your particular demands will touch it:  
Take you, as 'twere, some distant knowledge of him;  
As thus, 'I know his father and his friends,  
And in part him: ' do you mark this, Reynaldo?" "Ay, very well,**my lord**." "'And in part him; but' you may say 'not well:  
But, if't be he I mean, he's very wild;  
Addicted so and so:' and there put on him  
What forgeries you please; marry, none so rank  
As may dishonour him; take heed of that;  
But, sir, such wanton, wild and usual slips  
As are companions noted and most known  
To youth and liberty." "As gaming, **my lord**." "Ay, or drinking, fencing, swearing, quarrelling,  
Drabbing: you may go so far." "My lord, that **would dishonour him**." "'Faith, no; as you may season it in the charge  
You must not put another scandal on him,  
That he is open to incontinency;  
That's not my meaning: but breathe his faults so quaintly  
That they may seem the taints of liberty,  
The flash and outbreak of a fiery mind,  
A savageness in unreclaimed blood,  
Of general assault." "But, my **good lord**,-" "Wherefore should you do this?" "Ay, my lord,  
**I would know that**." "Marry, sir, here's my drift;  
And I believe, it is a fetch of wit:  
You laying these slight sullies on my son,  
As 'twere a thing a little soil'd i' the working, Mark you,  
Your party in converse, him you would sound,  
Having ever seen in the prenominate crimes  
The youth you breathe of guilty, be assured  
He closes with you in this consequence;  
'Good sir,' or so, or 'friend,' or 'gentleman,'  
According to the phrase or the addition  
Of man and country." "Very good, **my lord**." "And then, sir, does he this-he does-what was I  
about to say? By the mass, I was about to say  
something: where did I leave?" "At 'closes in the consequence,' at **'friend or so,'  
and 'gentleman.'**" "At 'closes in the consequence,' ay, marry;  
He closes thus: 'I know the gentleman;  
I saw him yesterday, or t' other day,  
Or then, or then; with such, or such; and, as you say,  
There was a' gaming; there o'ertook in's rouse;  
There falling out at tennis:' or perchance,  
'I saw him enter such a house of sale,'  
Videlicet, a brothel, or so forth.  
See you now;  
Your bait of falsehood takes this carp of truth:  
And thus do we of wisdom and of reach,  
With windlasses and with assays of bias,  
By indirections find directions out:  
So by my former lecture and advice,  
Shall you my son. You have me, have you not?" "My lord,**I have**." "God be wi' you; fare you well." "Good my **lord**!" "Observe his inclination in yourself." "I shall, **my lord**." "And let him ply his music." "Well, **my lord**." "Farewell!" Zetsu left the stage just as Karin walked on. "How now, Ophelia! what's the matter?" Shikamaru asked. "O, my lord, my lord, I have been so affrighted!" "With what, i' the name of God?" "My lord, as I was sewing in my closet,  
Lord Hamlet, with his doublet all unbraced;  
No hat upon his head; his stockings foul'd,  
Ungarter'd, and down-gyved to his ancle;  
Pale as his shirt; his knees knocking each other;  
And with a look so piteous in purport  
As if he had been loosed out of hell  
To speak of horrors,-he comes before me." "Mad for thy love?" "My lord, I do not know;  
But truly, I do fear it." "What said he?" "He took me by the wrist and held me hard;  
Then goes he to the length of all his arm;  
And, with his other hand thus o'er his brow,  
He falls to such perusal of my face  
As he would draw it. Long stay'd he so;  
At last, a little shaking of mine arm  
And thrice his head thus waving up and down,  
He raised a sigh so piteous and profound  
As it did seem to shatter all his bulk  
And end his being: that done, he lets me go:  
And, with his head over his shoulder turn'd,  
He seem'd to find his way without his eyes;  
For out o' doors he went without their helps,  
And, to the last, bended their light on me." "Come, go with me: I will go seek the king.  
This is the very ecstasy of love,  
Whose violent property fordoes itself  
And leads the will to desperate undertakings  
As oft as any passion under heaven  
That does afflict our natures. I am sorry.  
What, have you given him any hard words of late?" "No, my good lord, but, as you did command,  
I did repel his fetters and denied  
His access to me." "That hath made him mad.  
I am sorry that with better heed and judgment  
I had not quoted him: I fear'd he did but trifle,  
And meant to wreck thee; but, beshrew my jealousy!  
By heaven, it is as proper to our age  
To cast beyond ourselves in our opinions  
As it is common for the younger sort  
To lack discretion. Come, go we to the king:  
This must be known; which, being kept close, might  
move  
More grief to hide than hate to utter love." The curtains closed, and opened to a room in the castle. Onstage were Itachi, Konan, Kiba and Shino. "Welcome, dear Rosencrantz and Guildenstern!  
Moreover that we much did long to see you,  
The need we have to use you did provoke  
Our hasty sending. Something have you heard  
Of Hamlet's transformation; so call it,  
Sith nor the exterior nor the inward man  
Resembles that it was. What it should be,  
More than his father's death, that thus hath put him  
So much from the understanding of himself,  
I cannot dream of: I entreat you both,  
That, being of so young days brought up with him,  
And sith so neighbour'd to his youth and havior,  
That you vouchsafe your rest here in our court  
Some little time: so by your companies  
To draw him on to pleasures, and to gather,  
So much as from occasion you may glean,  
Whether aught, to us unknown, afflicts him thus,  
That, open'd, lies within our remedy." Itachi said almost jovially. "Good gentlemen, he hath much talk'd of you;  
And sure I am two men there are not living  
To whom he more adheres. If it will please you  
To show us so much gentry and good will  
As to expend your time with us awhile,  
For the supply and profit of our hope,  
Your visitation shall receive such thanks  
As fits a king's remembrance." Konan said with a smile. "Both your majesties  
Might, by the sovereign power you have of us,  
Put your dread pleasures more into command  
Than to entreaty." Kiba said. "But we both obey,  
And here give up ourselves, in the full bent  
To lay our service freely at your feet,  
To be commanded." Shino mentioned. "Thanks, Rosencrantz and gentle Guildenstern." Itachi said. "Thanks, Guildenstern and gentle Rosencrantz:  
And I beseech you instantly to visit  
My too much changed son. Go, some of you,  
And bring these gentlemen where Hamlet is."Konan also thanked. "Heavens make our presence and our practises  
Pleasant and helpful to him!" Shino said. "Ay, amen!" Konan said. Kiba, Shino and some completely unimportant characters to our story left the stage. Shikamaru walked in. "The ambassadors from Norway, my good lord,  
Are joyfully return'd." Shikamaru informed them. "Thou still hast been the father of good news." Itachi said. "Have I, my lord? I assure my good liege,  
I hold my duty, as I hold my soul,  
Both to my God and to my gracious king:  
And I do think, or else this brain of mine  
Hunts not the trail of policy so sure  
As it hath used to do, that I have found  
The very cause of Hamlet's lunacy." "O, speak of that; that do I long to hear." "Give first admittance to the ambassadors;  
My news shall be the fruit to that great feast." "Thyself do grace to them, and bring them in." Itachi dismissed Shikamaru and turned to Konan. "He tells me, my dear Gertrude, he hath found  
The head and source of all your son's distemper." "I doubt it is no other but the main;  
His father's death, and our o'erhasty marriage." "Well, we shall sift him." Shikamaru reentered the room with Sasori and Deidara in tow, barely resisting ripping each other's throats out. "Welcome, my good friends!  
Say, Voltimand, what from our brother Norway?" Itachi questioned Sasori "Most fair return of greetings and desires.  
Upon our first, he sent out to suppress  
His nephew's levies; which to him appear'd  
To be a preparation 'gainst the Polack;  
But, better look'd into, he truly found  
It was against your highness: whereat grieved,  
That so his sickness, age and impotence  
Was falsely borne in hand, sends out arrests  
On Fortinbras; which he, in brief, obeys;  
Receives rebuke from Norway, and in fine  
Makes vow before his uncle never more  
To give the assay of arms against your majesty.  
Whereon old Norway, overcome with joy,  
Gives him three thousand crowns in annual fee,  
And his commission to employ those soldiers,  
So levied as before, against the Polack:  
With an entreaty, herein further shown,  
That it might please you to give quiet pass  
Through your dominions for this enterprise,  
On such regards of safety and allowance  
As therein are set down." Sasori said, handing Itachi a paper. "It likes us well;  
And at our more consider'd time well read,  
Answer, and think upon this business.  
Meantime we thank you for your well-took labour:  
Go to your rest; at night we'll feast together:  
Most welcome home!" Itachi said as Sasori and Deidara. "This business is well ended.  
My liege, and madam, to expostulate  
What majesty should be, what duty is,  
Why day is day, night night, and time is time,  
Were nothing but to waste night, day and time.  
Therefore, since brevity is the soul of wit,  
And tediousness the limbs and outward flourishes,  
I will be brief: your noble son is mad:  
Mad call I it; for, to define true madness,  
What is't but to be nothing else but mad?  
But let that go." Shikamaru said. "More matter, with less art." Konan said. "Madam, I swear I use no art at all.  
That he is mad, 'tis true: 'tis true 'tis pity;  
And pity 'tis 'tis true: a foolish figure;  
But farewell it, for I will use no art.  
Mad let us grant him, then: and now remains  
That we find out the cause of this effect,  
Or rather say, the cause of this defect,  
For this effect defective comes by cause:  
Thus it remains, and the remainder thus. Perpend.  
I have a daughter-have while she is mine-  
Who, in her duty and obedience, mark,  
Hath given me this: now gather, and surmise." He picked up a paper and began to read. "'To the celestial and my soul's idol, the most  
beautified Ophelia,'-  
That's an ill phrase, a vile phrase; 'beautified' is  
a vile phrase: but you shall hear. Thus: 'In her excellent white bosom, these, & c.'" "Came this from Hamlet to her?" Konan said, barely suppressing a giggle. "Good madam, stay awhile; I will be faithful." He read once again. "'Doubt thou the stars are fire;  
Doubt that the sun doth move;  
Doubt truth to be a liar;  
But never doubt I love.  
'O dear Ophelia, I am ill at these numbers;  
I have not art to reckon my groans: but that  
I love thee best, O most best, believe it. Adieu.  
'Thine evermore most dear lady, whilst  
this machine is to him, HAMLET.'  
This, in obedience, hath my daughter shown me,  
And more above, hath his solicitings,  
As they fell out by time, by means and place,  
All given to mine ear." "But how hath she  
Received his love?" Itachi said puzzled. "What do you think of me?" Shikamaru asked off topic. "As of a man faithful and honourable." "I would fain prove so. But what might you think,  
When I had seen this hot love on the wing-  
As I perceived it, I must tell you that,  
Before my daughter told me-what might you,  
Or my dear majesty your queen here, think,  
If I had play'd the desk or table-book,  
Or given my heart a winking, mute and dumb,  
Or look'd upon this love with idle sight;  
What might you think? No, I went round to work,  
And my young mistress thus I did bespeak:  
'Lord Hamlet is a prince, out of thy star;  
This must not be:' and then I precepts gave her,  
That she should lock herself from his resort,  
Admit no messengers, receive no tokens.  
Which done, she took the fruits of my advice;  
And he, repulsed-a short tale to make-  
Fell into a sadness, then into a fast,  
Thence to a watch, thence into a weakness,  
Thence to a lightness, and, by this declension,  
Into the madness wherein now he raves,  
And all we mourn for." "Do you think 'tis this?" Itachi asked Konan. "It may be, very likely." She replied. "Hath there been such a time-I'd fain know that-  
That I have positively said 'Tis so,'  
When it proved otherwise?" Shikamaru said. "Not that I know." Itachi said, a scowl present on his face. "Take this from this, if this be otherwise:  
If circumstances lead me, I will find  
Where truth is hid, though it were hid indeed  
Within the centre." Shikamaru said, pointing from his head to his shoulder. "How may we try it further?" Itachi questioned. "You know, sometimes he walks four hours together  
Here in the lobby." Shikamaru informed. "So he does indeed." Konan said. "At such a time I'll loose my daughter to him:  
Be you and I behind an arras then;  
Mark the encounter: if he love her not  
And be not from his reason fall'n thereon,  
Let me be no assistant for a state,  
But keep a farm and carters." Shikamaru said, hiding his distaste for the situation. As if Karin would ever be his daughter, and as if Sasuke would ever come remotely close to loving her. "We will try it." Itachi informed. "But, look, where sadly the poor wretch comes reading." Konan said. "Away, I do beseech you, both away:  
I'll board him presently." Shikamaru said. Itachi, Konan and more unimportant people left. Sasuke walked in reading. (The book was actually this play. He was reviewing his lines.) "O, give me leave:  
How does my good Lord Hamlet?" "Well, God-a-mercy." "Do you know me, my lord?" "Excellent well; you are a fishmonger." "Not I, my lord." "Then I would you were so honest a man." "Honest, my lord!" "Ay, sir; to be honest, as this world goes, is to be  
one man picked out of ten thousand." "That's very true, my lord." "For if the sun breed maggots in a dead dog, being a  
god kissing carrion,-Have you a daughter?" "I have, my lord." "Let her not walk i' the sun: conception is a  
blessing: but not as your daughter may conceive.  
Friend, look to 't."

"How say you by that? Still harping on my  
daughter: yet he knew me not at first; he said I  
was a fishmonger: he is far gone, far gone: and  
truly in my youth I suffered much extremity for  
love; very near this. I'll speak to him again.  
What do you read, my lord?"

"Words, words, words." "What is the matter, my lord?" "Between who?" "I mean, the matter that you read, my lord." "Slanders, sir: for the satirical rogue says here  
that old men have grey beards, that their faces are  
wrinkled, their eyes purging thick amber and  
plum-tree gum and that they have a plentiful lack of  
wit, together with most weak hams: all which, sir,  
though I most powerfully and potently believe, yet  
I hold it not honesty to have it thus set down, for  
yourself, sir, should be old as I am, if like a crab  
you could go backward." "Though this be madness, yet there is method  
in 't. Will you walk out of the air, my lord?" "Into my grave." "Indeed, that is out o' the air.  
How pregnant sometimes his replies are! a happiness  
that often madness hits on, which reason and sanity  
could not so prosperously be delivered of. I will  
leave him, and suddenly contrive the means of  
meeting between him and my daughter.-My honourable  
lord, I will most humbly take my leave of you." "You cannot, sir, take from me any thing that I will  
more willingly part withal: except my life, except  
my life, except my life." "Fare you well, my lord." "These tedious old fools!" In walked Kiba and Shino. "You go to seek the Lord Hamlet; there he is." Shikamaru said. "God save you, sir!" Kiba said to Shikamaru, who promptly left. "My honoured lord!" Shino said. "My most dear lord!" Kiba crooned. "My excellent good friends! How dost thou,  
Guildenstern? Ah, Rosencrantz! Good lads, how do ye both?" Sasuke said, trying not to throttle Kiba. "As the indifferent children of the earth." Kiba said. "Happy, in that we are not over-happy;  
On fortune's cap we are not the very button." Shino said. "Nor the soles of her shoe?" Sasuke asked. "Neither, my lord." Kiba said. "Then you live about her waist, or in the middle of  
her favours?" Sasuke asked. "'Faith, her privates we." Shino answered. "In the secret parts of fortune? O, most true; she  
is a strumpet. What's the news?" Sasuke asked again. "None, my lord, but that the world's grown honest." Kiba said. "Then is doomsday near: but your news is not true.  
Let me question more in particular: what have you,  
my good friends, deserved at the hands of fortune,  
that she sends you to prison hither?" Sasuke was getting impatient for an answer, "Prison, my lord!" Shino said, alarmed. "Denmark's a prison." Sasuke stated calmly, though there was hidden malice in his eyes. "Then is the world one." Kiba practically half stated, half asked. "A goodly one; in which there are many confines,  
wards and dungeons, Denmark being one o' the worst." Sasuke deadpanned. "We think not so, my lord." Kiba said. "Why, then, 'tis none to you; for there is nothing  
either good or bad, but thinking makes it so: to me  
it is a prison." Sasuke said. "Why then, your ambition makes it one; 'tis too  
narrow for your mind." Kiba said. "O God, I could be bounded in a nut shell and count  
myself a king of infinite space, were it not that I  
have bad dreams." Sasuke said. "Which dreams indeed are ambition, for the very  
substance of the ambitious is merely the shadow of a dream." Shino said. "A dream itself is but a shadow." Sasuke stated. "Truly, and I hold ambition of so airy and light a  
quality that it is but a shadow's shadow." Kiba said wittily. "Then are our beggars bodies, and our monarchs and  
outstretched heroes the beggars' shadows. Shall we  
to the court? for, by my fay, I cannot reason." Sasuke said. "We'll wait upon you." Shino had to nudge Kiba in order to have him speak at the same time. "No such matter: I will not sort you with the rest  
of my servants, for, to speak to you like an honest  
man, I am most dreadfully attended. But, in the  
beaten way of friendship, what make you at Elsinore?" Sasuke asked. "To visit you, my lord; no other occasion." Kiba said. "Beggar that I am, I am even poor in thanks; but I  
thank you: and sure, dear friends, my thanks are  
too dear a halfpenny. Were you not sent for? Is it  
your own inclining? Is it a free visitation? Come,  
deal justly with me: come, come; nay, speak." Sasuke said. "What should we say, my lord?" Asked Shino cautiously. "Why, any thing, but to the purpose. You were sent  
for; and there is a kind of confession in your looks  
which your modesties have not craft enough to colour:  
I know the good king and queen have sent for you." Sasuke said. "To what end, my lord?" Kiba asked. "That you must teach me. But let me conjure you, by  
the rights of our fellowship, by the consonancy of  
our youth, by the obligation of our ever-preserved  
love, and by what more dear a better proposer could  
charge you withal, be even and direct with me,  
whether you were sent for, or no?" Sasuke asked. "What say you?" Shino asked, standing off to the side. "Nay, then, I have an eye of you.-If you  
love me, hold not off." Sasuke said. "My lord, we were sent for." Shino said. "I will tell you why; so shall my anticipation  
prevent your discovery, and your secrecy to the king  
and queen moult no feather. I have of late-but  
wherefore I know not-lost all my mirth, forgone all  
custom of exercises; and indeed it goes so heavily  
with my disposition that this goodly frame, the  
earth, seems to me a sterile promontory, this most  
excellent canopy, the air, look you, this brave  
o'erhanging firmament, this majestical roof fretted  
with golden fire, why, it appears no other thing to  
me than a foul and pestilent congregation of vapours.  
What a piece of work is a man! how noble in reason!  
how infinite in faculty! in form and moving how  
express and admirable! in action how like an angel!  
in apprehension how like a god! the beauty of the  
world! the paragon of animals! And yet, to me,  
what is this quintessence of dust? man delights not  
me: no, nor woman neither, though by your smiling  
you seem to say so." Sasuke "My lord, there was no such stuff in my thoughts." Said Kiba. "Why did you laugh then, when I said 'man delights not me'?" Asked Sasuke sternly. "To think, my lord, if you delight not in man, what  
lenten entertainment the players shall receive from  
you: we coted them on the way; and hither are they  
coming, to offer you service." Kiba said. "He that plays the king shall be welcome; his majesty  
shall have tribute of me; the adventurous knight  
shall use his foil and target; the lover shall not  
sigh gratis; the humourous man shall end his part  
in peace; the clown shall make those laugh whose  
lungs are tickled o' the sere; and the lady shall  
say her mind freely, or the blank verse shall halt  
for't. What players are they?" Sasuke asked, curious "Even those you were wont to take delight in, the  
tragedians of the city." Kiba said. "How chances it they travel? their residence, both  
in reputation and profit, was better both ways." Sasuke asked. "I think their inhibition comes by the means of the  
late innovation." Kiba answered. "Do they hold the same estimation they did when I was  
in the city? are they so followed?" Sasuke asked again. "No, indeed, are they not." Kiba answered. "How comes it? do they grow rusty?" Sasuke asked. "Nay, their endeavour keeps in the wonted pace: but  
there is, sir, an aery of children, little eyases,  
that cry out on the top of question, and are most  
tyrannically clapped for't: these are now the  
fashion, and so berattle the common stages-so they  
call them-that many wearing rapiers are afraid of  
goose-quills and dare scarce come thither." Kiba said. "What, are they children? who maintains 'em? how are  
they escoted? Will they pursue the quality no  
longer than they can sing? will they not say  
afterwards, if they should grow themselves to common  
players-as it is most like, if their means are no  
better-their writers do them wrong, to make them  
exclaim against their own succession?" Sasuke asked. "'Faith, there has been much to do on both sides; and  
the nation holds it no sin to tarre them to  
controversy: there was, for a while, no money bid  
for argument, unless the poet and the player went to  
cuffs in the question." Kiba answered. "Is't possible?" Sasuke questioned. "O, there has been much throwing about of brains." Shino said, relishing his line. "Do the boys carry it away?" asked Sasuke. "Ay, that they do, my lord; Hercules and his load too." Kiba answered. "It is not very strange; for mine uncle is king of  
Denmark, and those that would make mows at him while  
my father lived, give twenty, forty, fifty, an  
hundred ducats a-piece for his picture in little.  
'Sblood, there is something in this more than  
natural, if philosophy could find it out." Sasuke said, before he heard some trumpets. "There are the players." Shino declared. "Gentlemen, you are welcome to Elsinore. Your hands,  
come then: the appurtenance of welcome is fashion  
and ceremony: let me comply with you in this garb,  
lest my extent to the players, which, I tell you,  
must show fairly outward, should more appear like  
entertainment than yours. You are welcome: but my  
uncle-father and aunt-mother are deceived." Sasuke told Kiba and Shino. "In what, my dear lord?" Shino asked. "I am but mad north-north-west: when the wind is  
southerly I know a hawk from a handsaw." Sasuke answered. Just then, Shikamaru walked onstage, looking bored as usual. "Well be with you, gentlemen!" He declared. "Hark you, Guildenstern; and you too: at each ear a  
hearer: that great baby you see there is not yet  
out of his swaddling-clouts." Sasuke whispered to Shino and Kiba. "Happily he's the second time come to them; for they  
say an old man is twice a child." Kiba sais, suppressing a giggle. "I will prophesy he comes to tell me of the players;  
mark it. You say right, sir: o' Monday morning;  
'twas so indeed." Sasuke said with a raised eyebrow. "My lord, I have news to tell you." Shikamaru said. "My lord, I have news to tell you.  
When Roscius was an actor in Rome,-" Sasuke replied, poking fun at him. "The actors are come hither, my lord." Shikamaru said unfazed. "Buz, buz!" Sasuke said, ignoring him. "Upon mine honour,-" Shikamaru started. "Then came each actor on his ass,-" Sasuke said, earning laughter from the crowd. "The best actors in the world, either for tragedy,  
comedy, history, pastoral, pastoral-comical,  
historical-pastoral, tragical-historical, tragical-  
comical-historical-pastoral, scene individable, or  
poem unlimited: Seneca cannot be too heavy, nor  
Plautus too light. For the law of writ and the  
liberty, these are the only men." Shikamaru boredly declared. "O Jephthah, judge of Israel, what a treasure hadst thou!" Sasuke said, seemingly unaware of Shikamaru's words. "What a treasure had he, my lord?" Shikamaru asked. "Why,  
'One fair daughter and no more,  
The which he loved passing well.'" Sasuke said proudly. "Still on my daughter."Shikamaru said, rolling his eyes. "Am I not i' the right, old Jephthah?" Sasuke asked. "If you call me Jephthah, my lord, I have a daughter  
that I love passing well." Shikamaru said. "Nay, that follows not." Sasuke answered. "What follows, then, my lord?" Shikamaru asked. "Why,  
'As by lot, God wot,'  
and then, you know,  
'It came to pass, as most like it was,'-  
the first row of the pious chanson will show you  
more; for look, where my abridgement comes." Sasuke paused as Naruto, Hinata, Tenten and Ino walked in. "You are welcome, masters; welcome, all. I am glad  
to see thee well. Welcome, good friends. O, my old  
friend! thy face is valenced since I saw thee last:  
comest thou to beard me in Denmark? What, my young  
lady and mistress! By'r lady, your ladyship is  
nearer to heaven than when I saw you last, by the  
altitude of a chopine. Pray God, your voice, like  
apiece of uncurrent gold, be not cracked within the  
ring. Masters, you are all welcome. We'll e'en  
to't like French falconers, fly at any thing we see:  
we'll have a speech straight: come, give us a taste  
of your quality; come, a passionate speech." He said to them. "What speech, my lord?" Naruto asked, though he was clearly frusterated that Sasuke had a better role. "I heard thee speak me a speech once, but it was  
never acted; or, if it was, not above once; for the  
play, I remember, pleased not the million; 'twas  
caviare to the general: but it was-as I received  
it, and others, whose judgments in such matters  
cried in the top of mine-an excellent play, well  
digested in the scenes, set down with as much  
modesty as cunning. I remember, one said there  
were no sallets in the lines to make the matter  
savoury, nor no matter in the phrase that might  
indict the author of affectation; but called it an  
honest method, as wholesome as sweet, and by very  
much more handsome than fine. One speech in it I  
chiefly loved: 'twas Aeneas' tale to Dido; and  
thereabout of it especially, where he speaks of  
Priam's slaughter: if it live in your memory, begin  
at this line: let me see, let me see-  
'The rugged Pyrrhus, like the Hyrcanian beast,'-  
it is not so:-it begins with Pyrrhus:-  
'The rugged Pyrrhus, he whose sable arms,  
Black as his purpose, did the night resemble  
When he lay couched in the ominous horse,  
Hath now this dread and black complexion smear'd  
With heraldry more dismal; head to foot  
Now is he total gules; horridly trick'd  
With blood of fathers, mothers, daughters, sons,  
Baked and impasted with the parching streets,  
That lend a tyrannous and damned light  
To their lord's murder: roasted in wrath and fire,  
And thus o'er-sized with coagulate gore,  
With eyes like carbuncles, the hellish Pyrrhus  
Old grandsire Priam seeks.'  
So, proceed you." Sasuke said. "'Fore God, my lord, well spoken, with good accent and  
good discretion." Shikamaru praised. "'Anon he finds him  
Striking too short at Greeks; his antique sword,  
Rebellious to his arm, lies where it falls,  
Repugnant to command: unequal match'd,  
Pyrrhus at Priam drives; in rage strikes wide;  
But with the whiff and wind of his fell sword  
The unnerved father falls. Then senseless Ilium,  
Seeming to feel this blow, with flaming top  
Stoops to his base, and with a hideous crash  
Takes prisoner Pyrrhus' ear: for, lo! his sword,  
Which was declining on the milky head  
Of reverend Priam, seem'd i' the air to stick:  
So, as a painted tyrant, Pyrrhus stood,  
And like a neutral to his will and matter,  
Did nothing.  
But, as we often see, against some storm,  
A silence in the heavens, the rack stand still,  
The bold winds speechless and the orb below  
As hush as death, anon the dreadful thunder  
Doth rend the region, so, after Pyrrhus' pause,  
Aroused vengeance sets him new a-work;  
And never did the Cyclops' hammers fall  
On Mars's armour forged for proof eterne  
With less remorse than Pyrrhus' bleeding sword  
Now falls on Priam.  
Out, out, thou strumpet, Fortune! All you gods,  
In general synod 'take away her power;  
Break all the spokes and fellies from her wheel,  
And bowl the round nave down the hill of heaven,  
As low as to the fiends!'" Naruto recited. "This is too long." Shikamaru said, getting bored. Naruto nodded his head subtly. "It shall to the barber's, with your beard. Prithee,  
say on: he's for a jig or a tale of bawdry, or he  
sleeps: say on: come to Hecuba." Sasuke said. "'But who, O, who had seen the mobled queen-'" Naruto said before being cut off by Sasuke. "'The mobled queen?'" He asked. "That's good; 'mobled queen' is good." Shikamaru said. "'Run barefoot up and down, threatening the flames  
With bisson rheum; a clout upon that head  
Where late the diadem stood, and for a robe,  
About her lank and all o'er-teemed loins,  
A blanket, in the alarm of fear caught up;  
Who this had seen, with tongue in venom steep'd,  
'Gainst Fortune's state would treason have  
pronounced:  
But if the gods themselves did see her then  
When she saw Pyrrhus make malicious sport  
In mincing with his sword her husband's limbs,  
The instant burst of clamour that she made,  
Unless things mortal move them not at all,  
Would have made milch the burning eyes of heaven,  
And passion in the gods.'" Naruto quoted once more. "Look, whether he has not turned his colour and has  
tears in's eyes. Pray you, no more." Shikamaru said. "'Tis well: I'll have thee speak out the rest soon.  
Good my lord, will you see the players well  
bestowed? Do you hear, let them be well used; for  
they are the abstract and brief chronicles of the  
time: after your death you were better have a bad  
epitaph than their ill report while you live." Sasuke said. "My lord, I will use them according to their desert." Shikamaru replied. "God's bodykins, man, much better: use every man  
after his desert, and who should 'scape whipping?  
Use them after your own honour and dignity: the less  
they deserve, the more merit is in your bounty.  
Take them in." Sasuke commanded. "Come, sirs." Shikamaru said, motioning for them to follow him. "Follow him, friends: we'll hear a play to-morrow." As Sasuke said that, Shikamaru exited the stage with Hinata, Tenten and Ino. "Dost thou hear me, old friend; can you play the  
Murder of Gonzago?" Sasuke asked Naruto. "Ay, my lord." "We'll ha't to-morrow night. You could, for a need,  
study a speech of some dozen or sixteen lines, which  
I would set down and insert in't, could you not?" "Ay, my lord." "Very well. Follow that lord; and look you mock him  
not." After Sasuke said this, Naruto bowed and left. "My good friends, I'll leave you till night: you are  
welcome to Elsinore." Sasuke said, turning to the forgotten Kiba and Shino. "Good my lord!" Kiba said joyusly. "Ay, so, God be wi' ye;" Sasuke said. The two then left Sasuke all alone, so naturally, it's monologue time. "Now I am alone.  
O, what a rogue and peasant slave am I!  
Is it not monstrous that this player here,  
But in a fiction, in a dream of passion,  
Could force his soul so to his own conceit  
That from her working all his visage wann'd,  
Tears in his eyes, distraction in's aspect,  
A broken voice, and his whole function suiting  
With forms to his conceit? and all for nothing!  
For Hecuba!  
What's Hecuba to him, or he to Hecuba,  
That he should weep for her? What would he do,  
Had he the motive and the cue for passion  
That I have? He would drown the stage with tears  
And cleave the general ear with horrid speech,  
Make mad the guilty and appal the free,  
Confound the ignorant, and amaze indeed  
The very faculties of eyes and ears. Yet I,  
A dull and muddy-mettled rascal, peak,  
Like John-a-dreams, unpregnant of my cause,  
And can say nothing; no, not for a king,  
Upon whose property and most dear life  
A damn'd defeat was made. Am I a coward?  
Who calls me villain? breaks my pate across?  
Plucks off my beard, and blows it in my face?  
Tweaks me by the nose? gives me the lie i' the throat,  
As deep as to the lungs? who does me this?  
Ha!  
'Swounds, I should take it: for it cannot be  
But I am pigeon-liver'd and lack gall  
To make oppression bitter, or ere this  
I should have fatted all the region kites  
With this slave's offal: bloody, bawdy villain!  
Remorseless, treacherous, lecherous, kindless villain!  
O, vengeance!  
Why, what an ass am I! This is most brave,  
That I, the son of a dear father murder'd,  
Prompted to my revenge by heaven and hell,  
Must, like a whore, unpack my heart with words,  
And fall a-cursing, like a very drab,  
A scullion!  
Fie upon't! foh! About, my brain! I have heard  
That guilty creatures sitting at a play  
Have by the very cunning of the scene  
Been struck so to the soul that presently  
They have proclaim'd their malefactions;  
For murder, though it have no tongue, will speak  
With most miraculous organ. I'll have these players  
Play something like the murder of my father  
Before mine uncle: I'll observe his looks;  
I'll tent him to the quick: if he but blench,  
I know my course. The spirit that I have seen  
May be the devil: and the devil hath power  
To assume a pleasing shape; yea, and perhaps  
Out of my weakness and my melancholy,  
As he is very potent with such spirits,  
Abuses me to damn me: I'll have grounds  
More relative than this: the play 's the thing  
Wherein I'll catch the conscience of the king." He declared before exiting. The curtains opened once again to show that room in the castle. Onstage were Itachi, Konan, Shikamaru, Karin, Kiba and Shino,  
"And can you, by no drift of circumstance,  
Get from him why he puts on this confusion,  
Grating so harshly all his days of quiet  
With turbulent and dangerous lunacy?" Itachi questioned. "He does confess he feels himself distracted;  
But from what cause he will by no means speak." Kiba answered. "Nor do we find him forward to be sounded,  
But, with a crafty madness, keeps aloof,  
When we would bring him on to some confession  
Of his true state." Shino said. "Did he receive you well?" Konan asked cautiously. "Most like a gentleman." Kiba assured, "But with much forcing of his disposition." Shino said. "Niggard of question; but, of our demands,  
Most free in his reply." Kiba said. "Did you assay him?  
To any pastime?" Konan asked again. "Madam, it so fell out, that certain players  
We o'er-raught on the way: of these we told him;  
And there did seem in him a kind of joy  
To hear of it: they are about the court,  
And, as I think, they have already order  
This night to play before him." Kiba said. "'Tis most true:  
And he beseech'd me to entreat your majesties  
To hear and see the matter." Shikamaru confirmed Kiba's statement. "With all my heart; and it doth much content me  
To hear him so inclined.  
Good gentlemen, give him a further edge,  
And drive his purpose on to these delights." Itachi said. "We shall, my lord." Kiba said before leaving with Shino. "Sweet Gertrude, leave us too;  
For we have closely sent for Hamlet hither,  
That he, as 'twere by accident, may here  
Affront Ophelia:  
Her father and myself, lawful espials,  
Will so bestow ourselves that, seeing, unseen,  
We may of their encounter frankly judge,  
And gather by him, as he is behaved,  
If 't be the affliction of his love or no  
That thus he suffers for." Itachi said to Konan. "I shall obey you.  
And for your part, Ophelia, I do wish  
That your good beauties be the happy cause  
Of Hamlet's wildness: so shall I hope your virtues  
Will bring him to his wonted way again,  
To both your honours." Konan said. "Madam, I wish it may." Karin said smiling as Konan left. "Ophelia, walk you here. Gracious, so please you,  
We will bestow ourselves." Shikamaru handed Karin a book before continuing. "Read on this book;  
That show of such an exercise may colour  
Your loneliness. We are oft to blame in this,-  
'Tis too much proved-that with devotion's visage  
And pious action we do sugar o'er  
The devil himself." "O, 'tis too true!  
How smart a lash that speech doth give my conscience!  
The harlot's cheek, beautied with plastering art,  
Is not more ugly to the thing that helps it  
Than is my deed to my most painted word:  
O heavy burthen!" Itachi agreed. "I hear him coming: let's withdraw, my lord." Shikamaru said, before leaving Karin alone on the stage. Sasuke soon walked on. "To be, or not to be: that is the question:  
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer  
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,  
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,  
And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;  
No more; and by a sleep to say we end  
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks  
That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation  
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;  
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;  
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come  
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,  
Must give us pause: there's the respect  
That makes calamity of so long life;  
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,  
The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,  
The pangs of despised love, the law's delay,  
The insolence of office and the spurns  
That patient merit of the unworthy takes,  
When he himself might his quietus make  
With a bare bodkin? who would fardels bear,  
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,  
But that the dread of something after death,  
The undiscover'd country from whose bourn  
No traveller returns, puzzles the will  
And makes us rather bear those ills we have  
Than fly to others that we know not of?  
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all;  
And thus the native hue of resolution  
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,  
And enterprises of great pith and moment  
With this regard their currents turn awry,  
And lose the name of action.-Soft you now!  
The fair Ophelia! Nymph, in thy orisons  
Be all my sins remember'd." Sasuke said to her. "Good my lord,  
How does your honour for this many a day?" "I humbly thank you; well, well, well." "My lord, I have remembrances of yours,  
That I have longed long to re-deliver;  
I pray you, now receive them." "No, not I;  
I never gave you aught." Sasuke spoke the truth for real life as well. "My honour'd lord, you know right well you did;  
And, with them, words of so sweet breath composed  
As made the things more rich: their perfume lost,  
Take these again; for to the noble mind  
Rich gifts wax poor when givers prove unkind.  
There, my lord." "Ha, ha! are you honest?" "My lord?" "Are you fair?" "What means your lordship?" "That if you be honest and fair, your honesty should  
admit no discourse to your beauty." "Could beauty, my lord, have better commerce than  
with honesty?" "Ay, truly; for the power of beauty will sooner  
transform honesty from what it is to a bawd than the  
force of honesty can translate beauty into his  
likeness: this was sometime a paradox, but now the  
time gives it proof. I did love you once." As he said the last line, he inwardly grimaced, and some people offstage let out a small chuckle. In your dreams Karin! "Indeed, my lord, you made me believe so." "You should not have believed me; for virtue cannot  
so inoculate our old stock but we shall relish of  
it: I loved you not." "I was the more deceived." "Get thee to a nunnery: why wouldst thou be a  
breeder of sinners? I am myself indifferent honest;  
but yet I could accuse me of such things that it  
were better my mother had not borne me: I am very  
proud, revengeful, ambitious, with more offences at  
my beck than I have thoughts to put them in,  
imagination to give them shape, or time to act them  
in. What should such fellows as I do crawling  
between earth and heaven? We are arrant knaves,  
all; believe none of us. Go thy ways to a nunnery.  
Where's your father?" **(A/N: In old England, a nunnery was another word for a brothel)** "At home, my lord." "Let the doors be shut upon him, that he may play the  
fool no where but in's own house. Farewell." "O, help him, you sweet heavens!" "If thou dost marry, I'll give thee this plague for  
thy dowry: be thou as chaste as ice, as pure as  
snow, thou shalt not escape calumny. Get thee to a  
nunnery, go: farewell. Or, if thou wilt needs  
marry, marry a fool; for wise men know well enough  
what monsters you make of them. To a nunnery, go,  
and quickly too. Farewell." "O heavenly powers, restore him!" "I have heard of your paintings too, well enough; God  
has given you one face, and you make yourselves  
another: you jig, you amble, and you lisp, and  
nick-name God's creatures, and make your wantonness  
your ignorance. Go to, I'll no more on't; it hath  
made me mad. I say, we will have no more marriages:  
those that are married already, all but one, shall  
live; the rest shall keep as they are. To a  
nunnery, go." Then he left. "O, what a noble mind is here o'erthrown!  
The courtier's, soldier's, scholar's, eye, tongue, sword;  
The expectancy and rose of the fair state,  
The glass of fashion and the mould of form,  
The observed of all observers, quite, quite down!  
And I, of ladies most deject and wretched,  
That suck'd the honey of his music vows,  
Now see that noble and most sovereign reason,  
Like sweet bells jangled, out of tune and harsh;  
That unmatch'd form and feature of blown youth  
Blasted with ecstasy: O, woe is me,  
To have seen what I have seen, see what I see!" Karin wailed, not really making anyone feel sorry for her. Just then, Itachi and Shikamaru returned. "Love! his affections do not that way tend;  
Nor what he spake, though it lack'd form a little,  
Was not like madness. There's something in his soul,  
O'er which his melancholy sits on brood;  
And I do doubt the hatch and the disclose  
Will be some danger: which for to prevent,  
I have in quick determination  
Thus set it down: he shall with speed to England,  
For the demand of our neglected tribute  
Haply the seas and countries different  
With variable objects shall expel  
This something-settled matter in his heart,  
Whereon his brains still beating puts him thus  
From fashion of himself. What think you on't?" Itachi asked. "It shall do well: but yet do I believe  
The origin and commencement of his grief  
Sprung from neglected love. How now, Ophelia!  
You need not tell us what Lord Hamlet said;  
We heard it all. My lord, do as you please;  
But, if you hold it fit, after the play  
Let his queen mother all alone entreat him  
To show his grief: let her be round with him;  
And I'll be placed, so please you, in the ear  
Of all their conference. If she find him not,  
To England send him, or confine him where  
Your wisdom best shall think." Shikamaru answered. "It shall be so:  
Madness in great ones must not unwatch'd go." Itachi decided. The curtains closed. The curtains opened to show a hall in the castle. Sasuke and the Players were the only ones onstage.

**"**Speak the speech, I pray you, as I pronounced it to  
you, trippingly on the tongue: but if you mouth it,  
as many of your players do, I had as lief the  
town-crier spoke my lines. Nor do not saw the air  
too much with your hand, thus, but use all gently;  
for in the very torrent, tempest, and, as I may say,  
the whirlwind of passion, you must acquire and beget  
a temperance that may give it smoothness. O, it  
offends me to the soul to hear a robustious  
periwig-pated fellow tear a passion to tatters, to  
very rags, to split the ears of the groundlings, who  
for the most part are capable of nothing but  
inexplicable dumbshows and noise: I would have such  
a fellow whipped for o'erdoing Termagant; it  
out-herods Herod: pray you, avoid it." Sasuke said.

"I warrant your honour." Naruto replied. "Be not too tame neither, but let your own discretion  
be your tutor: suit the action to the word, the  
word to the action; with this special o'erstep not  
the modesty of nature: for any thing so overdone is  
from the purpose of playing, whose end, both at the  
first and now, was and is, to hold, as 'twere, the  
mirror up to nature; to show virtue her own feature,  
scorn her own image, and the very age and body of  
the time his form and pressure. Now this overdone,  
or come tardy off, though it make the unskilful  
laugh, cannot but make the judicious grieve; the  
censure of the which one must in your allowance  
o'erweigh a whole theatre of others. O, there be  
players that I have seen play, and heard others  
praise, and that highly, not to speak it profanely,  
that, neither having the accent of Christians nor  
the gait of Christian, pagan, nor man, have so  
strutted and bellowed that I have thought some of  
nature's journeymen had made men and not made them  
well, they imitated humanity so abominably." Sasuke decreed. "I hope we have reformed that indifferently with us,  
sir." Naruto said. "O, reform it altogether. And let those that play  
your clowns speak no more than is set down for them;  
for there be of them that will themselves laugh, to  
set on some quantity of barren spectators to laugh  
too; though, in the mean time, some necessary  
question of the play be then to be considered:  
that's villanous, and shows a most pitiful ambition  
in the fool that uses it. Go, make you ready." Sasuke commanded as the players left to prepare. Soon enough, Shikamaru, Kiba and Shino entered. "How now, my lord! I will the king hear this piece of work?" Sasuke asked. "And the queen too, and that presently." Shikamaru replied. "Bid the players make haste." Sasuke said as Shikamaru hurried off. He then trned to Kiba and Shino. "Will you two help to hasten them?" "We will, my lord." They said before leaving as well. "What ho! Horatio!" Sasuke said, noticing Sakura offstage. He beckoned for her to enter. "Here, sweet lord, at your service." She said sweetly. "Horatio, thou art e'en as just a man  
As e'er my conversation coped withal." "O, my dear lord,-" "Nay, do not think I flatter;  
For what advancement may I hope from thee  
That no revenue hast but thy good spirits,  
To feed and clothe thee? Why should the poor be flatter'd?  
No, let the candied tongue lick absurd pomp,  
And crook the pregnant hinges of the knee  
Where thrift may follow fawning. Dost thou hear?  
Since my dear soul was mistress of her choice  
And could of men distinguish, her election  
Hath seal'd thee for herself; for thou hast been  
As one, in suffering all, that suffers nothing,  
A man that fortune's buffets and rewards  
Hast ta'en with equal thanks: and blest are those  
Whose blood and judgment are so well commingled,  
That they are not a pipe for fortune's finger  
To sound what stop she please. Give me that man  
That is not passion's slave, and I will wear him  
In my heart's core, ay, in my heart of heart,  
As I do thee.-Something too much of this.-  
There is a play to-night before the king;  
One scene of it comes near the circumstance  
Which I have told thee of my father's death:  
I prithee, when thou seest that act afoot,  
Even with the very comment of thy soul  
Observe mine uncle: if his occulted guilt  
Do not itself unkennel in one speech,  
It is a damned ghost that we have seen,  
And my imaginations are as foul  
As Vulcan's stithy. Give him heedful note;  
For I mine eyes will rivet to his face,  
And after we will both our judgments join  
In censure of his seeming." "Well, my lord:  
If he steal aught the whilst this play is playing,  
And 'scape detecting, I will pay the theft." "They are coming to the play; I must be idle:  
Get you a place." Sasuke commanded her just as many people walked onstage to a Danish march. "How fares our cousin Hamlet?" Itachi asked. "Excellent, i' faith; of the chameleon's dish: I eat  
the air, promise-crammed: you cannot feed capons so." Sasuke replied. "I have nothing with this answer, Hamlet; these words  
are not mine." Itachi retorted. "No, nor mine now." Sasuke replied. "My lord, you played once i' the university, you say?" Sasuke asked Shikamaru. "That did I, my lord; and was accounted a good actor." He replied. "What did you enact?" Sasuke questioned. "I did enact Julius Caesar: I was killed i' the  
Capitol; Brutus killed me." Shikamaru answered. "It was a brute part of him to kill so capital a calf  
there. Be the players ready?" Sasuke asked. "Ay, my lord; they stay upon your patience." Kiba answered, a smile on his face. "Come hither, my dear Hamlet, sit by me." Konan said softly. "No, good mother, here's metal more attractive." Sasuke retorted. "O, ho! do you mark that?" Shikamaru asked Itachi, who naturally said nothing. "Lady, shall I lie in your lap?" Sasuke asked Karin, while laying down at her feet, "No, my lord." "I mean, my head upon your lap?" He gagged at the question. "Ay, my lord." Karin was beaming! Her Sasuke's head was on her lap! "Do you think I meant country matters?" "I think nothing, my lord." "That's a fair thought to lie between maids' legs." "What is, my lord?" "Nothing." "You are merry, my lord." "Who, I?" "Ay, my lord." "O God, your only jig-maker. What should a man do  
but be merry? for, look you, how cheerfully my  
mother looks, and my father died within these two hours." "Nay, 'tis twice two months, my lord." "So long? Nay then, let the devil wear black, for  
I'll have a suit of sables. O heavens! die two  
months ago, and not forgotten yet? Then there's  
hope a great man's memory may outlive his life half  
a year: but, by'r lady, he must build churches,  
then; or else shall he suffer not thinking on, with  
the hobby-horse, whose epitaph is 'For, O, for, O,  
the hobby-horse is forgot.'" Sasuke said, before paying attention to the play. "What means this, my lord?" Karin asked. "Marry, this is miching mallecho; it means mischief." "Belike this show imports the argument of the play."  
"We shall know by this fellow: the players cannot  
keep counsel; they'll tell all." "Will he tell us what this show meant?" "Ay, or any show that you'll show him: be not you  
ashamed to show, he'll not shame to tell you what it means." "You are naught, you are naught: I'll mark the play." "For us, and for our tragedy,  
Here stooping to your clemency,  
We beg your hearing patiently." Ino spoke clearly. "Is this a prologue, or the posy of a ring?" Sasuke asked. "'Tis brief, my lord." Karin answered. "As woman's love." Sasuke actually joked. Hinata and Naruto entered the makeshift 'stage'. "Full thirty times hath Phoebus' cart gone round  
Neptune's salt wash and Tellus' orbed ground,  
And thirty dozen moons with borrow'd sheen  
About the world have times twelve thirties been,  
Since love our hearts and Hymen did our hands  
Unite commutual in most sacred bands." Naruto, the king, spoke. "So many journeys may the sun and moon  
Make us again count o'er ere love be done!  
But, woe is me, you are so sick of late,  
So far from cheer and from your former state,  
That I distrust you. Yet, though I distrust,  
Discomfort you, my lord, it nothing must:  
For women's fear and love holds quantity;  
In neither aught, or in extremity.  
Now, what my love is, proof hath made you know;  
And as my love is sized, my fear is so:  
Where love is great, the littlest doubts are fear;  
Where little fears grow great, great love grows there." Hinata said, voice full of grief. "'Faith, I must leave thee, love, and shortly too;  
My operant powers their functions leave to do:  
And thou shalt live in this fair world behind,  
Honour'd, beloved; and haply one as kind  
For husband shalt thou-" Naruto said. "O, confound the rest!  
Such love must needs be treason in my breast:  
In second husband let me be accurst!  
None wed the second but who kill'd the first." Hinata questioned. "Wormwood, wormwood." Sasuke whispered from the sidelines. "The instances that second marriage move  
Are base respects of thrift, but none of love:  
A second time I kill my husband dead,  
When second husband kisses me in bed." Hinata said. "I do believe you think what now you speak;  
But what we do determine oft we break.  
Purpose is but the slave to memory,  
Of violent birth, but poor validity;  
Which now, like fruit unripe, sticks on the tree;  
But fall, unshaken, when they mellow be.  
Most necessary 'tis that we forget  
To pay ourselves what to ourselves is debt:  
What to ourselves in passion we propose,  
The passion ending, doth the purpose lose.  
The violence of either grief or joy  
Their own enactures with themselves destroy:  
Where joy most revels, grief doth most lament;  
Grief joys, joy grieves, on slender accident.  
This world is not for aye, nor 'tis not strange  
That even our loves should with our fortunes change;  
For 'tis a question left us yet to prove,  
Whether love lead fortune, or else fortune love.  
The great man down, you mark his favourite flies;  
The poor advanced makes friends of enemies.  
And hitherto doth love on fortune tend;  
For who not needs shall never lack a friend,  
And who in want a hollow friend doth try,  
Directly seasons him his enemy.  
But, orderly to end where I begun,  
Our wills and fates do so contrary run  
That our devices still are overthrown;  
Our thoughts are ours, their ends none of our own:  
So think thou wilt no second husband wed;  
But die thy thoughts when thy first lord is dead." Naruto said. "Nor earth to me give food, nor heaven light!  
Sport and repose lock from me day and night!  
To desperation turn my trust and hope!  
An anchor's cheer in prison be my scope!  
Each opposite that blanks the face of joy  
Meet what I would have well and it destroy!  
Both here and hence pursue me lasting strife,  
If, once a widow, ever I be wife!" Hinata said. "If she should break it now!" Sasuke said. "'Tis deeply sworn. Sweet, leave me here awhile;  
My spirits grow dull, and fain I would beguile  
The tedious day with sleep." Naruto yawned before laying down to rest. "Sleep rock thy brain,  
And never come mischance between us twain!" Hinata declared. "Madam, how like you this play?" Sasuke asked Konan. "The lady protests too much, methinks." She said. "O, but she'll keep her word." Sasuke assured. "Have you heard the argument? Is there no offence in 't?" Itachi asked. "No, no, they do but jest, poison in jest; no offence  
i' the world." Sasuke replied. "What do you call the play?" Itachi asked. "The Mouse-trap. Marry, how? Tropically. This play  
is the image of a murder done in Vienna: Gonzago is  
the duke's name; his wife, Baptista: you shall see  
anon; 'tis a knavish piece of work: but what o'  
that? your majesty and we that have free souls, it  
touches us not: let the galled jade wince, our  
withers are unwrung." Sasuke said before returning his attention to the play. "This is one Lucianus, nephew to the king." Sasuke said, gesturing to Tenten. "You are as good as a chorus, my lord." Karin praised. "I could interpret between you and your love, if I  
could see the puppets dallying." he replied. "You are keen, my lord, you are keen." "It would cost you a groaning to take off my edge." "Still better, and worse." "So you must take your husbands. Begin, murderer;  
pox, leave thy damnable faces, and begin. Come:  
'the croaking raven doth bellow for revenge.'" Sasuje said. "Thoughts black, hands apt, drugs fit, and time agreeing;  
Confederate season, else no creature seeing;  
Thou mixture rank, of midnight weeds collected,  
With Hecate's ban thrice blasted, thrice infected,  
Thy natural magic and dire property,  
On wholesome life usurp immediately." Tenten said, pouring the 'poison' into Naruto's ears. "He poisons him i' the garden for's estate. His  
name's Gonzago: the story is extant, and writ in  
choice Italian: you shall see anon how the murderer  
gets the love of Gonzago's wife." Sasuke told Karin. "The king rises." Karin stated. "What, frighted with false fire!" Sasuke said. "How fares my lord?" Konan asked. "Give o'er the play." Shikamaru said. "Give me some light: away!" Itachi yelled, clearly panicked. He ran off stage. "Lights, lights, lights!" Everyone yelled. Everyone then left except for Sasuke and Sakura. "Why, let the stricken deer go weep,  
The hart ungalled play;  
For some must watch, while some must sleep:  
So runs the world away.  
Would not this, sir, and a forest of feathers- if  
the rest of my fortunes turn Turk with me-with two  
Provincial roses on my razed shoes, get me a  
fellowship in a cry of players, sir?" Sasuke asked. "Half a share." "A whole one, I.  
For thou dost know, O Damon dear,  
This realm dismantled was  
Of Jove himself; and now reigns here  
A very, very-pajock." "You might have rhymed." "O good Horatio, I'll take the ghost's word for a  
thousand pound. Didst perceive?" "Very well, my lord." "Upon the talk of the poisoning?" "I did very well note him." "Ah, ha! Come, some music! come, the recorders!  
For if the king like not the comedy,  
Why then, belike, he likes it not, perdy.  
Come, some music!" Sasuke said. Kiba and Shino then re-entered the stage. "Good my lord, vouchsafe me a word with you." Shino asked. "Sir, a whole history." Sasuke replied. "The king, sir,-" "Ay, sir, what of him?" "Is in his retirement marvellous distempered." "With drink, sir?" "No, my lord, rather with choler." "Your wisdom should show itself more richer to  
signify this to his doctor; for, for me to put him  
to his purgation would perhaps plunge him into far  
more choler." "Good my lord, put your discourse into some frame and  
start not so wildly from my affair." "I am tame, sir: pronounce." "The queen, your mother, in most great affliction of  
spirit, hath sent me to you." "You are welcome." "Nay, good my lord, this courtesy is not of the right  
breed. If it shall please you to make me a  
wholesome answer, I will do your mother's  
commandment: if not, your pardon and my return  
shall be the end of my business." "Sir, I cannot." "What, my lord?" "Make you a wholesome answer; my wit's diseased: but,  
sir, such answer as I can make, you shall command;  
or, rather, as you say, my mother: therefore no  
more, but to the matter: my mother, you say,-" "Then thus she says; your behavior hath struck her  
into amazement and admiration." Kiba butted in. "O wonderful son, that can so astonish a mother! But  
is there no sequel at the heels of this mother's  
admiration? Impart." Sasuke said. "She desires to speak with you in her closet, ere you  
go to bed." Kiba said. "We shall obey, were she ten times our mother. Have  
you any further trade with us?" Sasuke asked sourly. "My lord, you once did love me." Kiba said, earning some gasps from the crowd. "So I do still, by these pickers and stealers." Sasuke said, angry. "Good my lord, what is your cause of distemper? you  
do, surely, bar the door upon your own liberty, if  
you deny your griefs to your friend." Kiba said. "Sir, I lack advancement." Sasuke replied. "How can that be, when you have the voice of the king  
himself for your succession in Denmark?" Kiba asked. "Ay, but sir, 'While the grass grows,'-the proverb  
is something musty." Sasuke answered. He then spotted the players with recorders. "O, the recorders! let me see one. To withdraw with  
you:-why do you go about to recover the wind of me,  
as if you would drive me into a toil?" Sasuke asked. "O, my lord, if my duty be too bold, my love is too  
unmannerly." Shino said. "I do not well understand that. Will you play upon  
this pipe?" Sasuke asked. "My lord, I cannot." Said Shino. "I pray you." Sasuke commanded/ pleaded. "Believe me, I cannot." Shino said, dissapointed. "I do beseech you." "I know no touch of it, my lord." "'Tis as easy as lying: govern these ventages with  
your lingers and thumb, give it breath with your  
mouth, and it will discourse most eloquent music.  
Look you, these are the stops." "But these cannot I command to any utterance of  
harmony; I have not the skill." "Why, look you now, how unworthy a thing you make of  
me! You would play upon me; you would seem to know  
my stops; you would pluck out the heart of my  
mystery; you would sound me from my lowest note to  
the top of my compass: and there is much music,  
excellent voice, in this little organ; yet cannot  
you make it speak. 'Sblood, do you think I am  
easier to be played on than a pipe? Call me what  
instrument you will, though you can fret me, yet you  
cannot play upon me." Sasuke said, though he continued once Shikamaru had entered. "God bless you, sir!" "My lord, the queen would speak with you, and  
presently."spoke an unamused Shikamaru. "Do you see yonder cloud that's almost in shape of a camel?" Sasuke asked, completely off-topic. "By the mass, and 'tis like a camel, indeed." Shikamaru readily agreed. "Methinks it is like a weasel." Sasuke then stated, much to Itachi's embarrasment. "It is backed like a weasel." "Or like a whale?" "Very like a whale." "Then I will come to my mother by and by. They fool  
me to the top of my bent. I will come by and by." "I will say so." "By and by is easily said." Sasuke said as Shikamaru left. "Leave me, friends." He stated. They obliged and left him alone. "Tis now the very witching time of night,  
When churchyards yawn and hell itself breathes out  
Contagion to this world: now could I drink hot blood,  
And do such bitter business as the day  
Would quake to look on. Soft! now to my mother.  
O heart, lose not thy nature; let not ever  
The soul of Nero enter this firm bosom:  
Let me be cruel, not unnatural:  
I will speak daggers to her, but use none;  
My tongue and soul in this be hypocrites;  
How in my words soever she be shent,  
To give them seals never, my soul, consent!" The curtains then closed. The next scene is a room in the castle. Only Itachi, Kiba and Shino were there.

"I like him not, nor stands it safe with us  
To let his madness range. Therefore prepare you;  
I your commission will forthwith dispatch,  
And he to England shall along with you:  
The terms of our estate may not endure  
Hazard so dangerous as doth hourly grow  
Out of his lunacies." Itachi said panicking. "We will ourselves provide:  
Most holy and religious fear it is  
To keep those many many bodies safe  
That live and feed upon your majesty." Shino replied. "The single and peculiar life is bound,  
With all the strength and armour of the mind,  
To keep itself from noyance; but much more  
That spirit upon whose weal depend and rest  
The lives of many. The cease of majesty  
Dies not alone; but, like a gulf, doth draw  
What's near it with it: it is a massy wheel,  
Fix'd on the summit of the highest mount,  
To whose huge spokes ten thousand lesser things  
Are mortised and adjoin'd; which, when it falls,  
Each small annexment, petty consequence,  
Attends the boisterous ruin. Never alone  
Did the king sigh, but with a general groan." Kiba said. "Arm you, I pray you, to this speedy voyage;  
For we will fetters put upon this fear,  
Which now goes too free-footed." Itachi told them. "We will haste us." They said before they left. Shikamaru walked in. "My lord, he's going to his mother's closet:  
Behind the arras I'll convey myself,  
To hear the process; and warrant she'll tax him home:  
And, as you said, and wisely was it said,  
'Tis meet that some more audience than a mother,  
Since nature makes them partial, should o'erhear  
The speech, of vantage. Fare you well, my liege:  
I'll call upon you ere you go to bed,  
And tell you what I know." Shikamaru informed. "Thanks, dear my lord." Itachi replied. Shikamaru bowed and left the room. "O, my offence is rank it smells to heaven;  
It hath the primal eldest curse upon't,  
A brother's murder. Pray can I not,  
Though inclination be as sharp as will:  
My stronger guilt defeats my strong intent;  
And, like a man to double business bound,  
I stand in pause where I shall first begin,  
And both neglect. What if this cursed hand  
Were thicker than itself with brother's blood,  
Is there not rain enough in the sweet heavens  
To wash it white as snow? Whereto serves mercy  
But to confront the visage of offence?  
And what's in prayer but this two-fold force,  
To be forestalled ere we come to fall,  
Or pardon'd being down? Then I'll look up;  
My fault is past. But, O, what form of prayer  
Can serve my turn? 'Forgive me my foul murder'?  
That cannot be; since I am still possess'd  
Of those effects for which I did the murder,  
My crown, mine own ambition and my queen.  
May one be pardon'd and retain the offence?  
In the corrupted currents of this world  
Offence's gilded hand may shove by justice,  
And oft 'tis seen the wicked prize itself  
Buys out the law: but 'tis not so above;  
There is no shuffling, there the action lies  
In his true nature; and we ourselves compell'd,  
Even to the teeth and forehead of our faults,  
To give in evidence. What then? what rests?  
Try what repentance can: what can it not?  
Yet what can it when one can not repent?  
O wretched state! O bosom black as death!  
O limed soul, that, struggling to be free,  
Art more engaged! Help, angels! Make assay!  
Bow, stubborn knees; and, heart with strings of steel,  
Be soft as sinews of the newborn babe!  
All may be well." Itachi said, before kneeling down to pray. Sasuke entered the stage to see him there. "Now might I do it pat, now he is praying;  
And now I'll do't. And so he goes to heaven;  
And so am I revenged. That would be scann'd:  
A villain kills my father; and for that,  
I, his sole son, do this same villain send  
To heaven.  
O, this is hire and salary, not revenge.  
He took my father grossly, full of bread;  
With all his crimes broad blown, as flush as May;  
And how his audit stands who knows save heaven?  
But in our circumstance and course of thought,  
'Tis heavy with him: and am I then revenged,  
To take him in the purging of his soul,  
When he is fit and season'd for his passage?  
No!  
Up, sword; and know thou a more horrid hent:  
When he is drunk asleep, or in his rage,  
Or in the incestuous pleasure of his bed;  
At gaming, swearing, or about some act  
That has no relish of salvation in't;  
Then trip him, that his heels may kick at heaven,  
And that his soul may be as damn'd and black  
As hell, whereto it goes. My mother stays:  
This physic but prolongs thy sickly days." Sasuke said. He scoffed and then laughed. "My words fly up, my thoughts remain below:  
Words without thoughts never to heaven go." Itachi said while rising from his kneel, when the curtains closed. The curtains opened to show Konan and Shikamaru in the Queen's closet.  
"He will come straight. Look you lay home to him:  
Tell him his pranks have been too broad to bear with,  
And that your grace hath screen'd and stood between  
Much heat and him. I'll sconce me even here.  
Pray you, be round with him." Shikamaru advised. "Mother, mother, mother!" Sasuke called from offstage. "I'll warrant you,  
Fear me not: withdraw, I hear him coming." Konan said. Shikmaru quickly hid behind a curtain that was suspiciously there. Sasuke walked onstage and pretended not to see the bump and pair of feet that were behind the curtain. "Now, mother, what's the matter?" Sasuke asked Konan. "Hamlet, thou hast thy father much offended." She scolded. "Mother, you have my father much offended." He returned with equal or greater ferocity. "Come, come, you answer with an idle tongue." Konan said, frowning. "Go, go, you question with a wicked tongue." Sasuke spat out. "Why, how now, Hamlet!" Konan said, appalled. "What's the matter now?" He asked fiercely. "Have you forgot me?" She questioned. "No, by the rood, not so:  
You are the queen, your husband's brother's wife;  
And-would it were not so!-you are my mother." He yelled, hatred burning in his eyes. "Nay, then, I'll set those to you that can speak." Konan said. "Come, come, and sit you down; you shall not budge;  
You go not till I set you up a glass  
Where you may see the inmost part of you." Sasuke said, suddenly calming down. "What wilt thou do? thou wilt not murder me?  
Help, help, ho!" Konan said, afraid for her life. "What, ho! help, help, help!" Shikamaru cried from his obvious hiding spot. "How now! a rat? Dead, for a ducat, dead!" He said, drawing his sword and piercing the curtain. "O, I am slain!" Shikamaru cried from behind the curtain, as he fell and died. "O me, what hast thou done?" Konan shrieked. "Nay, I know not:  
Is it the king?" He asked, almost too happy. "O, what a rash and bloody deed is this!" Konan cried, eyes wide. "A bloody deed! almost as bad, good mother,  
As kill a king, and marry with his brother." He yelled. "As kill a king!" She turned towards him, terrified. "Ay, lady, 'twas my word." He assured as he lifted up the curtain to fing Shikamaru with ketchup strewn across his costume, his eyes closed. "Thou wretched, rash, intruding fool, farewell!  
I took thee for thy better: take thy fortune;  
Thou find'st to be too busy is some danger.  
Leave wringing of your hands: peace! sit you down,  
And let me wring your heart; for so I shall,  
If it be made of penetrable stuff,  
If damned custom have not brass'd it so  
That it is proof and bulwark against sense." Sasuke yelled angrily. "What have I done, that thou darest wag thy tongue  
In noise so rude against me?" Konan scolded. "Such an act  
That blurs the grace and blush of modesty,  
Calls virtue hypocrite, takes off the rose  
From the fair forehead of an innocent love  
And sets a blister there, makes marriage-vows  
As false as dicers' oaths: O, such a deed  
As from the body of contraction plucks  
The very soul, and sweet religion makes  
A rhapsody of words: heaven's face doth glow:  
Yea, this solidity and compound mass,  
With tristful visage, as against the doom,  
Is thought-sick at the act." Sasuke replied. "Ay me, what act,  
That roars so loud, and thunders in the index?" Konan asked. "Look here, upon this picture, and on this,  
The counterfeit presentment of two brothers.  
See, what a grace was seated on this brow;  
Hyperion's curls; the front of Jove himself;  
An eye like Mars, to threaten and command;  
A station like the herald Mercury  
New-lighted on a heaven-kissing hill;  
A combination and a form indeed,  
Where every god did seem to set his seal,  
To give the world assurance of a man:  
This was your husband. Look you now, what follows:  
Here is your husband; like a mildew'd ear,  
Blasting his wholesome brother. Have you eyes?  
Could you on this fair mountain leave to feed,  
And batten on this moor? Ha! have you eyes?  
You cannot call it love; for at your age  
The hey-day in the blood is tame, it's humble,  
And waits upon the judgment: and what judgment  
Would step from this to this? Sense, sure, you have,  
Else could you not have motion; but sure, that sense  
Is apoplex'd; for madness would not err,  
Nor sense to ecstasy was ne'er so thrall'd  
But it reserved some quantity of choice,  
To serve in such a difference. What devil was't  
That thus hath cozen'd you at hoodman-blind?  
Eyes without feeling, feeling without sight,  
Ears without hands or eyes, smelling sans all,  
Or but a sickly part of one true sense  
Could not so mope.  
O shame! where is thy blush? Rebellious hell,  
If thou canst mutine in a matron's bones,  
To flaming youth let virtue be as wax,  
And melt in her own fire: proclaim no shame  
When the compulsive ardour gives the charge,  
Since frost itself as actively doth burn  
And reason panders will." Sasuke answered calmly. "O Hamlet, speak no more:  
Thou turn'st mine eyes into my very soul;  
And there I see such black and grained spots  
As will not leave their tinct." Konan said harshly. "Nay, but to live  
In the rank sweat of an enseamed bed,  
Stew'd in corruption, honeying and making love  
Over the nasty sty,-" Sasuke spat out, before he was cut off by Konan. "O, speak to me no more;  
These words, like daggers, enter in mine ears;  
No more, sweet Hamlet!" She pleaded. "A murderer and a villain;  
A slave that is not twentieth part the tithe  
Of your precedent lord; a vice of kings;  
A cutpurse of the empire and the rule,  
That from a shelf the precious diadem stole,  
And put it in his pocket!" He accused. "No more!" She yelled! "A king of shreds and patches,-" Sasuke's eyes widened as he saw Kisame enter. "Save me, and hover o'er me with your wings,  
You heavenly guards! What would your gracious figure?" He asked him. "Alas, he's mad!" Konan declared. "Do you not come your tardy son to chide,  
That, lapsed in time and passion, lets go by  
The important acting of your dread command? O, say!" Hamlet asked Kisame. "Do not forget: this visitation  
Is but to whet thy almost blunted purpose.  
But, look, amazement on thy mother sits:  
O, step between her and her fighting soul:  
Conceit in weakest bodies strongest works:  
Speak to her, Hamlet." Kisame answered him. "How is it with you, lady?" Sasuke reluctantly asked. "Alas, how is't with you,  
That you do bend your eye on vacancy  
And with the incorporal air do hold discourse?  
Forth at your eyes your spirits wildly peep;  
And, as the sleeping soldiers in the alarm,  
Your bedded hair, like life in excrements,  
Starts up, and stands on end. O gentle son,  
Upon the heat and flame of thy distemper  
Sprinkle cool patience. Whereon do you look?" Konan asked, confused. "On him, on him! Look you, how pale he glares!  
His form and cause conjoin'd, preaching to stones,  
Would make them capable. Do not look upon me;  
Lest with this piteous action you convert  
My stern effects: then what I have to do  
Will want true colour; tears perchance for blood." Sasuke answered. "To whom do you speak this?" Konan asked. "Do you see nothing there?" Sasuke answered with a question. "Nothing at all; yet all that is I see." Konan replied, trying to ignore the big blue man dressed as a king. "Nor did you nothing hear?" Sasuke asked. "No, nothing but ourselves." She replied "Why, look you there! look, how it steals away!  
My father, in his habit as he lived!  
Look, where he goes, even now, out at the portal!" Sasuke said, as Kisame left the stage. "This the very coinage of your brain:  
This bodiless creation ecstasy  
Is very cunning in." Konan said, her eyebrow raised. "Ecstasy!  
My pulse, as yours, doth temperately keep time,  
And makes as healthful music: it is not madness  
That I have utter'd: bring me to the test,  
And I the matter will re-word; which madness  
Would gambol from. Mother, for love of grace,  
Lay not that mattering unction to your soul,  
That not your trespass, but my madness speaks:  
It will but skin and film the ulcerous place,  
Whilst rank corruption, mining all within,  
Infects unseen. Confess yourself to heaven;  
Repent what's past; avoid what is to come;  
And do not spread the compost on the weeds,  
To make them ranker. Forgive me this my virtue;  
For in the fatness of these pursy times  
Virtue itself of vice must pardon beg,  
Yea, curb and woo for leave to do him good." Sasuke scoffed. "O Hamlet, thou hast cleft my heart in twain." She sighed. "O, throw away the worser part of it,  
And live the purer with the other half.  
Good night: but go not to mine uncle's bed;  
Assume a virtue, if you have it not.  
That monster, custom, who all sense doth eat,  
Of habits devil, is angel yet in this,  
That to the use of actions fair and good  
He likewise gives a frock or livery,  
That aptly is put on. Refrain to-night,  
And that shall lend a kind of easiness  
To the next abstinence: the next more easy;  
For use almost can change the stamp of nature,  
And either [ ] the devil, or throw him out  
With wondrous potency. Once more, good night:  
And when you are desirous to be bless'd,  
I'll blessing beg of you. For this same lord," Sasuke paused while pointing to a lightly snoring Shikamaru. As soon as he noticed, he sweatdropped. Shikmaru had fallen asleep on set! "I do repent: but heaven hath pleased it so,  
To punish me with this and this with me,  
That I must be their scourge and minister.  
I will bestow him, and will answer well  
The death I gave him. So, again, good night.  
I must be cruel, only to be kind:  
Thus bad begins and worse remains behind.  
One word more, good lady." He said, trying not to laugh/ yell at Shikamaru for falling asleep. "What shall I do?" She asked. "Not this, by no means, that I bid you do:  
Let the bloat king tempt you again to bed;  
Pinch wanton on your cheek; call you his mouse;  
And let him, for a pair of reechy kisses,  
Or paddling in your neck with his damn'd fingers,  
Make you to ravel all this matter out,  
That I essentially am not in madness,  
But mad in craft. 'Twere good you let him know;  
For who, that's but a queen, fair, sober, wise,  
Would from a paddock, from a bat, a gib,  
Such dear concernings hide? who would do so?  
No, in despite of sense and secrecy,  
Unpeg the basket on the house's top.  
Let the birds fly, and, like the famous ape,  
To try conclusions, in the basket creep,  
And break your own neck down." Sasuke replied, the urge passed. "Be thou assured, if words be made of breath,  
And breath of life, I have no life to breathe  
What thou hast said to me." Konan said. "I must to England; you know that?" He informed her. "Alack,  
I had forgot: 'tis so concluded on." Konan said in fake shock. "There's letters seal'd: and my two schoolfellows,  
Whom I will trust as I will adders fang'd,  
They bear the mandate; they must sweep my way,  
And marshal me to knavery. Let it work;  
For 'tis the sport to have the engineer  
Hoist with his own petard: and 't shall go hard  
But I will delve one yard below their mines,  
And blow them at the moon: O, 'tis most sweet,  
When in one line two crafts directly meet.  
This man shall set me packing:  
I'll lug the guts into the neighbour room.  
Mother, good night. Indeed this counsellor  
Is now most still, most secret and most grave,  
Who was in life a foolish prating knave.  
Come, sir, to draw toward an end with you.  
Good night, mother." He walked offstage while dragging a snoozing Shikamaru. The curtains closed after the last pull. (Shikamaru was pretty much deadweight.) The curtains opened to show a room in the castle. Itachi, Konan, Kiba and Shino were onstage. "There's matter in these sighs, these profound heaves:  
You must translate: 'tis fit we understand them.  
Where is your son?" Itachi asked Konan. "Bestow this place on us a little while." Konan asked Kiba and Shino, who left wondering why they even were there in the first place. "Ah, my good lord, what have I seen to-night!" She said relieved. "What, Gertrude? How does Hamlet?" Itachi asked her, feigning concern. "Mad as the sea and wind, when both contend  
Which is the mightier: in his lawless fit,  
Behind the arras hearing something stir,  
Whips out his rapier, cries, 'A rat, a rat!'  
And, in this brainish apprehension, kills  
The unseen good old man." Konan raged. "O heavy deed!  
It had been so with us, had we been there:  
His liberty is full of threats to all;  
To you yourself, to us, to every one.  
Alas, how shall this bloody deed be answer'd?  
It will be laid to us, whose providence  
Should have kept short, restrain'd and out of haunt,  
This mad young man: but so much was our love,  
We would not understand what was most fit;  
But, like the owner of a foul disease,  
To keep it from divulging, let it feed  
Even on the pith of Life. Where is he gone?" Itachi asked. "To draw apart the body he hath kill'd:  
O'er whom his very madness, like some ore  
Among a mineral of metals base,  
Shows itself pure; he weeps for what is done." Konan replied. "O Gertrude, come away!  
The sun no sooner shall the mountains touch,  
But we will ship him hence: and this vile deed  
We must, with all our majesty and skill,  
Both countenance and excuse. Ho, Guildenstern!" Itachi called them in. "Friends both, go join you with some further aid:  
Hamlet in madness hath Polonius slain,  
And from his mother's closet hath he dragg'd him:  
Go seek him out; speak fair, and bring the body  
Into the chapel. I pray you, haste in this." He bid them farewell and they left, feeling very pointless. "Come, Gertrude, we'll call up our wisest friends;  
And let them know, both what we mean to do,  
And what's untimely done. O, come away!  
My soul is full of discord and dismay." Itachi said shaking his head. The curtains closed. The curtains reopened to show another room in the castle. Sasuke walked onstage as confident as ever. "Safely stowed." He said to himself. "Hamlet! Lord Hamlet!" Kiba and Shino called from backstage. "What noise? who calls on Hamlet?  
O, here they come." Sasuke said, cuing their entry. "What have you done, my lord, with the dead body?" Kiba asked quietly. "Compounded it with dust, whereto 'tis kin." Sasuke replied triumphantly. "Tell us where 'tis, that we may take it thence  
And bear it to the chapel." Kiba said. "Do not believe it." Sasuke replied. "Believe what?" Kiba asked him. "That I can keep your counsel and not mine own.  
Besides, to be demanded of a sponge! what  
replication should be made by the son of a king?" Sasuke half demanded, half asked. "Take you me for a sponge, my lord?" Kiba asked, offended. "Ay, sir, that soaks up the king's countenance, his  
rewards, his authorities. But such officers do the  
king best service in the end: he keeps them, like  
an ape, in the corner of his jaw; first mouthed, to  
be last swallowed: when he needs what you have  
gleaned, it is but squeezing you, and, sponge, you  
shall be dry again." Sasuke replied. "I understand you not, my lord." Kiba answered. "I am glad of it: a knavish speech sleeps in a  
foolish ear." Sasuke replied. "My lord, you must tell us where the body is, and go  
with us to the king." Kiba said worried. "The body is with the king, but the king is not with  
the body. The king is a thing-" Sasuke said cryptically. "A thing, my lord!" Shino said upset. "Of nothing: bring me to him. Hide fox, and all after." Sasuke said. The curtains closed. The curtains opened in another room in the castle. Itachi was there with some nameless unimportant people as attendants."I have sent to seek him, and to find the body.  
How dangerous is it that this man goes loose!  
Yet must not we put the strong law on him:  
He's loved of the distracted multitude,  
Who like not in their judgment, but their eyes;  
And where tis so, the offender's scourge is weigh'd,  
But never the offence. To bear all smooth and even,  
This sudden sending him away must seem  
Deliberate pause: diseases desperate grown  
By desperate appliance are relieved,  
Or not at all." Itachi said to no one in particular. "How now! what hath befall'n?" Itachi asked Kiba, who had just entered. "Where the dead body is bestow'd, my lord,  
We cannot get from him." Kiba said, shaking his head. "But where is he?" Itachi demanded. "Without, my lord; guarded, to know your pleasure." Kiba answered. "Bring him before us." Itachi ordered. "Ho, Guildenstern! bring in my lord." Kiba shouted. Shino obliged by walking in with Sasuke. "Now, Hamlet, where's Polonius?" Itachi asked. "At supper." Sasuke bluntly replied. Even though he knew that Shikamaru was taking a nap beside the sound system. He had dragged him there after all. "At supper! Where?" Itachi asked. "Not where he eats, but where he is eaten: a certain  
convocation of politic worms are e'en at him. Your  
worm is your only emperor for diet: we fat all  
creatures else to fat us, and we fat ourselves for  
maggots: your fat king and your lean beggar is but  
variable service, two dishes, but to one table:  
that's the end." Sasuke deadpanned. "Alas, alas!" Itachi said, confused. "A man may fish with the worm that hath eat of a  
king, and cat of the fish that hath fed of that worm." Sasuke said expressionlessly. "What dost you mean by this?" Itachi raged. "Nothing but to show you how a king may go a  
progress through the guts of a beggar." Sasuke pointed out as if it was obvious. Itachi regained his composure. "Where is Polonius?" "In heaven; send hither to see: if your messenger  
find him not there, seek him i' the other place  
yourself. But indeed, if you find him not within  
this month, you shall nose him as you go up the  
stairs into the lobby." Sasuke replied. "Go seek him there." Itachi said to these nameless unimportant attendants. "He will stay till ye come." Sasuke added on to what Itachi had said. The attendants then left. "Hamlet, this deed, for thine especial safety,-  
Which we do tender, as we dearly grieve  
For that which thou hast done,-must send thee hence  
With fiery quickness: therefore prepare thyself;  
The bark is ready, and the wind at help,  
The associates tend, and every thing is bent  
For England." Itachi told Sasuke. "For England!" Sasuke said surprised. "Ay, Hamlet." "Good." "So is it, if thou knew'st our purposes." "I see a cherub that sees them. But, come; for  
England! Farewell, dear mother." "Thy loving father, Hamlet." "My mother: father and mother is man and wife; man  
and wife is one flesh; and so, my mother. Come, for England!" At saying that, Sasuke left. "Follow him at foot; tempt him with speed aboard;  
Delay it not; I'll have him hence to-night:  
Away! for every thing is seal'd and done  
That else leans on the affair: pray you, make haste." Itachi snarled to Kiba and Shino, who promptly left. "And, England, if my love thou hold'st at aught-  
As my great power thereof may give thee sense,  
Since yet thy cicatrice looks raw and red  
After the Danish sword, and thy free awe  
Pays homage to us-thou mayst not coldly set  
Our sovereign process; which imports at full,  
By letters congruing to that effect,  
The present death of Hamlet. Do it, England;  
For like the hectic in my blood he rages,  
And thou must cure me: till I know 'tis done,  
Howe'er my haps, my joys were ne'er begun." Itachi said, grinning. The curtains closed. The next scene was a plain in Denmark. Tobi, along with Kankuro and some other people dressed as soldiers were marching around the stage.

"Go, captain, from Tobi... um, no, Tobi means ME greet the Danish king;  
Tell him that, by his licence, Tobi, no, Fortinbras  
Craves the conveyance of a promised march  
Over his kingdom. You know the rendezvous.  
If that his majesty would aught with Tobi's group!... um, us,  
We shall express our duty in his eye;  
And let him know so." Tobi said embarrassed "I will do't, my lord." Kankuro said, sweatdropping. "Tobi demands you to go softly on! Um, Tobi means... Ummmm, no, uh.." And the curtains closed on him. The curtains opened again, showing Sasuke, Kiba and Shino along with some others. "Good sir, whose powers are these?" Sasuke asked irritatedly. "They are of Norway, sir." Mr. Extra (played by Orochimaru) said. "How purposed, sir, I pray you?" Sasuke said, trying not to look him in the eye. "Against some part of Poland." He replied with a predatory look in his eyes. "Who commands them, sir?" Sasuke asked, trying not to look like he was staring at his feet, which he was. "The nephews to old Norway, Fortinbras." Orochimaru replied. "Goes it against the main of Poland, sir,  
Or for some frontier?" Sasuke asked. "Truly to speak, and with no addition,  
We go to gain a little patch of ground  
That hath in it no profit but the name.  
To pay five ducats, five, I would not farm it;  
Nor will it yield to Norway or the Pole  
A ranker rate, should it be sold in fee." Orochimaru said. "Why, then the Polack never will defend it." Sasuke pointed out. "Yes, it is already garrison'd." Orochimaru replied. "Two thousand souls and twenty thousand ducats  
Will not debate the question of this straw:  
This is the imposthume of much wealth and peace,  
That inward breaks, and shows no cause without  
Why the man dies. I humbly thank you, sir." Sasuke said. "God be wi' you, sir." Orochimaru said before exiting. When he got offstage, Tsunade walked up to him  
"What were you doing onstage?"  
He smiled. "Kankuro had to go to the bathroom, so I filled in for him." "Wilt please you go, my lord?" Kiba asked. "I'll be with you straight go a little before." Sasuke replied. Every one else left the stage. "How all occasions do inform against me,  
And spur my dull revenge! What is a man,  
If his chief good and market of his time  
Be but to sleep and feed? a beast, no more.  
Sure, he that made us with such large discourse,  
Looking before and after, gave us not  
That capability and god-like reason  
To fust in us unused. Now, whether it be  
Bestial oblivion, or some craven scruple  
Of thinking too precisely on the event,  
A thought which, quarter'd, hath but one part wisdom  
And ever three parts coward, I do not know  
Why yet I live to say 'This thing's to do;'  
Sith I have cause and will and strength and means  
To do't. Examples gross as earth exhort me:  
Witness this army of such mass and charge  
Led by a delicate and tender prince,  
Whose spirit with divine ambition puff'd  
Makes mouths at the invisible event,  
Exposing what is mortal and unsure  
To all that fortune, death and danger dare,  
Even for an egg-shell. Rightly to be great  
Is not to stir without great argument,  
But greatly to find quarrel in a straw  
When honour's at the stake. How stand I then,  
That have a father kill'd, a mother stain'd,  
Excitements of my reason and my blood,  
And let all sleep? while, to my shame, I see  
The imminent death of twenty thousand men,  
That, for a fantasy and trick of fame,  
Go to their graves like beds, fight for a plot  
Whereon the numbers cannot try the cause,  
Which is not tomb enough and continent  
To hide the slain? O, from this time forth,  
My thoughts be bloody, or be nothing worth!" Sasuke declared loudly. He held his arms up just as the curtains closed. They opened to show Elsinore, a room in the castle. Onstage were Konan, Sakura and a 'gentleman', played by Kakashi."I will not speak with her." Konan said rather loudly. "She is importunate, indeed distract:  
Her mood will needs be pitied." Kakashi said. Sadly, he still had his mask on, so the eternal mystery of what his face looks like remains unsolved. He was also fingering his book, which made a poor extra scream softly and run away as soon as they saw the title. "What would she have?" Konan asked. "She speaks much of her father; says she hears  
There's tricks i' the world; and hems, and beats her heart;  
Spurns enviously at straws; speaks things in doubt,  
That carry but half sense: her speech is nothing,  
Yet the unshaped use of it doth move  
The hearers to collection; they aim at it,  
And botch the words up fit to their own thoughts;  
Which, as her winks, and nods, and gestures  
yield them,  
Indeed would make one think there might be thought,  
Though nothing sure, yet much unhappily." Kakashi said, albeit slightly muffled. "'Twere good she were spoken with; for she may strew  
Dangerous conjectures in ill-breeding minds." Sakura said. "Let her come in." Konan sighed. Sakura then left the room to go get 'her'. "To my sick soul, as sin's true nature is,  
Each toy seems prologue to some great amiss:  
So full of artless jealousy is guilt,  
It spills itself in fearing to be spilt." Konan said. Just then, Sakura returned with Karin, however, only some audience members noticed the glare 'Ophelia' was sending 'Horatio'. "Where is the beauteous majesty of Denmark?" Karin demanded. "How now, Ophelia!" Konan said, offended. "_How should I your true love know  
From another one?  
By his cockle hat and staff,  
And his sandal shoon_." Karin sang. Honestly, she probably shouldn't have. She sounds like a dying walrus. This caused the audience to shudder and wince in pain as some of their ears began to bleed. Another 15 ran away from the horrors, screams echoing through the hall. "Alas, sweet lady, what imports this song?" Konan asked. "Say you? nay, pray you, mark." Karin said, soon she began to sing again. "_He is dead and gone, lady,  
He is dead and gone;  
At his head a grass-green turf,  
At his heels a stone._" She sang again, making the audience wince. "Nay, but, Ophelia,-" Konan was cut off. "Pray you, mark." Karin said, though she sang once more. "_White his shroud as the mountain snow,-"_However, she was cut off as soon as Itachi entered. "Alas, look here, my lord." Konan said to him. "_Larded with sweet flowers  
Which bewept to the grave did go  
With true-love showers_." Karin sang once again. "How do you, pretty lady?" Itachi asked. "Well, God 'ild you! They say the owl was a baker's  
daughter. Lord, we know what we are, but know not  
what we may be. God be at your table!" Karin answered. "Conceit upon her father." Itachi remarked. "Pray you, let's have no words of this; but when they  
ask you what it means, say you this: _To-morrow is Saint Valentine's day,  
All in the morning betime,  
And I a maid at your window,  
To be your Valentine.  
Then up he rose, and donn'd his clothes,  
And dupp'd the chamber-door;  
Let in the maid, that out a maid  
Never departed more." _Karin sang. "Pretty Ophelia!" Itachi said worried. "Indeed, la, without an oath, I'll make an end on't: _By Gis and by Saint Charity,  
Alack, and fie for shame!  
Young men will do't, if they come to't;  
By cock, they are to blame.  
Quoth she, before you tumbled me,  
You promised me to wed.  
So would I ha' done, by yonder sun,  
An thou hadst not come to my bed._" Karin said/sang again. "How long hath she been thus?" Itachi asked. "I hope all will be well. We must be patient: but I  
cannot choose but weep, to think they should lay him  
i' the cold ground. My brother shall know of it:  
and so I thank you for your good counsel. Come, my  
coach! Good night, ladies; good night, sweet ladies;  
good night, good night." With those words, Karin left. "Follow her close; give her good watch,  
I pray you." Itachi ordered Sakura, who also left. "O, this is the poison of deep grief; it springs  
All from her father's death. O Gertrude, Gertrude,  
When sorrows come, they come not single spies  
But in battalions. First, her father slain:  
Next, your son gone; and he most violent author  
Of his own just remove: the people muddied,  
Thick and unwholesome in their thoughts and whispers,  
For good Polonius' death; and we have done but greenly,  
In hugger-mugger to inter him: poor Ophelia  
Divided from herself and her fair judgment,  
Without the which we are pictures, or mere beasts:  
Last, and as much containing as all these,  
Her brother is in secret come from France;  
Feeds on his wonder, keeps himself in clouds,  
And wants not buzzers to infect his ear  
With pestilent speeches of his father's death;  
Wherein necessity, of matter beggar'd,  
Will nothing stick our person to arraign  
In ear and ear. O my dear Gertrude, this,  
Like to a murdering-piece, in many places  
Gives me superfluous death." Itachi said. There was s sound from backstage. "Alack, what noise is this?" Konan said alarmed. "Where are my Switzers? Let them guard the door." Itachi commanded. Just then another gentleman, Asuma-sensei, walked on. "What is the matter?" Itachi asked him. "Save yourself, my lord:  
The ocean, overpeering of his list,  
Eats not the flats with more impetuous haste  
Than young Laertes, in a riotous head,  
O'erbears your officers. The rabble call him lord;  
And, as the world were now but to begin,  
Antiquity forgot, custom not known,  
The ratifiers and props of every word,  
They cry 'Choose we: Laertes shall be king:'  
Caps, hands, and tongues, applaud it to the clouds:  
'Laertes shall be king, Laertes king!'" Asuma informed, though he was slightly embarrassed to be reporting to a student. "How cheerfully on the false trail they cry!  
O, this is counter, you false Danish dogs!" Konan said. "The doors are broke." Itachi stated the obvious as a loud crashing sound came. Soon, Pein followed by a mass of people entered. Pein was armed to the teeth. "Where is this king? Sirs, stand you all without." Pein hissed. "No, let's come in." Spoke the mass. "I pray you, give me leave." Pein said, calmer this time. "We will, we will." The mass answered. They then left. "I thank you: keep the door. O thou vile king,  
Give me my father!" Pein demanded. "Calmly, good Laertes." Konan advised. "That drop of blood that's calm proclaims me bastard,  
Cries cuckold to my father, brands the harlot  
Even here, between the chaste unsmirched brow  
Of my true mother." Pein seethed. "What is the cause, Laertes,  
That thy rebellion looks so giant-like?  
Let him go, Gertrude; do not fear our person:  
There's such divinity doth hedge a king,  
That treason can but peep to what it would,  
Acts little of his will. Tell me, Laertes,  
Why thou art thus incensed. Let him go, Gertrude.  
Speak, man." Itachi spoke carefully and calmly. "Where is my father?" Pein demanded again. "Dead." Itachi simply said. "But not by him." Konan pointed out. "Let him demand his fill." Itachi said.

"How came he dead? I'll not be juggled with:  
To hell, allegiance! vows, to the blackest devil!  
Conscience and grace, to the profoundest pit!  
I dare damnation. To this point I stand,  
That both the worlds I give to negligence,  
Let come what comes; only I'll be revenged  
Most thoroughly for my father." Pein growled.

"Who shall stay you?" Itachi asked. "My will, not all the world:  
And for my means, I'll husband them so well,  
They shall go far with little." Pein answered. "Good Laertes,  
If you desire to know the certainty  
Of your dear father's death, is't writ in your revenge,  
That, swoopstake, you will draw both friend and foe,  
Winner and loser?" Itachi asked. "None but his enemies." Pein answered. "Will you know them then?" Itachi asked. "To his good friends thus wide I'll ope my arms;  
And like the kind life-rendering pelican,  
Repast them with my blood." Pein answered. "Why, now you speak  
Like a good child and a true gentleman.  
That I am guiltless of your father's death,  
And am most sensible in grief for it,  
It shall as level to your judgment pierce  
As day does to your eye." Itachi said. "Let her come in." The mass yelled from backstage. "How now! what noise is that?" Pein asked, very confused. Karin then entered. "O heat, dry up my brains! tears seven times salt,  
Burn out the sense and virtue of mine eye!  
By heaven, thy madness shall be paid by weight,  
Till our scale turn the beam. O rose of May!  
Dear maid, kind sister, sweet Ophelia!  
O heavens! is't possible, a young maid's wits  
Should be as moral as an old man's life?  
Nature is fine in love, and where 'tis fine,  
It sends some precious instance of itself  
After the thing it loves." He declared. "_They bore him barefaced on the bier;  
Hey non nonny, nonny, hey nonny;  
And in his grave rain'd many a tear:-  
Fare you well, my dove!_" Karin sang. "Hadst thou thy wits, and didst persuade revenge,  
It could not move thus." Pein said. "_You must sing a-down a-down,  
An you call him a-down-a.  
O, how the wheel becomes it! It is the false  
steward, that stole his master's daughter._" Karin continued to sing. "This nothing's more than matter." Pein said. "There's rosemary, that's for remembrance; pray,  
love, remember: and there is pansies. that's for thoughts." Karin said. "A document in madness, thoughts and remembrance fitted." Pein said back. "There's fennel for you, and columbines: there's rue  
for you; and here's some for me: we may call it  
herb-grace o' Sundays: O you must wear your rue with  
a difference. There's a daisy: I would give you  
some violets, but they withered all when my father  
died: they say he made a good end,-  
_For bonny sweet Robin is all my joy._" Karin said. "Thought and affliction, passion, hell itself,  
She turns to favour and to prettiness." Pein commented. "_And will he not come again?  
And will he not come again?  
No, no, he is dead:  
Go to thy death-bed:  
He never will come again.  
His beard was as white as snow,  
All flaxen was his poll:  
He is gone, he is gone,  
And we cast away moan:  
God ha' mercy on his soul!  
And of all Christian souls, I pray God. God be wi' ye._" Karin sang again as she left. "Do you see this, O God?" Pein cried out in alarm. "Laertes, I must commune with your grief,  
Or you deny me right. Go but apart,  
Make choice of whom your wisest friends you will.  
And they shall hear and judge 'twixt you and me:  
If by direct or by collateral hand  
They find us touch'd, we will our kingdom give,  
Our crown, our life, and all that we can ours,  
To you in satisfaction; but if not,  
Be you content to lend your patience to us,  
And we shall jointly labour with your soul  
To give it due content." Itachi told him. "Let this be so;  
His means of death, his obscure funeral-  
No trophy, sword, nor hatchment o'er his bones,  
No noble rite nor formal ostentation-  
Cry to be heard, as 'twere from heaven to earth,  
That I must call't in question." Pein said. "So you shall;  
And where the offence is let the great axe fall.  
I pray you, go with me." Itachi said as they both left. The curtains opened to another room in the castle. Sakura was there with a random servant, aka Inuzuka Hana, Kiba's older sister.

"What are they that would speak with me?" Sakura asked. "Sailors, sir: they say they have letters for you." Hana informed her. "Let them come in." Sakura said. Hana left the stage. "I do not know from what part of the world  
I should be greeted, if not from Lord Hamlet." Sakura declared. The sailors (aka Kabuto and Sai) entered. "God bless you, sir." Kabuto tried to conceal his sneer. "Let him bless thee too." Sakura just ignored him. "He shall, sir, an't please him. There's a letter for  
you, sir; it comes from the ambassador that was  
bound for England; if your name be Horatio, as I am  
let to know it is." Kabuto said. Sakura read her letter out loud."'Horatio, when thou shalt have overlooked  
this, give these fellows some means to the king:  
they have letters for him. Ere we were two days old  
at sea, a pirate of very warlike appointment gave us  
chase. Finding ourselves too slow of sail, we put on  
a compelled valour, and in the grapple I boarded  
them: on the instant they got clear of our ship; so  
I alone became their prisoner. They have dealt with  
me like thieves of mercy: but they knew what they  
did; I am to do a good turn for them. Let the king  
have the letters I have sent; and repair thou to me  
with as much speed as thou wouldst fly death. I  
have words to speak in thine ear will make thee  
dumb; yet are they much too light for the bore of  
the matter. These good fellows will bring thee  
where I am. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern hold their  
course for England: of them I have much to tell  
thee. Farewell.  
'He that thou knowest thine, HAMLET.'  
Come, I will make you way for these your letters;  
And do't the speedier, that you may direct me  
To him from whom you brought them." She looked up as the curtains closed. The next scene was with Itachi and Pein in another room in the castle.  
"Now must your conscience my acquaintance seal,  
And you must put me in your heart for friend,  
Sith you have heard, and with a knowing ear,  
That he which hath your noble father slain  
Pursued my life." Itachi said. "It well appears: but tell me  
Why you proceeded not against these feats,  
So crimeful and so capital in nature,  
As by your safety, wisdom, all things else,  
You mainly were stirr'd up." Pein replied. "O, for two special reasons;  
Which may to you, perhaps, seem much unsinew'd,  
But yet to me they are strong. The queen his mother  
Lives almost by his looks; and for myself-  
My virtue or my plague, be it either which-  
She's so conjunctive to my life and soul,  
That, as the star moves not but in his sphere,  
I could not but by her. The other motive,  
Why to a public count I might not go,  
Is the great love the general gender bear him;  
Who, dipping all his faults in their affection,  
Would, like the spring that turneth wood to stone,  
Convert his gyves to graces; so that my arrows,  
Too slightly timber'd for so loud a wind,  
Would have reverted to my bow again,  
And not where I had aim'd them." Itachi nodded. "And so have I a noble father lost;  
A sister driven into desperate terms,  
Whose worth, if praises may go back again,  
Stood challenger on mount of all the age  
For her perfections: but my revenge will come." Pein said, clenching his hand. "Break not your sleeps for that: you must not think  
That we are made of stuff so flat and dull  
That we can let our beard be shook with danger  
And think it pastime. You shortly shall hear more:  
I loved your father, and we love ourself;  
And that, I hope, will teach you to imagine-" Itachi paused as a messenger entered. "How now! what news?" Itachi asked. "Letters, my lord, from Hamlet:  
This to your majesty; this to the queen." Konohamaru said. "From Hamlet! who brought them?" Itachi questioned sceptically. "Sailors, my lord, they say; I saw them not:  
They were given me by Claudio; he received them  
Of him that brought them." Konohamaru answered. "Laertes, you shall hear them. Leave us." Itachi dismissed Konohamaru, who left. He then opened his letter and read. "'High and mighty, You shall know I am set naked on  
your kingdom. To-morrow shall I beg leave to see  
your kingly eyes: when I shall, first asking your  
pardon thereunto, recount the occasion of my sudden  
and more strange return. 'HAMLET.'  
What should this mean? Are all the rest come back?  
Or is it some abuse, and no such thing?" Itachi questioned. "Know you the hand?" Pein asked. "'Tis Hamlets character. 'Naked!  
And in a postscript here, he says 'alone.'  
Can you advise me?" Itachi asked. "I'm lost in it, my lord. But let him come;  
It warms the very sickness in my heart,  
That I shall live and tell him to his teeth,  
'Thus didest thou.'" Pein replied. "If it be so, Laertes-  
As how should it be so? how otherwise?-  
Will you be ruled by me?" Itachi said. "Ay, my lord;  
So you will not o'errule me to a peace." Pein answered. "To thine own peace. If he be now return'd,  
As checking at his voyage, and that he means  
No more to undertake it, I will work him  
To an exploit, now ripe in my device,  
Under the which he shall not choose but fall:  
And for his death no wind of blame shall breathe,  
But even his mother shall uncharge the practise  
And call it accident." Itachi informed. "My lord, I will be ruled;  
The rather, if you could devise it so  
That I might be the organ." Pein answered. "It falls right.  
You have been talk'd of since your travel much,  
And that in Hamlet's hearing, for a quality  
Wherein, they say, you shine: your sum of parts  
Did not together pluck such envy from him  
As did that one, and that, in my regard,  
Of the unworthiest siege." Itachi said. "What part is that, my lord?" Pein asked him. "A very riband in the cap of youth,  
Yet needful too; for youth no less becomes  
The light and careless livery that it wears  
Than settled age his sables and his weeds,  
Importing health and graveness. Two months since,  
Here was a gentleman of Normandy:-  
I've seen myself, and served against, the French,  
And they can well on horseback: but this gallant  
Had witchcraft in't; he grew unto his seat;  
And to such wondrous doing brought his horse,  
As he had been incorpsed and demi-natured  
With the brave beast: so far he topp'd my thought,  
That I, in forgery of shapes and tricks,  
Come short of what he did." Itachi said. "A Norman was't?" Pein questioned, his eyebrow raised. "A Norman." Itachi assured him. "Upon my life, Lamond." Pein guessed. "The very same." Itachi said. "I know him well: he is the brooch indeed  
And gem of all the nation." Pein said, nodding his head. "He made confession of you,  
And gave you such a masterly report  
For art and exercise in your defence  
And for your rapier most especially,  
That he cried out, 'twould be a sight indeed,  
If one could match you: the scrimers of their nation,  
He swore, had had neither motion, guard, nor eye,  
If you opposed them. Sir, this report of his  
Did Hamlet so envenom with his envy  
That he could nothing do but wish and beg  
Your sudden coming o'er, to play with him.  
Now, out of this,-" Itachi was cut off by Pein. "What out of this, my lord?" Pein asked, confused. "Laertes, was your father dear to you?  
Or are you like the painting of a sorrow,  
A face without a heart?" Itachi asked. "Why ask you this?" Pein questioned with a quizzical look on his face. "Not that I think you did not love your father;  
But that I know love is begun by time;  
And that I see, in passages of proof,  
Time qualifies the spark and fire of it.  
There lives within the very flame of love  
A kind of wick or snuff that will abate it;  
And nothing is at a like goodness still;  
For goodness, growing to a plurisy,  
Dies in his own too much: that we would do  
We should do when we would; for this 'would' changes  
And hath abatements and delays as many  
As there are tongues, are hands, are accidents;  
And then this 'should' is like a spendthrift sigh,  
That hurts by easing. But, to the quick o' the ulcer:-  
Hamlet comes back: what would you undertake,  
To show yourself your father's son in deed  
More than in words?" Itachi questioned him. "To cut his throat i' the church." Pein replied. "No place, indeed, should murder sanctuarize;  
Revenge should have no bounds. But, good Laertes,  
Will you do this, keep close within your chamber.  
Hamlet return'd shall know you are come home:  
We'll put on those shall praise your excellence  
And set a double varnish on the fame  
The Frenchman gave you, bring you in fine together  
And wager on your heads: he, being remiss,  
Most generous and free from all contriving,  
Will not peruse the foils; so that, with ease,  
Or with a little shuffling, you may choose  
A sword unbated, and in a pass of practise  
Requite him for your father." Itachi told him. "I will do't:  
And, for that purpose, I'll anoint my sword.  
I bought an unction of a mountebank,  
So mortal that, but dip a knife in it,  
Where it draws blood no cataplasm so rare,  
Collected from all simples that have virtue  
Under the moon, can save the thing from death  
That is but scratch'd withal: I'll touch my point  
With this contagion, that, if I gall him slightly,  
It may be death." Pein said, not worried in the slightest. "Let's further think of this;  
Weigh what convenience both of time and means  
May fit us to our shape: if this should fail,  
And that our drift look through our bad performance,  
'Twere better not assay'd: therefore this project  
Should have a back or second, that might hold,  
If this should blast in proof. Soft! let me see:  
We'll make a solemn wager on your cunnings: I ha't.  
When in your motion you are hot and dry-  
As make your bouts more violent to that end-  
And that he calls for drink, I'll have prepared him  
A chalice for the nonce, whereon but sipping,  
If he by chance escape your venom'd stuck,  
Our purpose may hold there." Itachi said, just as Konan walked in.  
"How now, sweet queen!" He said. "One woe doth tread upon another's heel,  
So fast they follow; your sister's drown'd, Laertes." Konan said, eerily calm. "Drown'd! O, where?" He panicked. "There is a willow grows aslant a brook,  
That shows his hoar leaves in the glassy stream;  
There with fantastic garlands did she come  
Of crow-flowers, nettles, daisies, and long purples  
That liberal shepherds give a grosser name,  
But our cold maids do dead men's fingers call them:  
There, on the pendent boughs her coronet weeds  
Clambering to hang, an envious sliver broke;  
When down her weedy trophies and herself  
Fell in the weeping brook. Her clothes spread wide;  
And, mermaid-like, awhile they bore her up:  
Which time she chanted snatches of old tunes;  
As one incapable of her own distress,  
Or like a creature native and indued  
Unto that element: but long it could not be  
Till that her garments, heavy with their drink,  
Pull'd the poor wretch from her melodious lay  
To muddy death." Konan informed him. "Alas, then, she is drown'd?" Pein said, a sad look in his eye. "Drown'd, drown'd." Konan said, regretfully. "Too much of water hast thou, poor Ophelia,  
And therefore I forbid my tears: but yet  
It is our trick; nature her custom holds,  
Let shame say what it will: when these are gone,  
The woman will be out. Adieu, my lord:  
I have a speech of fire, that fain would blaze,  
But that this folly douts it." Pein said, as he ran out of the room. "Let's follow, Gertrude:  
How much I had to do to calm his rage!  
Now fear I this will give it start again;  
Therefore let's follow." Itachi said to Konan. The curtains closed as she nodded and followed him. The curtains opened to the sight of a churchyard. Onstage were Hidan and Kakuzu with shovels. "Is she to be buried in Christian burial that  
wilfully seeks her own salvation?" Hidan asked, doing his best not to swear. "I tell thee she is: and therefore make her grave  
straight: the crowner hath sat on her, and finds it  
Christian burial." Kakuzu replied in a gravelly voice. "How can that be, unless she drowned herself in her  
own defence?" Hidan said, unimpressed. "Why, 'tis found so." Kakuzu replied. "It must be 'se offendendo;' it cannot be else. For  
here lies the point: if I drown myself wittingly,  
it argues an act: and an act hath three branches: it  
is, to act, to do, to perform: argal, she drowned  
herself wittingly." Hidan said. That little b****. Should'a f-ing drowned herself sooner, he thought. "Nay, but hear you, goodman delver,-" Kakuzu began, however he was cut off by Hidan. "Give me leave. Here lies the water; good: here  
stands the man; good; if the man go to this water,  
and drown himself, it is, will he, nill he, he  
goes,-mark you that; but if the water come to him  
and drown him, he drowns not himself: argal, he  
that is not guilty of his own death shortens not his own life." Hidan told him. "But is this law?" Kakuzu asked. "Ay, marry, is't; crowner's quest law." Hidan answered. "Will you ha' the truth on't? If this had not been  
a gentlewoman, she should have been buried out o'  
Christian burial." Kakuzu said spitefully. "Why, there thou say'st: and the more pity that  
great folk should have countenance in this world to  
drown or hang themselves, more than their even  
Christian. Come, my spade. There is no ancient  
gentleman but gardeners, ditchers, and grave-makers:  
they hold up Adam's profession." Hidan said. "Was he a gentleman?" Kakuzu asked. "He was the first that ever bore arms." Hidan said, grinning. "Why, he had none." Kakuzu protected. "What, art a heathen? How dost thou understand the  
Scripture? The Scripture says 'Adam digged:'  
could he dig without arms? I'll put another  
question to thee: if thou answerest me not to the  
purpose, confess thyself-" Hidan said slightly disgusted that he had to refer to another religion. ' Forgive me Jashin!' he thought. "Go to." Kakuzu said. "What is he that builds stronger than either the  
mason, the shipwright, or the carpenter?" Hidan asked. "The gallows-maker; for that frame outlives a  
thousand tenants." Kakuzu answered triumphantly. "I like thy wit well, in good faith: the gallows  
does well; but how does it well? it does well to  
those that do in: now thou dost ill to say the  
gallows is built stronger than the church: argal,  
the gallows may do well to thee. To't again, come." Hidan agreed. "'Who builds stronger than a mason, a shipwright, or  
a carpenter?'" Kakuzu joked. "Ay, tell me that, and unyoke." Hidan answered. "Marry, now I can tell." Kakuzu said. "To't." Hidan answered. "Mass, I cannot tell." Kakuzu said. In the background, Sakura and Sasuke were whispering, rehearsing their lines. To the audience, it looked like they were telling each other secrets. "_**So Sasuke, your lines are..." **_She reminded him of his lines. "Cudgel thy brains no more about it, for your dull  
ass will not mend his pace with beating; and, when  
you are asked this question next, say 'a  
grave-maker: 'the houses that he makes last till  
doomsday. Go, get thee to Yaughan: fetch me a  
stoup of liquor." Hidan ordered Kakuzu. Kakuzu sighed and left, intent on raiding Tsunade's office. (He actually did. It saved him money that way.) "_In youth, when I did love, did love,  
Methought it was very sweet,  
To contract, O, the time, for, ah, my behove,  
O, methought, there was nothing meet._" Hidan crooned. He was surprisingly a good singer. "Has this fellow no feeling of his business, that he  
sings at grave-making?" Sasuke questioned. "Custom hath made it in him a property of easiness." Sakura answered. "'Tis e'en so: the hand of little employment hath  
the daintier sense." Sasuke said. "_But age, with his stealing steps,  
Hath claw'd me in his clutch,  
And hath shipped me intil the land,  
As if I had never been such._" Hidan sang again. He paused for a second to throw a scull from the 'hole'. "That skull had a tongue in it, and could sing once:  
how the knave jowls it to the ground, as if it were  
Cain's jaw-bone, that did the first murder! It  
might be the pate of a politician, which this ass  
now o'er-reaches; one that would circumvent God,  
might it not?" Sasuke commented. "It might, my lord." Sakura agreed. "Or of a courtier; which could say 'Good morrow,  
sweet lord! How dost thou, good lord?' This might  
be my lord such-a-one, that praised my lord  
such-a-one's horse, when he meant to beg it; might it not?" Sasuke said. "Ay, my lord." Sakura agreed. "Why, e'en so: and now my Lady Worm's; chapless, and  
knocked about the mazzard with a sexton's spade:  
here's fine revolution, an we had the trick to  
see't. Did these bones cost no more the breeding,  
but to play at loggats with 'em? mine ache to think on't." Sasuke joked. The skull landed backstage, causing Karin to scream. "_A pick-axe, and a spade, a spade,  
For and a shrouding sheet:  
O, a pit of clay for to be made  
For such a guest is meet._" Hidan sang as he threw another scull. "There's another: why may not that be the skull of a  
lawyer? Where be his quiddities now, his quillets,  
his cases, his tenures, and his tricks? why does he  
suffer this rude knave now to knock him about the  
sconce with a dirty shovel, and will not tell him of  
his action of battery? Hum! This fellow might be  
in's time a great buyer of land, with his statutes,  
his recognizances, his fines, his double vouchers,  
his recoveries: is this the fine of his fines, and  
the recovery of his recoveries, to have his fine  
pate full of fine dirt? will his vouchers vouch him  
no more of his purchases, and double ones too, than  
the length and breadth of a pair of indentures? The  
very conveyances of his lands will hardly lie in  
this box; and must the inheritor himself have no more, ha?" Sasuke said. "Not a jot more, my lord." Sakura said. "Is not parchment made of sheepskins?" Sasuke asked. "Ay, my lord, and of calf-skins too." Sakura agreed. "They are sheep and calves which seek out assurance  
in that. I will speak to this fellow. Whose  
grave's this, sirrah?" Sasuke asked Hidan. "Mine, sir. _O, a pit of clay for to be made  
For such a guest is meet._" Hidan sang, digging himself a hole. "I think it be thine, indeed; for thou liest in't." Sasuke commented. "You lie out on't, sir, and therefore it is not  
yours: for my part, I do not lie in't, and yet it is mine." Hidan answered cryptically. "'Thou dost lie in't, to be in't and say it is thine:  
'tis for the dead, not for the quick; therefore thou liest." Sasuke said. "'Tis a quick lie, sir; 'twill away gain, from me to  
you." Hidan said. "What man dost thou dig it for?" Sasuke asked. "For no man, sir." Hidan answered. "What woman, then?" Sasuke asked. "For none, neither." Hidan said. He couldn't agree more. Karin was a beast! "Who is to be buried in't?" Sasuke asked. "One that was a woman, sir; but, rest her soul, she's dead." 'Not!' Thought Hidan as he ended his line. "How absolute the knave is! we must speak by the  
card, or equivocation will undo us. By the Lord,  
Horatio, these three years I have taken a note of  
it; the age is grown so picked that the toe of the  
peasant comes so near the heel of the courtier, he  
gaffs his kibe. How long hast thou been a  
grave-maker?" Sasuke asked, interested. "Of all the days i' the year, I came to't that day  
that our last king Hamlet overcame Fortinbras." Hidan said proudly, puffing out his chest. "How long is that since?" Sasuke asked, a smirk on his face. "Cannot you tell that? every fool can tell that: it  
was the very day that young Hamlet was born; he that  
is mad, and sent into England." Hidan said, a frown marring his features. "Ay, marry, why was he sent into England?" Sasuke asked, eager for the opinion of one who does not know who he is. "Why, because he was mad: he shall recover his wits  
there; or, if he do not, it's no great matter there." Hidan answered. "Why?" Sasuke was confused. "'Twill, a not be seen in him there; there the men  
are as mad as he." Hidan joked. (No offence to English people.) "How came he mad?" Sasuke asked. Sakura just looked on the scene with amusement. "Very strangely, they say." Hidan answered. "How strangely?" Sasuke questioned. "Faith, e'en with losing his wits." Hidan stated. "Upon what ground?" Sasuke wondered. "Why, here in Denmark: I have been sexton here, man  
and boy, thirty years." Hidan mentioned proudly. "How long will a man lie i' the earth ere he rot?" Sasuke asked on a completely different topic. "I' faith, if he be not rotten before he die-as we  
have many pocky corses now-a-days, that will scarce  
hold the laying in-he will last you some eight year  
or nine year: a tanner will last you nine year." Hidan answered. "Why he more than another?" Sasuke wondered. "Why, sir, his hide is so tanned with his trade, that  
he will keep out water a great while; and your water  
is a sore decayer of your whoreson dead body.  
Here's a skull now; this skull has lain in the earth  
three and twenty years." Hidan said. "Whose was it?" Sasuke asked. "A whoreson mad fellow's it was: whose do you think it was?" Hidan joked. "Nay, I know not." Sasuke replied. "A pestilence on him for a mad rogue! a' poured a  
flagon of Rhenish on my head once. This same skull,  
sir, was Yorick's skull, the king's jester." Hidan answered. "This?" Sasuke questioned. "E'en that." Hidan answered. "Let me see." Sasuke said as he took the skull. "Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio: a fellow  
of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy: he hath  
borne me on his back a thousand times; and now, how  
abhorred in my imagination it is! my gorge rims at  
it. Here hung those lips that I have kissed I know  
not how oft. Where be your gibes now? your  
gambols? your songs? your flashes of merriment,  
that were wont to set the table on a roar? Not one  
now, to mock your own grinning? quite chap-fallen?  
Now get you to my lady's chamber, and tell her, let  
her paint an inch thick, to this favour she must  
come; make her laugh at that. Prithee, Horatio, tell  
me one thing." Sasuke said. "What's that, my lord?" Sakura asked. "Dost thou think Alexander looked o' this fashion i'  
the earth?" Sasuke wondered. "E'en so." Sakura answered. "And smelt so? Pah!" Sasuke wheezed. He promptly put 'Yorick' down. "E'en so, my lord." Sakura said. "To what base uses we may return, Horatio! Why may  
not imagination trace the noble dust of Alexander,  
till he find it stopping a bung-hole?" Sasuke declared. "'Twere to consider too curiously, to consider so." Sakura said, sweatdropping. "No, faith, not a jot; but to follow him thither with  
modesty enough, and likelihood to lead it: as  
thus: Alexander died, Alexander was buried,  
Alexander returneth into dust; the dust is earth; of  
earth we make loam; and why of that loam, whereto he  
was converted, might they not stop a beer-barrel?  
Imperious Caesar, dead and turn'd to clay,  
Might stop a hole to keep the wind away:  
O, that that earth, which kept the world in awe,  
Should patch a wall to expel the winter flaw!  
But soft! but soft! aside: here comes the king." Sasuke's eyes widened as he said that. A priest, some others, Karin laying in an open coffin, Pein, some mourners who were following Itachi, Konan and their procession. "The queen, the courtiers: who is this they follow?  
And with such maimed rites? This doth betoken  
The corse they follow did with desperate hand  
Fordo its own life: 'twas of some estate.  
Couch we awhile, and mark." Sasuke said, while he and Sakura ran off to the corner. "What ceremony else?" Pein asked. "That is Laertes,  
A very noble youth: mark." Sasuke informed Sakura. "What ceremony else?" Pein demanded this time. "Her obsequies have been as far enlarged  
As we have warrantise: her death was doubtful;  
And, but that great command o'ersways the order,  
She should in ground unsanctified have lodged  
Till the last trumpet: for charitable prayers,  
Shards, flints and pebbles should be thrown on her;  
Yet here she is allow'd her virgin crants,  
Her maiden strewments and the bringing home  
Of bell and burial." Udon said, playing a priest with a perpetually runny nose. "Must there no more be done?" Pein asked. "No more be done:  
We should profane the service of the dead  
To sing a requiem and such rest to her  
As to peace-parted souls." Udon said, sniffing after he finished his line. "Lay her i' the earth:  
And from her fair and unpolluted flesh  
May violets spring! I tell thee, churlish priest,  
A ministering angel shall my sister be,  
When thou liest howling." Pein said, fake tears streaming down his face. Thank goodness for the eyedrops! "What, the fair Ophelia!" Sasuke exclaimed in shock, making Karin smile a little in success. "Sweets to the sweet: farewell!" Konan said sadly as she scattered flowers. "I hoped thou shouldst have been my Hamlet's wife;  
I thought thy bride-bed to have deck'd, sweet maid,  
And not have strew'd thy grave." Konan said, tears dotting her eyes. Sasuke gagged at the idea. "O, treble woe  
Fall ten times treble on that cursed head,  
Whose wicked deed thy most ingenious sense  
Deprived thee of! Hold off the earth awhile,  
Till I have caught her once more in mine arms:" Pein yelled as he leaped into her grave. He landed on her stomach, which made her cough. "Now pile your dust upon the quick and dead,  
Till of this flat a mountain you have made,  
To o'ertop old Pelion, or the skyish head  
Of blue Olympus." Pein yelled. "What is he whose grief  
Bears such an emphasis? whose phrase of sorrow  
Conjures the wandering stars, and makes them stand  
Like wonder-wounded hearers? This is I,  
Hamlet the Dane." Sasuke said as he advanced. He leaped into the grave and purposefully landed on her chest, making her gag for breath. "The devil take thy soul!" Pein yelled as he began to wrestle with Sasuke. "Thou pray'st not well.  
I prithee, take thy fingers from my throat;  
For, though I am not splenitive and rash,  
Yet have I something in me dangerous,  
Which let thy wiseness fear: hold off thy hand." Sasuke demanded. "Pluck them asunder." Itachi ordered. "Hamlet, Hamlet!" Konan shrieked. "Gentlemen,-" Everyone screamed. "Good my lord, be quiet." Sasuke said, as the attendants pull them away form the other, so they come out of the grave. "Why I will fight with him upon this theme  
Until my eyelids will no longer wag." Sasuke said. "O my son, what theme?" Konan asked. "I loved Ophelia: forty thousand brothers  
Could not, with all their quantity of love,  
Make up my sum. What wilt thou do for her?" Sasuke said, rolling his eyes and subtly gagging. "O, he is mad, Laertes." Itachi stated. "For love of God, forbear him." Konan said. "'Swounds, show me what thou'lt do:  
Woo't weep? woo't fight? woo't fast? woo't tear thyself?  
Woo't drink up eisel? eat a crocodile?  
I'll do't. Dost thou come here to whine?  
To outface me with leaping in her grave?  
Be buried quick with her, and so will I:  
And, if thou prate of mountains, let them throw  
Millions of acres on us, till our ground,  
Singeing his pate against the burning zone,  
Make Ossa like a wart! Nay, an thou'lt mouth,  
I'll rant as well as thou." Sasuke said. "This is mere madness:  
And thus awhile the fit will work on him;  
Anon, as patient as the female dove,  
When that her golden couplets are disclosed,  
His silence will sit drooping." Konan said.

"Hear you, sir;  
What is the reason that you use me thus?  
I loved you ever: but it is no matter;  
Let Hercules himself do what he may,  
The cat will mew and dog will have his day." Sasuke said as he left in a huff. "I pray you, good Horatio, wait upon him." Itachi said, nodding to Sakura, who was trying her best to stay hidden. Itachi turned to Pein. "Strengthen your patience in our last night's speech;  
We'll put the matter to the present push.  
Good Gertrude, set some watch over your son.  
This grave shall have a living monument:  
An hour of quiet shortly shall we see;  
Till then, in patience our proceeding be." The curtains closed. The next scene was in a hall in the castle. Sakura was standing there with Sasuke.  
"So much for this, sir: now shall you see the other;  
You do remember all the circumstance?" Sasuke asked her. "Remember it, my lord?" Sakura frowned. "Sir, in my heart there was a kind of fighting,  
That would not let me sleep: methought I lay  
Worse than the mutines in the bilboes. Rashly,  
And praised be rashness for it, let us know,  
Our indiscretion sometimes serves us well,  
When our deep plots do pall: and that should teach us  
There's a divinity that shapes our ends,  
Rough-hew them how we will,-" Sasuke was cut off. "That is most certain." Sakura said. "Up from my cabin,  
My sea-gown scarf'd about me, in the dark  
Groped I to find out them; had my desire.  
Finger'd their packet, and in fine withdrew  
To mine own room again; making so bold,  
My fears forgetting manners, to unseal  
Their grand commission; where I found, Horatio,-  
O royal knavery!-an exact command,  
Larded with many several sorts of reasons  
Importing Denmark's health and England's too,  
With, ho! such bugs and goblins in my life,  
That, on the supervise, no leisure bated,  
No, not to stay the grinding of the axe,  
My head should be struck off." Sasuke stated. "Is't possible?" Sakura asked. "Here's the commission: read it at more leisure.  
But wilt thou hear me how I did proceed?" Sasuke asked. "I beseech you." Sakura said, urging him to continue. "Being thus be-netted round with villanies,-  
Ere I could make a prologue to my brains,  
They had begun the play-I sat me down,  
Devised a new commission, wrote it fair:  
I once did hold it, as our statists do,  
A baseness to write fair and labour'd much  
How to forget that learning, but, sir, now  
It did me yeoman's service: wilt thou know  
The effect of what I wrote?" Sasuke said. "Ay, good my lord." Sakura said. "An earnest conjuration from the king,  
As England was his faithful tributary,  
As love between them like the palm might flourish,  
As peace should stiff her wheaten garland wear  
And stand a comma 'tween their amities,  
And many such-like 'As'es of great charge,  
That, on the view and knowing of these contents,  
Without debatement further, more or less,  
He should the bearers put to sudden death,  
Not shriving-time allow'd." Sasuke stated. "How was this seal'd?" Sakura asked. "Why, even in that was heaven ordinant.  
I had my father's signet in my purse,  
Which was the model of that Danish seal;  
Folded the writ up in form of the other,  
Subscribed it, gave't the impression, placed it safely,  
The changeling never known. Now, the next day  
Was our sea-fight; and what to this was sequent  
Thou know'st already." Sasuke told her. "So Guildenstern and Rosencrantz go to't." Sakura said regretfully. "Why, man, they did make love to this employment;  
They are not near my conscience; their defeat  
Does by their own insinuation grow:  
'Tis dangerous when the baser nature comes  
Between the pass and fell incensed points  
Of mighty opposites." Sasuke declared. "Why, what a king is this!" Sakura said. "Does it not, think'st thee, stand me now upon-  
He that hath kill'd my king and whored my mother,  
Popp'd in between the election and my hopes,  
Thrown out his angle for my proper life,  
And with such cozenage-is't not perfect conscience,  
To quit him with this arm? and is't not to be damn'd,  
To let this canker of our nature come  
In further evil?" Sasuke asked. "It must be shortly known to him from England  
What is the issue of the business there." Sakura deduced. "It will be short: the interim is mine;  
And a man's life's no more than to say 'One.'  
But I am very sorry, good Horatio,  
That to Laertes I forgot myself;  
For, by the image of my cause, I see  
The portraiture of his: I'll court his favours.  
But, sure, the bravery of his grief did put me  
Into a towering passion." Sasuke said. "Peace! who comes here?" Sakura asked. Suigetsu walked in. "Your lordship is right welcome back to Denmark." Suigetsu stated. "I humbly thank you, sir. Dost know this water-fly?" Sasuke asked. "No, my good lord." Sakura answerd. "Thy state is the more gracious; for 'tis a vice to  
know him. He hath much land, and fertile: let a  
beast be lord of beasts, and his crib shall stand at  
the king's mess: 'tis a chough; but, as I say,  
spacious in the possession of dirt." Sasuke said. "Sweet lord, if your lordship were at leisure, I  
should impart a thing to you from his majesty." Suigetsu said. "I will receive it, sir, with all diligence of  
spirit. Put your bonnet to his right use; 'tis for the head." Sasuke answered. "I thank your lordship, it is very hot." Suigetsu said. "No, believe me, 'tis very cold; the wind is  
northerly." Sasuke deadpanned. "It is indifferent cold, my lord, indeed." Suigetsu readily agreed. "But yet methinks it is very sultry and hot for my  
complexion." Sasuke said, looking at his face in a mirror. "Exceedingly, my lord; it is very sultry,-as  
'twere,-I cannot tell how. But, my lord, his  
majesty bade me signify to you that he has laid a  
great wager on your head: sir, this is the matter,-" Suigetsu started. "I beseech you, remember-" Sasukem also said. He moved Suigetsu to put on his hat, "Nay, good my lord; for mine ease, in good faith.  
Sir, here is newly come to court Laertes; believe  
me, an absolute gentleman, full of most excellent  
differences, of very soft society and great showing:  
indeed, to speak feelingly of him, he is the card or  
calendar of gentry, for you shall find in him the  
continent of what part a gentleman would see." Suigetsu said. "Sir, his definement suffers no perdition in you;  
though, I know, to divide him inventorially would  
dizzy the arithmetic of memory, and yet but yaw  
neither, in respect of his quick sail. But, in the  
verity of extolment, I take him to be a soul of  
great article; and his infusion of such dearth and  
rareness, as, to make true diction of him, his  
semblable is his mirror; and who else would trace  
him, his umbrage, nothing more." Sasuke said, uninterested. "Your lordship speaks most infallibly of him." Suigetsu said, frowningly. "The concernancy, sir? why do we wrap the gentleman  
in our more rawer breath?" Sasuke asked. "Sir?" Suigetsu asked. "Is't not possible to understand in another tongue?  
You will do't, sir, really." Sakura said. "What imports the nomination of this gentleman?" Sasuke asked. "Of Laertes?" Suigetsu wondered. "His purse is empty already; all's golden words are spent." Sakura said. "Of him, sir." Sasuke confimed. "I know you are not ignorant-" Sauigetsu started. "I would you did, sir; yet, in faith, if you did,  
it would not much approve me. Well, sir?" Sasuke said. "You are not ignorant of what excellence Laertes is-" Suigetsu was cut off again. "I dare not confess that, lest I should compare with  
him in excellence; but, to know a man well, were to  
know himself." Sasuke said. "I mean, sir, for his weapon; but in the imputation  
laid on him by them, in his meed he's unfellowed." Suigetsu said. "What's his weapon?" Sasuke asked, suddenly interested. "Rapier and dagger." Suigetsu answered. "That's two of his weapons: but, well." Sasuke said. "The king, sir, hath wagered with him six Barbary  
horses: against the which he has imponed, as I take  
it, six French rapiers and poniards, with their  
assigns, as girdle, hangers, and so: three of the  
carriages, in faith, are very dear to fancy, very  
responsive to the hilts, most delicate carriages,  
and of very liberal conceit." Suigetsu said. "What call you the carriages?" Sasuke asked. "I knew you must be edified by the margent ere you had done." Sakura said. "The carriages, sir, are the hangers." Suigetsu answered. "The phrase would be more german to the matter, if we  
could carry cannon by our sides: I would it might  
be hangers till then. But, on: six Barbary horses  
against six French swords, their assigns, and three  
liberal-conceited carriages; that's the French bet  
against the Danish. Why is this 'imponed,' as you call it?" Sasuke said. "The king, sir, hath laid, that in a dozen passes  
between yourself and him, he shall not exceed you  
three hits: he hath laid on twelve for nine; and it  
would come to immediate trial, if your lordship  
would vouchsafe the answer." Suigetsu said. "How if I answer 'no'?" Sasuke said. "I mean, my lord, the opposition of your person in trial." Suigetsu answered. "Sir, I will walk here in the hall: if it please his  
majesty, 'tis the breathing time of day with me; let  
the foils be brought, the gentleman willing, and the  
king hold his purpose, I will win for him an I can;  
if not, I will gain nothing but my shame and the odd hits." Sasuke said. "Shall I re-deliver you e'en so?" Suigetsu asked. "To this effect, sir; after what flourish your nature will." Sasuke said. "I commend my duty to your lordship." Suigetsu said. "Yours, yours." Sasuke said as Suigetsu left. "He does well to commend it himself; there are no  
tongues else for's turn." Sasuke commented. "This lapwing runs away with the shell on his head." Sakura said. "He did comply with his dug, before he sucked it.  
Thus has he-and many more of the same bevy that I  
know the dressy age dotes on-only got the tune of  
the time and outward habit of encounter; a kind of  
yesty collection, which carries them through and  
through the most fond and winnowed opinions; and do  
but blow them to their trial, the bubbles are out." Sasuke said. A Lord then entered. "My lord, his majesty commended him to you by young  
Osric, who brings back to him that you attend him in  
the hall: he sends to know if your pleasure hold to  
play with Laertes, or that you will take longer time." Iruka said. "I am constant to my purpose; they follow the king's  
pleasure: if his fitness speaks, mine is ready; now  
or whensoever, provided I be so able as now." Sasuke said. "The king and queen and all are coming down." Iruka informed him. "In happy time." Sasuke said. "The queen desires you to use some gentle  
entertainment to Laertes before you fall to play." Iruka said. "She well instructs me." Sasuke said. Iruka excused himself. "You will lose this wager, my lord." Sakura said worriedly. "I do not think so: since he went into France, I  
have been in continual practise: I shall win at the  
odds. But thou wouldst not think how ill all's here  
about my heart: but it is no matter." Sasuke said. "Nay, good my lord,-" Sakura fretted. "It is but foolery; but it is such a kind of  
gain-giving, as would perhaps trouble a woman." Sasuke declared. "If your mind dislike any thing, obey it: I will  
forestall their repair hither, and say you are not  
fit." Sakura said. "Not a whit, we defy augury: there's a special  
providence in the fall of a sparrow. If it be now,  
'tis not to come; if it be not to come, it will be  
now; if it be not now, yet it will come: the  
readiness is all: since no man has aught of what he  
leaves, what is't to leave betimes?" Sasuke said. Just then, Itachi, Konan, Pein, Suigetsu, Iruka and some other lords and some attendants with foils (think fencing). "Come, Hamlet, come, and take this hand from me." Itachi commanded. Itachi then put Pein's hand in Sasuke's, making them shake hands. "Give me your pardon, sir: I've done you wrong;  
But pardon't, as you are a gentleman.  
This presence knows,  
And you must needs have heard, how I am punish'd  
With sore distraction. What I have done,  
That might your nature, honour and exception  
Roughly awake, I here proclaim was madness.  
Was't Hamlet wrong'd Laertes? Never Hamlet:  
If Hamlet from himself be ta'en away,  
And when he's not himself does wrong Laertes,  
Then Hamlet does it not, Hamlet denies it.  
Who does it, then? His madness: if't be so,  
Hamlet is of the faction that is wrong'd;  
His madness is poor Hamlet's enemy.  
Sir, in this audience,  
Let my disclaiming from a purposed evil  
Free me so far in your most generous thoughts,  
That I have shot mine arrow o'er the house,  
And hurt my brother." Sasuke said. "I am satisfied in nature,  
Whose motive, in this case, should stir me most  
To my revenge: but in my terms of honour  
I stand aloof; and will no reconcilement,  
Till by some elder masters, of known honour,  
I have a voice and precedent of peace,  
To keep my name ungored. But till that time,  
I do receive your offer'd love like love,  
And will not wrong it." Pein replied. "I embrace it freely;  
And will this brother's wager frankly play.  
Give us the foils. Come on." Sasuke urged. "Come, one for me." Pein agreed. "I'll be your foil, Laertes: in mine ignorance  
Your skill shall, like a star i' the darkest night,  
Stick fiery off indeed." Sasuke said. "You mock me, sir." Pein said. "No, by this hand." Sasuke said. "Give them the foils, young Osric. Cousin Hamlet,  
You know the wager?" Itachi said. "Very well, my lord  
Your grace hath laid the odds o' the weaker side." Sasuke said. "I do not fear it; I have seen you both:  
But since he is better'd, we have therefore odds." Itachi said. "This is too heavy, let me see another." Pein complained. "This likes me well. These foils have all a length?" Sasuke wondered. They both got into their respective stances. "Ay, my good lord." Suigetsu said. "Set me the stoops of wine upon that table.  
If Hamlet give the first or second hit,  
Or quit in answer of the third exchange,  
Let all the battlements their ordnance fire:  
The king shall drink to Hamlet's better breath;  
And in the cup an union shall he throw,  
Richer than that which four successive kings  
In Denmark's crown have worn. Give me the cups;  
And let the kettle to the trumpet speak,  
The trumpet to the cannoneer without,  
The cannons to the heavens, the heavens to earth,  
'Now the king dunks to Hamlet.' Come, begin:  
And you, the judges, bear a wary eye." Itachi said. "Come on, sir." Sasuke challenged. "Come, my lord." Pein said while smirking. They began to duel. "One." Sasuke declared. Pein disagreed. "No." "Judgment." Sasuke said. "A hit, a very palpable hit." Suigetsu said. "Well; again." Pein challenged. "Stay; give me drink. Hamlet, this pearl is thine;  
Here's to thy health." Itachi raised the cup. Trumpets sounded and a cannon was fired.

"Give him the cup." Itachi commanded. "I'll play this bout first; set it by awhile. Come." They continued their duel. "Another hit; what say you?" Sasuke smirked. "A touch, a touch, I do confess." Pein said. "Our son shall win."Itachi said confident. "He's fat, and scant of breath.  
Here, Hamlet, take my napkin, rub thy brows;  
The queen carouses to thy fortune, Hamlet." Konan said. "Good madam!" Sasuke replied. "Gertrude, do not drink." Itachi warned. "I will, my lord; I pray you, pardon me." Konan said. "It is the poison'd cup: it is too late." Itachi whispered under his breath. "I dare not drink yet, madam; by and by." Sasuke said. "Come, let me wipe thy face." Konan said gently, like a mother would. "My lord, I'll hit him now." Pein said. "I do not think't." Itachi said. "And yet 'tis almost 'gainst my conscience." Pein muttered. "Come, for the third, Laertes: you but dally;  
I pray you, pass with your best violence;  
I am afeard you make a wanton of me." Sasuke said. Pein frowned. "Say you so? come on." They continued their duel. "Nothing, neither way." Suigetsu yelled. "Have at you now!" Pein yelled as he 'stabbed' Sasuke. Sasuke grabbed Pein's weapon and 'stabbed' him back. "Part them; they are incensed." Itachi yelled. "Nay, come, again." Sasuke challenged. Konan then fell to the ground. "Look to the queen there, ho!" Suigetsu said alarmed. "They bleed on both sides. How is it, my lord?" Sakura asked, concerned. "How is't, Laertes?" Suigetsu asked. "Why, as a woodcock to mine own springe, Osric;  
I am justly kill'd with mine own treachery." Pein answered. "How does the queen?" Sasuke wondered. "She swounds to see them bleed." Itachi said. "No, no, the drink, the drink,-O my dear Hamlet,-  
The drink, the drink! I am poison'd." Konan said, eyes wide. Sh ethen rolled them back into her head and 'died'. "O villany! Ho! let the door be lock'd:  
Treachery! Seek it out." Sasuke cried. "It is here, Hamlet: Hamlet, thou art slain;  
No medicine in the world can do thee good;  
In thee there is not half an hour of life;  
The treacherous instrument is in thy hand,  
Unbated and envenom'd: the foul practise  
Hath turn'd itself on me lo, here I lie,  
Never to rise again: thy mother's poison'd:  
I can no more: the king, the king's to blame." Pein said. "The point!-envenom'd too!  
Then, venom, to thy work." Sasuke declared, as he 'stabbed' Itachi. "Treason! Treason!" Yelled everyone else except Sakura. "O, yet defend me, friends; I am but hurt." Itachi said. "Here, thou incestuous, murderous, damned Dane,  
Drink off this potion. Is thy union here?  
Follow my mother." Sasuke spat. Itachi fell to the ground, 'dead'. "He is justly served;  
It is a poison temper'd by himself.  
Exchange forgiveness with me, noble Hamlet:  
Mine and my father's death come not upon thee,  
Nor thine on me." Pein said, smiling as he also 'died'. "Heaven make thee free of it! I follow thee.  
I am dead, Horatio. Wretched queen, adieu!  
You that look pale and tremble at this chance,  
That are but mutes or audience to this act,  
Had I but time-as this fell sergeant, death,  
Is strict in his arrest-O, I could tell you-  
But let it be. Horatio, I am dead;  
Thou livest; report me and my cause aright  
To the unsatisfied." Sasuke said. "Never believe it:  
I am more an antique Roman than a Dane:  
Here's yet some liquor left." Sakura said, sad. "As thou'rt a man,  
Give me the cup: let go; by heaven, I'll have't.  
O good Horatio, what a wounded name,  
Things standing thus unknown, shall live behind me!  
If thou didst ever hold me in thy heart  
Absent thee from felicity awhile,  
And in this harsh world draw thy breath in pain,  
To tell my story." Sasuke said, smiling. They all heard the sound of marching and gunfire. "What warlike noise is this?" Sasuke asked, concerned. "Young Fortinbras, with conquest come from Poland,  
To the ambassadors of England gives  
This warlike volley." Suigetsu said, shaking his head. "O, I die, Horatio;  
The potent poison quite o'er-crows my spirit:  
I cannot live to hear the news from England;  
But I do prophesy the election lights  
On Fortinbras: he has my dying voice;  
So tell him, with the occurrents, more and less,  
Which have solicited. The rest is silence." He gave her a quick hug and whispered,  
_**"Thanks for telling me my lines in the graveyard scene." **_(not in the script!) as he 'died'. "Now cracks a noble heart. Good night sweet prince:  
And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest!  
Why does the drum come hither?" Sakura cried. The marching continued. As well as the gunfire. Soon enough, some soldiers along with Tobi entered. "Where is this sight?" Tobi asked. "What is it ye would see?  
If aught of woe or wonder, cease your search." Sakura said, clearly upset. "This quarry cries on havoc. O proud death,  
What feast is toward in thine eternal cell, whatever the heck that is,  
That thou so many princes at a shot  
So bloodily hast struck? Tobi doesn't understand Shakespeare!" Sakura glared at him and bonked him on the head. "The sight is dismal;  
And our affairs from England come too late:  
The ears are senseless that should give us hearing,  
To tell him his commandment is fulfill'd,  
That Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are dead:  
Where should we have our thanks?"Temari said while frowning. Gaara noddded his head. "Not from his mouth,  
Had it the ability of life to thank you:  
He never gave commandment for their death.  
But since, so jump upon this bloody question,  
You from the Polack wars, and you from England,  
Are here arrived give order that these bodies  
High on a stage be placed to the view;  
And let me speak to the yet unknowing world  
How these things came about: so shall you hear  
Of carnal, bloody, and unnatural acts,  
Of accidental judgments, casual slaughters,  
Of deaths put on by cunning and forced cause,  
And, in this upshot, purposes mistook  
Fall'n on the inventors' reads: all this can I  
Truly deliver." Sakura said. "Let us haste to hear it,  
And call the noblest to the audience.  
For Tobi! Uh, Fortinbras, with sorrow To-.. Fortinbras embrace Fortinbras' fortune:  
Tobi... Fortinbras have some rights of memory in this kingdom,  
Which now to claim t-Fortinbras vantage doth invite Tobi." "Of that I shall have also cause to speak,  
And from his mouth whose voice will draw on more;  
But let this same be presently perform'd,  
Even while men's minds are wild; lest more mischance  
On plots and errors, happen." Sakura said. "Let four captains  
Bear Hamlet, like a soldier, to the stage;  
For he was likely, had he been put on,  
To have proved most royally: and, for his passage,  
The soldiers' music and the rites of war  
Speak loudly for him.  
Take up the bodies: such a sight as this  
Becomes the field, but here shows much amiss.  
Go, bid the soldiers shoot." Tobi yelled. He turned to the audience and waved. "HI MOM! HI AUNTIE!" before running offstage. In the audience, a lady with a bigger orange mask and Sasuke's mother waved back. Sasuke who was still laying on the stage, sweatdropped. 'Why are we even related?'. Some more cannon noises were shot off and they carried off the bodies. Sakura, being a loyal friend to Hamlet, carried Sasuke offstage in a piggyback, much to the amusement of the audience.  
_**"No problem. I had everyone's lines memorized." **_she whispered back. He smiled. The curtains closed and the audience erupted into applause.

**And there you have it! The longest chapter of our story! Though probably not the weirdest. no. Definitely not the weirdest. Well, we hope you enjoyed this! Let us know what you think! Your comments and messages are always welcome!**


	6. Chapter 6

_**Alright. You know what we learned? Shakespeare is now following us. We went out for shopping and stuffs, and at least half of the places we saw, all had something to do with Shakespeare. **____**Its haunting us!**__** Alright. Kelpie is now looking at me weird. I just told her my theory. She think im crazy. She will believe me. Even if i have to force her to! **_

_**Disclaimer: ahh! You know what we have to say. Naruto: we do not own it. Only the horrible cooking. You will understand that soon enough my followers. Very soon! And now im getting weird looks from my dear friend again. Awe! Shes so mean!**_

_Re-cap: the curtains closed and the audience erupted into applause.(End of re-cap)_

Everyone was now back stage.

Tobi ran over to Sakura yelling "Cherry- chan! The play went awesomely! Doesn't Cherry-chan think so? Tobi thinks so!" Tobi was now jumping up and down, extremely hyper.

"Yes Lollipop! Everyone did a really good job!" Exclaimed Sakura.

By then, everyone was yelling at one another. After about 10 more minutes of straight out chaos, Kurenai called them out for a curtain call.

"And now, a huge round of applause for our actors and actresses!" Kurenai yelled into the mic for some reason.

The entire cast filed out onto the stage and linked hands and arms. Then they (almost) simultaneously bowed to the audience.

After all of the chaos was over, Sakura finally managed to find her parents, and they headed home for the night.

'Phew! Thank god its Friday! I get to sleep in tomorrow!' She thought.

'**Yup! I'm completely worn out after all of that acting!**' Her inner responded.

'WHAT!? I WAS THE ONE WHO WAS DOING ALL OF THE ACTING! NOT YOU!' Sakura raged at inner.

'**Oh yeah! That's right! You tied me up, duck taped my mouth shut, then stuck me in the corner! Facing the wall no less!**' Her inner raged back.

'I only did that so YOU wouldn't distract me during the play!' Sakura retorted smartly.

"KURA!" Her parents both yelled.

"Huh?" Sakura was dumbfounded.

"We were saying how awesome the play was! You were spacing out again. Are you sure you don't still need those counselling sessions with Dr. Nogood?" Sakura shuddered at the mention of her old counsellor.

She had had to go see her due to Sakura's apparent insanity. You see, Sakura has been insane since she was born. Even though it wasn't all that obvious until she learned to walk and form proper sentences. The cause of her insanity was inner. Inner has been with Sakura her whole life. However, the doctors and nurses all thought her insanity was due to a miscarriage on her mothers part. But even though Sakura was labelled insane, she is also extremely smart. Smart enough, she is considered a genius. She is even smarter than Shikamaru. Much to his (later) dismay.

Sakura smiled. "No! That's okay! I do t need anymore counselling! Really!" She quickly said. Her parents giving her a look that clearly said 'we don't believe you'.

Sakura sighed. "I'm just tired. I don't pay attention when I'm tired. There fore I DON'T NEED ANY MORE COUNSELING!" Sakura explained.

Mean while, Sasuke and Itachi were walking behind Sakura and her parents staring dumbfounded at the scene in front of them.

They were both thinking the same thing. 'That family... Is insane. Its impossible for them to get more insane.'

Just then, their thoughts were proven wrong.

"Oh! Shiny car! Lets walk in front of it! I bet its cool to get hit by a car!" Her mom exclaimed, rather loudly.

Her dad nodded eagerly. "Must be! There are always car crashes and people getting hit by cars all the time!" Her dad responded.

Just as they were about to make a run for it in the direction of the car, Sakura used her awesome strength and grabbed her parents by their wrists.

"Mom! Dad! Are you crazy?" Sakura yelled. "You guys will be killed if you get hit by the damned car!"

"Oh! I'm sorry honey! Did you want to come with us?" Her mom asked. Sincerity lacing her voice.

Sakura was dumb founded. "Oh course not! And you guys missed your chance! The car just passed." Sakura then calmed down. A lot. "But thank you for offering that I run to my certain doom with you." She stated. A wide smile on her face.

The Uchiha's sweat dropped. 'What... Just... Happened...' All 4 of them thought.

Sasuke felt something foreign stir inside of him. Was it... Concern? Was he concerned for the pink haired girl? What was WRONG with him? He started to mentally freak out. Itachi, however, had a neutral expression on his face. His thoughts were hidden behind his in-emotional facade. However, inside he was freaked out as well.

'Huh. Maybe shes been insane since she was born? It would make sense since she seems used to all of this. But I would need to know of her past to be sure. Maybe I could... No. Shed never agree to that. GAH! THIS ISNT GOING TO WORK!' Itachi was mentally freaking out.

Their parents, however, voiced their thoughts rather bluntly.

"Is she ok?" Asked Mikoto, Itachi and Sasuke's mother, concern lacing her voice. The 2 boys just shrugged, unsure of how to answer. Suddenly, their fathers voice rang out.

"Boys! Never socialize with that girl. She isn't good enough. And her current mental status is also questionable." Fugaku stated rather bluntly.

Shortly after the little scene, Sakura and her parents arrived at their home, where Sakura immediately ran up the her room. Claiming she was too tired to do anything.

When she was in her room, she discovered someone had texted her. The message was from Sasuke.

'_Are yourparents always like that?'_ The message read.

Sakura replied. 'Always like what?'

She was confused. 'What is he talking about?' She wondered.

'**Maybe he saw what happened between your parents and them wanting to get hit by the car?**' Her inner suggested.

Before Sakura could respond, Sasuke replied. '_Are they always as insane as when they were trying to get themselves killed by that car?_'

'Is he serious? Did he really see that? I was hoping no one had seen that!' Sakura freaked. 'Umm... Maybe? Why do you want to know?' She questioned. It wasn't like him to take an interest in her life. At least not that she knew of.

'_I was wondering because if they are, that would be awesome! They seem like more fun than my parents. My dad is always so strict. And my mom... Well... Shes her._' Was what he said.

Sakura couldn't think of anything to say. So she just sent him a smiley face and put her phone down.

'That was... How should I put this...' She thought.

'**Uncharacteristic?**' Her inner suggested.

'Yup! That's the perfect way to describe this.' Sakura was shocked by the Uchiha's sudden interest in conversation. Sakura fell asleep that night, with thoughts of the play and Sasuke's conversation.

The next day, the weirdest statement woke up Sakura.

"SAKURA! LUNCH! I HOPE YOU LIKE SLUGS ON BREAD!" Her mother yelled.

Sakura groaned. She most certainly DID NOT like slugs on ANYTHING! Also, she just processed what her mother had said. 'Lunch? Did I seriously sleep in that long?' she thought. Still, she got up and walked down stairs, still in her pj's. as she passed the living room, she saw Itachi and Hidan sitting on the couch. Watching her.

She vaguely glanced at them and said "Hey guys." She said sleepily, barely half awake as she half heartedly waved at them. She then proceeded to walk to the kitchen.

She only took about 5 steps, before realization struck her. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU GUYS DOING IN MY LIVING ROOM!?" Sakura screeched. Itachi merely stared at her.

Hidan, however, practically fell off the couch laughing. "Ha ha! You completely didn't realize we were here!" Excitement and humour evident in his voice.

Sakura just glared.

Itachi broke the silence first. "Did your mom say 'slugs on bread'?" He questioned.

"Yeah. Why?" Sakura wondered. Itachi never responded. He just made a mad dash towards the kitchen. Hidan had stopped his laughing fit. Sakura and Hidan just looked at each other, a matching look of confusion on their faces. They both telepathically decided to follow Itachi into the kitchen.

What they saw when they got there, made them just stare. When Itachi saw them, he froze. Itachi looked between Sakura and Hidan multiple times, while Hidan and Sakura both just stared at him. Unsure of how to react to seeing the ever stoic Uchiha, in such a strange way.

Itachi, in his frozen state, was holding a slug on a piece of bread near his mouth, which was open as if he was about to eat it. After another minute of their little staring contest, Itachi unceremoniously shoved the piece of bread in his mouth and then regained his composure as if that had never happened.

Her mom looked at Itachi. "Finally! Someone who appreciates my cooking!" Her mom exclaimed.

Hidan looked at Sakura. Suddenly scared for her well being. 'So THAT'S why she never brings her lunch! Her mom can't cook!' He thought.

Sakura's mom continued to talk to Itachi. "Here's the recipe dear!" She said excitedly.

On the card she gave him, was the following:

**BREAD:**

**3 cups ground bones (preferably from a dead human corpse. But fish bones work too.)**

**1 1/2 cups fermented pig fat**

**4 cups ground up worm pulp**

**SLUGS:**

**Soak slugs in a mixture of**

**1 cup human blood**

**1/2 cup vinegar**

**1/2 cup purade cheese.**

**Let the slugs soak in the mixture for 2 days. Then serve on bread.**

Itachi, upon reading this, paled.

Sakura decided she would take Hidan and Itachi out of her house. But before she left the kitchen, she handed her mom a folded up piece of paper.

"Here mom! One of my friends mothers wrote this up for you. Maybe we can have this for dinner tonight?" Sakura said in an ever hopeful voice.

She then proceeded to drag Itachi and Hidan back into the living room. As they left the kitchen, they heard Sakura's mother mumble "Salt? What kind of ingredient is that? Oh well. I can substitute it for sandstone."

All three of them sweat dropped. "Stay here. I'll be right back in 5 minutes." Sakura said before running upstairs to get dressed.

Sure enough, 5 minutes later she came back down the stairs and proceeded to drag both boys out the front door.

"Bye mom! Be back later!" She called. "Make sure your back in time for dinner! Your friends can stay for dinner as well!"

Hidan and Itachi dragged Sakura out of the house. Once the front door closed, they both looked at her. "Is it safe to stay for dinner?" They simultaneously asked.

"Of course it is. My dad might interrogate you though, since I don't usually bring boys home." Sakura replied.

Hidan then clarified. "That's not what we meant. Is it safe to actually EAT the dinner?" He questioned.

Sakura shrugged. "Maybe. I don't know. She might actually follow the recipe this time..." She trailed off. "I'm still alive though... But then again... I've eaten enough of her food by now, so I don't think it could ever kill me." Both boys sweat dropped.

"How about we just eat a lot of food before we get back or make plans to grab something after dinner." Itachi suggested.

"Sure!" Sakura sounded relieved at this.

Hidan then got an idea. "How about we introduce you to Pein?" Itachi shuddered.

"Umm... I don't really want to fight you guys... But if I have to fight one of you... It would be YOU you censored freak!" Sakura said to Hidan, taking up a defensive position. Hidan just stared at her.

"Not that kind of pain Blood Blossom. I meant Pein as in the leader of Akatsuki." He once again clarified.

Sakura left the defensive position and straightened up. "Sure! But I still wouldn't mind fighting you. Just to get even for you picking on my teddy bear." She said in a very serious way.

Hidan just smirked. "We'll see about that..." Was all he said.

Sakura then remembered something. "Hey, why were you guys at my house this morning?" She questioned.

"Konan wanted us to come and spend the day with you. You see, Itachi told her about about the little 'incident' that occurred last night. So she told us to spend the day with you to make sure you were ok and what not. You see, the bitch really likes you. You're probably her best friend." Clarified Hidan. Sakura just smiled.

"Great! So what are we gonna do?" She asked.

This time, it was Itachi who answered. "How about we go to see a movie then grab something to eat?" He suggested. Sakura decided it was gonna be a good day.

Ok. So to the movie. When they got there, Sakura immediately saw Ino and ran up to her. Ino and Sakura then picked a movie for the four of them to watch. The boys grew concerned when the two girls smiled evilly at them. Before the boys could do anything, the two girls went and got the tickets. Itachi and Hidan then proceeded to follow the girls into the theatre in which they would be watching the movie. They inwardly groaned. They would be spending the next 3 hours watching a chick flick. Yay. (Note the sarcasm)

After 3 agonizingly long hours, the movie finally ended. Much to the boys pleasure. The girls, however, looked as though they had been crying throughout the whole movie. Typical girls. (A/N: no offence to any of you!). Ino then continued to follow them around for a couple hours afterwards

"I must make sure my best friends boyfriends don't screw up their first date." Was what Ino said when they asked her why she was still following them around. With the blonde haired girl around, they couldn't go out to get food. Ino was insistent that they eat at Sakura's house for dinner. Much to their dismay.

The afternoon quickly passed, and soon it was time for Sakura, Itachi and Hidan to head back to Sakura's house for the punishment that awaited them.

You know how you can smell the food that's being made almost as soon as you get home? Well, when Sakura, Itachi and Hidan all walked to the front door, the second they opened it, they wished they hadn't. Whatever was inside smelled TERRIBLE! But it was too late to turn back now. The three of them proceeded towards the kitchen with caution and sat down. Preparing for the monstrosity that could be placed In front of them. They didn't get much time to prepare though. Almost immediately Mrs. Haruno placed their "dinner" in front of them.

"M mm... This looks amazing dear! I bet it even tastes great!" Sakura's father exclaimed. Sakura should have seen this coming. Despite how many times her mom made alienated food, her dad always loved it. It was almost as if it was his life source or something.

Sakura then took a good look at what had been placed in front of her. On her plate was a grey-ish blob, that sort of resembled lasagna. It had something orange oozing out of the sides though small holes, and it was BUBBLING!

"MOM! WHAT IS IN THIS!?" Sakura screeched.

Her mom replied "Oh, just the usual! Fried pigs feet, chicken brains, worm intestines, sandstone, oh! And water. The orange sauce is a mixture of human blood, and brain juice (Cerebral Spinal Fluid. Don't ask how she got it. You don't want to know.) mixed with orange food colouring. Mainly because orange is such a pretty colour!" Her mom said. Sakura gagged.

'How does she always manage to NOT follow the recipe?' Sakura asked inner.

'**Maybe she's a secret vampire. That would explain her love for human blood?**' Inner responded. Suddenly very afraid of Mrs. Haurno.

Hidan and Itachi looked at each other. Then they looked at Sakura, who was poking at her food with her fork. This is going to be a looonng night.

When Itachi arrived home, he took the piece of paper out of his pocket and was about to throw it out when...

"Itachi! Whats that?" His mother asked.

"Um mm... Nothing?" He responded. Hoping his mom would let it go. He should have known better though. His mother then took the paper from him and looked at it.

"Huh. This sounds good. I should make this for your father for-"

She was cut off. "Yeah. He'd like that." Then Itachi left.

!THE NEXT MORNING!

Itachi walked down stairs to see Shisui and Tobi sitting at the kitchen table, along with his brother Sasuke and his father. All of them were waiting for breakfast.

Upon seeing Sasuke, Itachi ran over over and hugged him. "Sasuke! Good morning! I hope you slept well! Did you little brother?" this is why Sasuke HATED mornings.

"Does Tobi get a hug from Itachi-sempai too?" asked a whimpering Tobi.

"No." was Itachi's simple answer.

"Breakfast is served!" his mother said. Itachi freaked once he saw what was placed in front of him. Slugs on bread.

"No! Sasuke! Don't eat that!" yelled Itachi.

"Why not Itachi?" asked his mother.

"I... it... I mean... I'M NOT HUNGRY!" he yelled. Before running upstairs. Shisui, however, liked it.

"Mmm! This tastes really good! What's in it Mikoto Okaa-san?"

Before she could answer, Sasuke said "I completely forgot! I promised Naruto I would have breakfast with him and Kushina today since Minato is away for the week. Hehe! GOT TO GO! BYE!" he yelled before running out of the house.

Later that day, when the 6 Uchiha's and Hidan were having a NORMAL lunch, (Hidan was there to work on a project. Itachi was helping him.) there was a knock on the door.

When Itachi opened it, he was surprised to see Sakura. "Hey Weasel-kun!" she said.

"Hello Sakura. Is something wrong? Did your parents finally lose it?" he questioned.

"Nope! But over 'lunch', my parents and I were invited over to my grandparents house for-" Sakura was cut off.

"Hey blood blossom! What are you doing here?" asked Hidan.

"I was just-" she was once again cut off.

"Do any of your friends parents make slugs on bread?" asked Itachi's father.

"Yeah. Mine do. Why?' she asked.

Fugaku smiled really big. "GREAT! Can I have some other recipes as well?" he asked.

Sakura just stared at him. "Are you sure?" she cautiously asked. Fugaku nodded. "Ok. Would you like the recipe for Lasagna, or pizza?" Sakura questioned. At the mention of lasagna, Itachi froze. Remembering the horrors of last nights dinner. He stood behind his father, trying to convince her to NOT give his father the lasagna recipe. Sakura simply shrugged. Giving him a look of pity and mouthed the words "I'm sorry!" to Itachi.

"BOTH!"his father yelled. Clearly excited for some more of the 'interesting' recipes.

"So Sakura, you were saying?" Itachi reminded.

"Oh! Right! I was wondering if you guys wanted to come over to my grandparents house for dinner to night? We're gonna be having pizza!" Sakura asked. Hoping they would say yes.

Fugaku seemed pleased. "Shisui! Tobi! Sasuke! You along with Itachi are going out with-" he paused. "Sakura. My name is Sakura." she said. "Sakura! She's going to her grandparents house!"

Hidan smiled nervously. "I-I don't think I can come. You see, I'm really tired and... um... well... yeah." he said.

Sakura pouted. "Oh. ok. I understand." she whimpered.

Hidan freaked. "Um.. yeah, know what I'll come. I have nothing else to do anyways." he said.

Sakura hugged him. "ok! Great! Meet at my house in one hour." she said excitedly.

As planned, they met at Sakura's house an hour later, and started to walk to her grandparents house.

Once they were there, Sakura turned to them. "Ok! Two of my uncles are also going to be here. Them, along with my granddad, are interrogation specialists. Only difference is my granddads retired." she explained.

"Huh? Ok. What's for dinner?" asked a very nervous Hidan.

"Pizza!" replied Sakura. She was excited to be having a NORMAL meal for once. Both Itachi and Hidan looked at her. Imagining the horrors of what the pizza could look like and how bad it could taste. All too soon, the door opened. Revealing an old man. The four Uchiha's and Hidan were slightly intimidated by him. He looked like he would still be able to do a good job interrogating someone.

"Hello Sakura!" he said, hugging his granddaughter.

"Hi!" she said.

He then noticed the five boys who were accompanying her. "Who are you?" all the humour was suddenly gone from his voice. His interrogator side taking full effect at seeing the complete strangers. "And what do you want with my granddaughter?" he asked.

The five boys were now scared out of their minds. "They're my friends!" Sakura said happily.

"Oh! Ok then! Come on in!" her granddad said, suddenly very happy.

"Uncle Idate!" she yelled, once they were in the living room.

"Hello my beautiful blossom! How have you been? Well I hope!" said Idate, in a very flirty way. Itachi and Hidan gently moved her away from from him. This didn't go unnoticed by Idate.

'Huh. It appears as though they have a little crush on my blossom!' he thought, clearly amused.

The two boys were suddenly very protective of their blossom.

"Who are you?" Idate questioned. He had realized that these boys were keeping HIS little blossom away from him.

"Uchiha Itachi." Itachi spoke calmly. Masterfully hiding his fear of the man. The only one who needed to know of his fear, was himself. Right?

Sasuke, however, showed slight fear, despite how hard he tried to hide it. "U-uchiha S-sasuke." he stuttered.

"Tobi's name is Tobi! Tobi is friends with Cherry-chan! Cherry-chan is really fun!" said Tobi. He was scared and tried to make Idate lighten up a bit.

"Aka Hidan." Hidan had to bite his tongue not to swear. 'damn bastard! He scares the shit out of me!' he thought.

Last was Shisui. "Uchiha Shisui. Its nice to meet the uncle of this beautiful blossom." he said, winking at Sakura and extending his hand out to Idate. Sakura blushed. She'd never met Shisui, yet he had already called her beautiful.

'**Plus he's HOT!**' exclaimed inner. Idate continued to fire questions at the five boys, barely giving them time to answer. Sakura sighed. She knew her other uncle would do much the same thing.

Suddenly, Idate asked a question that made Itachi and Hidan loose all the colour from their faces, and Sasuke, Shisui and Tobi were suddenly very confused.

Idate repeated the question. "What do you think of Sakura's mom's lasagna?"

Itachi was the first to answer. "Her lasagna is most certainly... original. However, I do not believe it is in my best interest to ever eat it again." he said.

Sakura then started to giggle. "Itachi, no one likes my mom's cooking other than my dad. You don't have to play it safe. Just say you don't like it. Just not to my mom. And don't worry. My grandmas cooking dinner tonight. She actually knows how to cook." Sakura was now in a full fit of laughter. Which was soon interrupted by Ibiki entering the room. The four Uchiha's and Hidan stared in shock as they saw Ibiki-sensei standing in the door way.

Ibiki scared all of the students at Konoha high. Ibiki scanned the room. Not noticing Sakura since Sasuke and Hidan were hiding her behind them. Hoping to keep her from meeting Ibiki for as long as possible. Hidan was confused though, along with the Uchihas. 'What the fuck is psycho-sensei doing here?' Hidan thought. Once his gaze landed on Hidan, they had a short staring contest.

"Hidan! You still owe me your project on the studies of human behaviours!" Ibiki was scaring them.

'Why the fuck is this bitch FUCKING LAUGHING!?' Hidan thought. He could feel Sakura laughing against his back.

"Uncle Ibiki!" Sakura yelled. Jumping out from behind Hidan and Sasuke and running over to Ibiki, arms out ready to hug him. Ibiki picked her up once her arms were securely around his neck and spinned her around once. He then began to interrogate the bunch, much like his brother had done.

When dinner was ready, Itachi and Hidan became very cautious. Thinking up excuses to not eat the food. They still weren't a 100% sure they could trust the food this family kept feeding them. Sakura just smiled though. She seemed fine with whatever was going to be served. They remembered Sakura saying pizza was for dinner. And they also remembered Sakura telling Fugaku that her mother had a recipe for pizza. They were scared that that recipe was the one that Sakura's mother uses. They shuddered at the thought.

Once they were sitting, dinner was served. And it actually looked NORMAL! And it tasted GOOD! Dinner went well. With everyone laughing, and enjoying them selves.

When dinner was over, Sasuke realized that Sakura was NOT in any way normal. He realized he liked her. She didn't treat him like everyone else did. She treated him like he was a normal person. And she didn't compare him to his brother... wait. 'WHAT AM I THINKING?! SHE PROBABLY A SECRET FANGIRL! JUST LIKE EVERY OTHER GIRL IN SCHOOL!' he thought. No way. There's no way I like her. That night, however, he fell asleep with thoughts of her still fresh in his mind.

"UGH! Math!" Sakura groaned. Math, first thing in the morning, was not something she looked forward to. Especially not first thing on a MONDAY morning. At least according to Sakura.

She walked into the class, and took her seat. Once Kakashi-sensei finally showed up and started class, 25 minutes late, he put them in groups of 3. Sakura was working with Sai and Pein.

'Pein... the name sounds familiar...' she thought.

'**You know why? Hes the guy Hidan wanted to introduce you to!**' her inner responded.

She then saw Itachi. He was watching her worriedly. Before she could say or do anything, a boy with spiky orange hair, and about 15 piercings (at least) walked up. "Haruno Sakura. You have been hanging out with the Akatsuki now for over 3 weeks-" he was cut off when another boy approached. "Ok. I got the assignment!" said Sai.

For the rest of the class, she learned a lot about the 2 boys she had been working with. For example: Pein was the leader of Akatsuki, has a crush on Konan, and doesn't do anything (if he can avoid it) with anyone outside of the Akatsuki. Sai loves art, has a crush on Sakura's best friend Ino, and usually isn't very nice to people. Especially when giving nick names to people.

Over all, the though, she got along with pretty well with the 2 of them.

The rest of the day went by normally for the pink haired girl. The only difference, is that every time she saw Lee, or Gai-sensei, she would burst into a fit of uncontrollable giggles. Because she knew of their relations. But they obviously had no clue about.

The only thing that confused her though, was her conversation with Itachi.

!FLASHBACK!

"Hey Sakura!" said Itachi.

"Hey Weasel-kun! What's up?" Sakura asked.

"I just need to talk to you." he responded. Sakura was now confused. She'd only know him for three weeks, but she knew he didn't like socializing with people.

"Umm... sure! Why not?" she agreed. She wasn't going to miss this opportunity to talk to the stoic Uchiha.

"Great! Then I must make this clear. Try not to do too much that involves Pein. If you become too close to him, it could be dangerous for you." he said in a serious tone.

Sakura was now mad. Why? He's not that bad! Besides you can't tell me what to do!" she replied, before walking away.

!END OF FLASHBACK!

It was now time for lunch. "Hey Sasuke, I meant to ask you yesterday, but what was with the sudden interest in conversation on Friday night?" Sakura asked. That caught the attention of everyone at the table.

"That wasn't me. I had told my cousin Shisui of the little 'incident' that had occurred, and then about an hour later he stole my phone. When I got it back, it was midnight and too late to text you to say that wasn't me. I meant to tell you yesterday, but that proved impossible with what was currently going on." he said. Everyone at the table was shocked by the amount the Uchiha had said.

After lunch was science. With Orochimaru. DUNDUNDUN!

******What did you think of the food? Cait123123cait has started a new story, where it has the recipes of the "meals" Sakura's mother "creates" and the reactions of 2 very unfortunate Naruto characters. So every time a recipe pops up in our story, there will be another ch. Added to the other story. Please read that too! I think you'll like it! Bye!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Hello! In this chapter, Orochimaru gets what he deserves! Haha! Loser! I'm sorry if you like Orochimaru. I mean, i know there are probably people out there who like him. Its just that we kinda sorta don't. But we hope that even if you do like oro-pedo, you will still like this chapter!**

**And before we start, i would like to thank all of you who have reviewed! **

**Koolkidswaggy**

**bloodyayame23**

**teddy-chan**

**We really apreciate it!**

**Disclaimer: Naruto: we no own. **

When Sakura walked into the science room, she was 5 minutes late.

'_I'm late!_' She freaked. '_Wait. How come no one's in the classroom? It's completely empty!_' And it was. She was now confused. Not a single person was in the room. Not even the teacher.

Just then, the door opened and in walked Sasuke, followed by, who she assumed was, the teacher, Orochimaru. He had on some weird purple eyeshadow, that encircled his eyes and went down along side his nose ending in points in the middle of his face, which was extremely pale, and long black hair.

"Sasuke-kun! Sasuke-kun! Do you want to come over to my house for dinner tonight?" Asked Orochimaru. Sasuke ignored him, and Sakura's mouth fell open as she took out her phone to video tape the scene in front of her. And just in time too.

Orochimaru had no clue she was there. Sasuke, however, saw Sakura sitting in the back of the room. He mouthed the words 'save me!' To her. Orochimaru remained unaware of the pink haired girl in the back of the room.

Sakura saw Sasuke's little plea, and winked at him, giving him a peace sign.

'_I'm screwed!_' Was went through Sasuke's mind when Sakura made no efforts to stop Orochimaru. She just continued to stare at her phone.

"Sasuke-kun! I love you! Your body is so hot! And your personality is cold and unemotional making you even hotter!" Orochimaru took 2 steps towards Sasuke.

Sakura sweat dropped. She knew she should do something. Sasuke was going to kill her if she didn't. '_I will show this to Tsunade-sama!_' She thought.

Every time Orochimaru stepped closer to Sasuke, he would say something. "Sasuke-kun! Marry me!" Orochimaru stepped closer, and Sasuke stepped back.

"If you think you're too young to get married, then we could date for a couple years first!" Orochimaru advanced. Sasuke stepped back.

"Sasuke-kun? Do you not love me? We can keep our mutual feelings a secret!" Orochimaru advanced again as he pleaded to Sasuke, who was now backed into a wall.

Just then, the rest of the class came in, and gave the 2 of them a questioning look. "I'm giving Sasuke detention. Only Sasuke. No one else. He must be alone." He stated.

All of the sudden, Sakura raised her hand. "Ano... Orochimaru-sensei! I forgot all of my things at home! And I also forgot everything you taught me!" He barely even glanced at her.

After another 5 minutes, she raised her hand again. "Ano! Orochimaru-sensei! I tore the text book in half!" She said, holding up the 2 halves of the text book. Orochimaru just looked at her.

Another 5 minutes passed. "Orochimaru- Sensei!" She said.

"WHAT DO YOU WANT?!" He yelled.

"I doodled weird pictures of you all over my test paper!" She said. They were of him with uni brows, moustaches, make up and other strange but funny things. Sasuke now knew what she was doing. She was trying to get detention so he wasn't alone.

Another 5 minutes passed. "Orochimaru- Sensei! Sasuke has been invited over to my house for dinner. And my mom gets really mad when he's late, so... Ummm... He cant really make it to detention tonight." That statement got all the fan girls glaring at her.

"NO! Sasuke-kun can not go over to a girls house! He's-" he stopped talking for a second. "If you don't stop interrupting my class, I will send you to Tsunade!" He threatened.

"I will send my uncle after you if you don't give me detention! He won't stand for this!" She threatened back.

By now, the entire class was confused as to why she would want detention with the Hebi-sensei. Itachi froze at the mention of her uncle.

Another 5 minutes passed. "Orochimaru-sensei. If you don't give me detention, I will give you my moms lasagna! I'll make sure it's 10 times worse then usual!" at the mention of the lasagna, Itachi screamed like a little girl, and ran out of the room, making the entire class watch him with interest. Just as Itachi was running out of the room, Hidan was walking past. Itachi just about knocked him over in his mad escape.

"Whoa! Itachi, what's up? You look like you've seen a ghost!" exclaimed Hidan.

Itachi looked at him, and said one word that made Hidan freeze in his tracks. "Lasagna."

Hidan and Itachi looked at each other for about 5 seconds, before running down the halls screaming. Every one who saw them, wondered what could POSSIBLY make 2 of the toughest guys in school, run screaming like that. If only they knew.

~Back to the classroom!~

Sakura continued to threaten Orochimaru, much to the amusement of the rest of the class. "And I'll bring you her pizza... and her tacos... and her cookies... and her slugs on bread... and" Sakura stopped to catch her breathe, before continuing. "and her water!" she screeched. **(A/N: these foods will NOT be posted in Sakura's mothers cook book. Not until someone eats them.)**

"Please... just give me... the damn... detention... NOW!" she demanded.

"Just go to Tsunade. Immediatly." commanded Orochimaru.

Sakura smiled. 'Plan B.' Sasuke was about to make Orochimaru give her detention, knowing the creepy teacher would do ANYTHING to keep Sasuke happy, when...

"Ok! Thank you!" Sasuke was shocked. '_Just what is she up to?_' he thought. 'O_h well. I will probably find out eventually._'

To Sakura in Tsunade's office!

"Hello Tsunade-sama! I have something to show you!" Sakura said, as she took out her phone. Tsunade was pleased to see Sakura, but also confused as to why she had been sent to her office. She understood, though, when she saw the video Sakura had taken at the beginning of her science class.

Tsunade cheered, which ultimately confused Sakura. "Finally! I can fire him! I have been looking for a reason to fire him for YEARS!" exclaimed Tsunade, who was now doing a happy dance around her office. She then told Shizune to call Sasuke down to the office.

In Oro-pedo's class!

"Hello! Orochimaru, could you please send Uchiha Sasuke down to the office?" Shizune asked.

"Why should I send my most prized student to the office?" he asked. Just then, he glanced at Sasuke's seat, just in time to see him run out of the room, as fast as humanly possible. "*_sigh*_ He's on his way..." Orochimaru responded. '_Perhaps he wants to get there really fast, so he can come back to my class sooner..._' he thought. '_Yes. That's it._' he was quite satisfied with that reasoning.

When Sasuke got to Tsunade's office, he saw Sakura giggling, and Tsunade dancing and cheering around the room. He was tempted to back out of the room, with out either of them noticing. However, before he could, Shizune (much to his dismay) said "Tsunade-sama! Sasuke is here."

Hearing that, Tsunade immediately sobered up. "Thank you Shizune." she then dismissed her and turned to Sasuke. "Now Sasuke, is it true that Orochimaru has been molesting you?" she asked.

'_So THAT'S what this is about!_' he thought. "Hn."

Sakura hugged him. "I'm so sorry that I didn't do something then. I was getting proof." she then let go.

Tsunade asked another question. "How long has he been molesting you, Sasuke?"

"Hn." Sakura gasped. "That long!?" she was in utter shock and felt the urge to hug him again, then to never let go. So she did. She wrapped her arms around Sasuke, with the intention of not letting go for a while. Oddly enough, he hugged her back. Much to the surprise of both Tsunade and Sakura.

Tsunade looked at Sakura "What does that mean?" she wondered.

Sakura's response scared Tsunade. "He says it has been going on since freshman year."

Tsunade then called Orochimaru and Anko down to her office. When they both got there, Tsunade turned to Orochimaru. "YOU'RE FIRED!" she yelled, loud enough that the couple classrooms close to her office all heard, and the students, not knowing who had been fired, all pitied the poor soul. (Of course, as soon as they found out it was the evil science teacher, well, nobody was very sorry anymore.)

Orochimaru was stunned. "What? Why?" he asked. Tsunade showed him the video. "WHAT? You were there for that?" he asked/demanded, glaring at Sakura.

Sasuke held back the giggles that were slowly pushing to come free. Sakura simply nodded. "Now do you see why I was trying to get detention?" she asked, a smirk on her face.

Tsunade turned to Anko. "Starting today, you will be taking over his class." she said. Anko merely nodded.

Orochimaru then said "Very well. But could you please call Uchiha Itachi and Aka Hidan down to the office first?" he requested.

At hearing Hidan's name, Tsunade had the 2 boys summoned to her office.

When they entered, Orochimaru asked "Why were you screaming and running down the hallways?"

Itachi and Hidan paled and looked at the other people in the room. When they saw Sakura, they both held back the urge to scream. She was standing by the phone and they both thought she was either about to call her mom to bring the lasagna, or worse yet, already had.

Orochimaru asked the question again. "Why were you screaming and running down the hallways?"

the 2 boys in question, looked at each other. Then, in unison, said the cause of their distress. "Lasagna."

Hearing that, Sakura burst out laughing. "Then I guess you might wanna leave. My mom's on her way with some." she said. Itachi and Hidan then burst out of the office, and continued their screaming rampage down the halls. "Huh? I guess they believed that. Oh well!" said Sakura. Poor Sasuke. He had no idea what was wrong with his brother. All he knew, was his brother was getting weirder by the day.

Orochimaru then left the office. Lets follow him! (Sorry readers! We pity you...)

He sneaked down the halls to a stairwell in the back of the school. "Hello, Orochimaru-sama. I hear you got fired. Do you need me to do anything?" asked a boy who was leaning against a wall in the darkest corner.

"Yes Kabuto. I will be working in Oto academy now, as their new principal. **(A/N: Oto is screwed! Oh well. I don't know anyone who cares.)** I need you to take pictures of my Sasuke-kun for me." Orochimaru requested.

Kabuto pushed his glasses up higher on his nose. "Yes, Orochimaru-sama." then Orochimaru left.

Zetsu, at hearing their whole conversation, decided to it was best to keep Kabuto away from Sasuke, and not worry Itachi with this information. '_I just have to keep Kabuto away from Sasuke. They cannot be in the same room._' he thought. 'W_ell, maybe I can tell Sakura-chan._'

Now back to Tsunade's office! (sorry we're jumping around a lot right now!)

"SHIZUNE!" Tsunade yelled.

"Yes Tsunade-sama? Did you run out of sake again?" Shizune questioned.

"Yes. But I also need you to council both Uchiha Sasuke, and Haruno Sakura. Try to help them un-see what has been seen, also known as the brain-bleaching process. It is extremely difficult so you are the only one I can trust with this. And then bring me enough sake to last the day." Tsunade ordered.

"Council these two, and order a truck of sake. Got it." Sasuke and Sakura both gaped. Who knew Tsunade-sama drank so much sake, and hasn't been fired?!

"Ok! I guess we start now. I will tell your next teachers. What classes do you both have?" asked Shizune.

"English." Sasuke replied.

"I have Psychology." said Sakura.

"Alright! Meet me in the guidance office and we will begin." Shizune ordered.

Five minutes later, the three of them were ready to begin. So it began. For the next hour, Shizune tried fruitlessly (fruitlessly= didn't work.) to help them un-see what has been seen. By the end of it, Sasuke and Sakura had had the bonding of a lifetime, trying to get Shizune to give up.

"You just keep reminding us, of what we're trying to forget!" said Sasuke. The entire hour had been like that. "Your brain bleach isn't working too well today. Did you get the right brand?" Sakura asked, eyeing a conveniently placed bottle of the aforementioned liquid.

Finally, Shizune gave up. "UGH! FINE! I GIVE UP!" she screamed, before running out of the room.

"Huh. It seems I have a habit of making people run out of rooms screaming." Sakura said. That got Sasuke laughing. "How many times have you done that today? And who were they?" he asked, once his laughter died down.

"Oh, just Itachi about 3 times, Hidan at least once, and Shizune once. I don't think there were any other people." Sakura answered. They both looked at each other for about 3 seconds, before they burst out laughing. The both of them then left the room, and ran into Itachi.

"Oh! Weasel-kun! My mom wanted me to invite you over for dinner." Sakura said to the older Uchiha.

"S-sure Sakura. I-I'd l-l-l-love to come over for d-d-d-d-dinner." Itachi replied.

"Can I come too?" asked Sasuke.

Before Sakura could respond, Itachi answered for her. "NO!" he all but yelled.

Sasuke glared. "And why can't I?" he asked.

Itachi thought up a reason. "You see, I want to spend some quality time with Sakura-chan this evening. So no. You can't come." with that, Itachi dragged Sakura down a random hallway.

Sakura, while being led down the hallway, asked "Really? Why do you really not want him to come?"

"Umm... you see... I love my brother. So I don't really want him to eat, or SEE your mom's food." he explained.

"Oh! Ok! that's fair! And I'm sorry you keep having to eat my moms cooking. But she keeps inviting you." at hearing that, Itachi got an idea on how to torture his fellow Akatsuki member. "Sakura? Would I be able to bring a friend tonight?" he asked.

"Sure!" replied Sakura. She secretly hoped it would be Sasori. Then she could see more of his puppets.

"Very well. I shall see you tonight." he then walked off to find who he was bringing to dinner that night.

Sasuke, who had been left outside the door, decided to head to the cafeteria for a bit. He didn't realize that Kabuto was following him, and taking pictures. Nor did he realize the entire Akatsuki, including his brother, would be there. So when he entered, the first thing he heard was Kisame yell.

"Hey Itachi! Look! Your brother's here!" Sasuke turned and was about to leave, when he was suddenly enveloped in a hug. From Itachi.

"I hope you still aren't mad about me saying you can't come to Sakura's house for dinner tonight!" he exclaimed.

Sasuke REALLY wanted to get Itachi to leave him alone. He then remembered science class.

"Hey, Itachi?" Sasuke noticed how Itachi froze. Itachi was pleased. From the tone of his voice, it sounded as though Sasuke was about to ask him a brotherly question. Hidan wanted to know what was going on, so naturally, he decided to walk over and find out. Once he was close enough, what he heard, scared him.

Sasuke asked "Is there going to be..." Itachi and Hidan leaned closer. "lasagna?" Sasuke finished, a satisfied smirk on his face. Itachi and Hidan ran out of the room screaming. Sasuke just stood there, watching and listening, as 2 of the strongest and bravest guys in school, ran away screaming, because of the word 'lasagna'.

Later, when he arrived home from school, he went to the kitchen where he knew Mikoto was. "Okaa-san! Whats wrong with Itachi? He's scared of the word-" just then, a hand was placed over his mouth, preventing him from continuing.

"Please don't say that word, little brother." Itachi asked. Or more like commanded.

"What word? You mean the word 'lasagna'?" Sasuke asked. Looking as innocent as possible. Itachi screamed and ran out of the room. Sasuke thought for sure he would get in trouble for that. That is, until he heard laughing from behind him. He turned around to see his mother doubling over with laughter.

"Okaa-san? Whats so funny?"

"Oh! Nothing dear! Just the way your brother reacted to that one word!" Mikoto said.

About an hour later, Itachi came back and explained that him and a friend, were going over to Sakura's house for dinner. When his father found out, he requested that Itachi bring home some of the recipes if he could. Itachi shuddered at the thought of that horrible cooking making its way into his house, but agreed none the less.

Just then, the doorbell rang, and Itachi and his friend, headed over to Sakura's house. Itachi's friend took notice of how scared he was, but for the entire walk to the Haruno's, could not figure out why. Once they were there and the front door opened, they saw Sakura!

Before anyone could greet one another, Sakura's mother saw Itachi's guest.

**Dun dun dun... Who is Itachi's guest? Virtual cookie for anyone who guesses! Or maybe a piece of virtual... LASAGNA!**

**And there you have it! Again, sorry to those of you who like oro-pedo. But what did you think? Were we true to our word when we said it was a funny chapter? I hope so! I really don't like lying to people. And, i know i say this a lot. But if you have anything you want to see (fav. Couples, funny events, tragic stuff... just no deaths. Yet.) then please let us know! Either through PM or in the reviews! And the only reason for that, is because we would LOVE it if we could make this story as much to your liking as possible! **

**C ya sooooooon!**

**we will be posting a Halloween special on Halloween. Just so you know, it has nothing to do with the actual story. So please don't get mad when its completely different from the rest of the story. And you will still have to wait longer to see who his guest is. **


	8. halloween special

**Hello! We interrupt our story, with an important one shot. A Halloween one shot. It has almost nothing to do with the actual story. We will try to do this for a bunch of other holidays too. We know what we are doing for Christmas and April fools day. Readers beware!**

**And all the 'couples' in the story, were drawn at random. Do not blame us. **

**This is unedited due to... circumstances...**

**And thank you to all of you who reviewed!**

**Koolkidswaggy**

**Bloodyayame23**

**teddy-chan**

**aderena**

**On to the story! We do not own Naruto. Or the characters. Or the avengers.**

**And happy Halloween! Comment what you went as. **

**The 2 of us are ninjas. Ironic, huh? **

It was 2 days before Halloween.

Sakura's math class had just been given a math project.

She was partnered up with Pein.

Tsunade decided to scare them all. "Hello students of Shinobi Academy! I have decided we will be having a Halloween dance in 2 days!" lots of cheering erupted in the school. Chinese children were wondering what could possible have been done to make a CANADIAN school, be so loud.

Their cheering was cut short when Tsunade continued. "The boys will be drawing there names of their dates, out of one of Jiraiya's socks today at lunch. And you will be taking your dates out tomorrow. To get to know them a bit."

Everyone dropped to the ground anime style.

Jiraiya sweat dropped. "Tsunade... Should i even bother to ask where and when you got a hold of one of my socks?" he asked, slightly disturbed.

Tsunade laughed. "Got 'em from your locker back in high school."

Jiraiya's eyes widened. "oh, please tell me they aren't my Dora socks!"

Tsunade looked suspiciously away. "then i wont tell you."

everyone seriously looked perturbed.

"Ahem." Tsunade coughed to regain order. "Anyways, you are all dismissed."

everyone began to chat with someone as they made their way out of the auditorium.

"Like, seriously. Ami will be so jealous when Sasuke-kun has asked me out! It'll be just perfect!" Karin squealed.

Another girl had a dangerous glint in her eyes. "if ANYONE even DARES to try and take my Itachi-sama away, they'll wish they had never been born."

Sakura, however, was humming to herself as she skipped over to Hinata. "Hinata! Who do you want to ask you?" Hinata blushed at the mention of a date.

Sakura sighed.

**Since we have nothing to write at the moment. ROOF SCENE!**

"Foolish little brother." Itachi said, an evil glint in his eyes.

"No! Itachi, don't!" cried Sasuke.

Itachi raised his arm, a metal knife glinting in the sunlight shining on the roof.

"No one can hear your cries. NO ONE!" Itachi cackled. He slammed the knife into the monopoly board. "HAHA! The board walk is mine! Hotels, here i come!" Itachi's eyes showed money symbols.

Sasuke lost it. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he cried. He then realized something. "Hey, Itachi? You're starting to sound like Kakuzu." he stated.

Itachi froze from doing his happy dance, (A/N: yes. Itachi has a happy dance.) look of horror on his face.

**Back to story!**

Sasuke walked into the office, drew his name, and walked out. He, along with everyone else, hoped it wasn't someone stupid. He ESPECIALLY hoped it wasn't Karin.

Once he was in the hallway, he looked at his paper. His face went pale as a ghost. "Oh no..." he muttered, and headed off to find his -insert shudder here- date.

The second he walked into the cafeteria, all the girls, minus Sakura and Hinata, looked at him. He quickly walked over to his friends.

Sai, Neji, lee, Chouji, Naruto, Shino, Shikamaru, and Kiba, were all looking at the sheets of paper that would determine their fate for the next 2 days.

Before anyone could do anything, Pein stood up and walked over. "Sakura-san, may i please have a word with you? I have been trying to for quite a while now." he asked.

Sakura smiled. "Sure!" she followed him out of the caff and into the hallway.

"So, Sakura-san, are you good friends with Konan-chan?" he asked.

Sakura smiled. "of course Pein-kun!" she said.

Pein resisted the urge to blush at the ending she put on his name. "Would you be able to find out if she... Um... Has a... a... Cr-crush... on... m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-me?" he asked (kind of.)

Sakura smiled. "sure!" she turned, and was about to walk away, when he grabbed her wrist. She turned towards him, a look of confusion on her face. Pein held up a small piece of paper. Her name was written on it.

"I have to ask you to the dance, Sakura-san." he said, slightly nervous. He considered this girl like a sister to him, for unknown reasons. It was awkward to ask her to a dance. Of course, she didn't need to know this.

Sakura smiled. "Sure! We'll go as friends though." she assured him. He gave a relieved sigh, and they both walked back into the caff.

When Sakura got back to her table, lee asked "Why did the youthful Pein-san ask to talk to you? You are more youthful than Pein-san!" he asked.

Everyone in the room appeared to have the same question. "He just asked about a friend of his." she responded. Everyone in the room, especially the boys in Sakura's fan club, all gave a collective sigh of relief.

Until she continued. "oh! And he also asked me to the dance." she said casually, as she munched on a french fry.

Sasuke sent a secretive glare towards Pein.

He smiled sheepishly.

Sakura nudged him. "Hey, duck butt! Who are you asking?" she asked. Every Sasuke fan in the room, hoped they would hear him say their name in the most loving, caring, kind, gentle, and seductive voice. Then they all imagined him picking them up bridal style and running off into the sunset.

But it never happened. He simply handed a piece of crumpled paper to Sakura.

5 seconds passed. Then... "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! YOU HAVE TO ASK HER!" she fell off of her chair laughing.

Every girl in the room fumed.

Sasuke muttered incoherent words under his breath.

Sakura laughed harder (if that's even possible) at what she had translated what Sasuke said to. "You're right! She IS mean fire lady!"

at hearing this, Tobi ran over. "SASUKE-SEMPAI HAS TO ASK THE MEAN FIRE LADY? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! WHY SASUKE-SEMPAI? WHY MUST YOU ASK THE CHERRY-CHAN HATING LADY WHO HATES TOBIS DEAREST CHERRY-CHAN? ITS JUST NOT FAIR!" he wailed, as he desperately clung to his 'dearest Cherry-chan'.

Sasuke closed his eyes. "Tobi..." he said, a murderous aura surrounding him. Tobi cowered and slowly backed away.

With the same murderous aura, he got up. Sakura knew what he was going to do, and patted his back. "Knock 'em dead!" she mocked. Sasuke ignored her, and headed towards Karin's table.

Everyone watched him.

He walked up to Karin.

"Karin..."

he was cut off when Karin threw her arms around his neck, and clung to him like her life depended on it. "YES! SASUKE-KUN! I WILL MARRY YOU!" she shrieked.

Sasuke froze. "No. No no no no. A thousand times no. that's not what i was asking you." he freaked.

Karin playfully hit his arm, and pressed her body hard against him, in what she thought was a seducing way. When in reality, it make Sasuke want to throw up. "Of course you were! Who wouldn't want to date me?" she asked.

Every guy in the room raised their hands. She glared at them all. "WHO ASKED YOU?" she yelled.

They all, including Sasuke, simultaneously said. "You did."

she fumed. "My Sasuke-kun wants to marry me!" she said. She then went into dream land. Imagining what it would be like to marry Sasuke.

While she was doing that, Sasuke fled from the room.

By the end of the day, everyone except Konan, Kabuto, Haku and Sasori had a date. Haku was approached by Sasori. "Hmm... You're cute, but i know someone cuter." Sasori mumbled. "Are you Haku?" he asked.

Haku slowly nodded.

"Ah! I have a cute-"

"I'm a dude." Haku stated simply.

Sasori paled. "Huh?" he was dumbfounded.

"I. am. a. Boy." Haku said slowly, as if talking to a kinder garden student.

Sasori looked at him. "Action movie?" he asked. Him and Haku walked out.

Kabuto cautiously approached Konan. She looked surprised at this, but then quickly became angered. "What do you want?" she sneered.

Kabuto handed her a piece of paper. Konan looked at it and froze. "Oh hell no." she said, a look of horror on her face. "OH HELL NO!" she screamed.

Kabuto glared at her. She gladly returned it. "I... i have... h-have... have t-to... a-a-ask... y-y-y-y-y-y-you... to the... d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-dance..." he bit out.

Konan merely looked at him. "I would rather shave my head bald, rip my eyebrows off with duck tape, tear all my fingernails and toe nails off, yank out all of my teeth, suffer training with Gai-sensei for 10 hours straight, with no breaks, then commit suicide before i would even consider the possibility of me even being able to look at you long enough to be able to go to a dance with you." she said, all with a straight face.

"That can be arranged." Kabuto sneered.

Tsunade heard that. "Konan. Kabuto. You are going to the dance together. Like it or not." she said. They both reluctantly (_**VERY**_ reluctantly) agreed.

Everyone had a date. The pairs are as follows:

- Temari and Sai

- Shion and Tobi

- Hanabi and Itachi

- Haku and Sasori

- Ino and Suigetsu

- Koyuki and Gaara

- Matsuri and Neji

- Sara and Shino

- Hana and Shikamaru

- Ami and Chouji

- Kin and Naruto

- Tayuya and lee

- Tenten and Kiba

- Konan and Kabuto

- Hinata and Kankuro

- Moegi and Deidara

- Sasuke and Karin

- Sakura and Pein

the next day, everyone went on their dates. **(A/N: we're not going to show everyone getting picked up, and all that. We will tell you what they are doing, and some general conversation. And a little bit of detail. And we will go back and forth a bit between the different 'couples'.)**

lets see Konan and Kabuto first! (we will be checking in on them quite a bit to make sure they are both still alive. Just so you know. And you never know whats going to happen. But we will turn it into something funny. And the scenes will be weird.)

They are sitting in a room.

A dark, cold, empty room.

A glare was permanently plastered on both of their faces. They couldn't see each other, but they still glared across the room.

Watching the other one die a thousand times in their minds. All in the most brutal ways they can think of.

They left the room once for about 10 minutes to get some food, then resumed their glaring and mental murdering fest.

Ok then. Lets check on Temari and Sai.

They are in 'The No Name Cafe!' staring at each other. Sai with his usual weird smile, and Temari attempting to resist the urge to strangle him.

**(A/N: Wow. All of them so far have murderous thoughts. Oh well!) **

"So... How about the weather?" Temari asked.

Sai smiled. (no surprise there) and responded "Cold."

-insert awkward silence here-

ROOF SCENE!

(the idea for this roof scene was given to Cait123123cait by her friend Bella.)

"AHHHHHHHHH!" a random teacher screamed.

In front of them, was a swamp monster.

Dancing the disco.

In a purple bikini.

Before anyone could do anything, a ghost appeared. "Oooooo! Swaaaampy the mooonsterrrr! Oooooooooo! Yooooou are traaaaaaumatizing the huuuuuuumaaaaaaans!" the ghost said, in his ghosty voice.

Swampy sighed. "theres no where i can dance my disco! The mummies wrapped their eyes, and threatened to call upon the living, the vampires said it made my blood unappealing, and the other swamp monsters said it was embarrassing!" swampy complained.

The ghost shrugged. "Hoooooooow aboooooooout yooooooour swaaaaaaaamp? Whyyyyyy noooooot theeeeeeeeere?" he asked.

"My wife thinks its weird. She doesn't want me to dance where people can see me." swampy responded. "Bob, where do you suggest i go?" swampy asked.

Bob thought for a second. "Cluuuub uuuundeaaaad?" he suggested. Swampy nodded enthusiastically. They both went to club undead.

Kurenai and Asuma were both standing there, looking dumbfounded infront of them. Both were too scared to move a muscle. "Never mention this to anyone," Kurenai whispered. Asuma nodded his head slowly.

BACK TO DATES!

Lets check in on Konan and Kabuto to see if they're still alive!

Well, the room is still cold, dark, and damp.

The air is musty and smells... odd.

The only thing going on, is staring.

And more staring.

And look at that! Still staring.

Oh wait! Theres some movement in the far left corner!

And... Never mind. Its just a bug.

They're still staring.

Okay... lets check in on Shion and Tobi!

They are watching whinny the pooh.

Sounds fun.

After the movie, Shion said "I wonder if my sweet Naruto-kun would want to watch this movie with me..." she wondered.

Tobi got an idea. "NO! MY CHERRY-CHAN MISSED THIS!" he yelled.

Shion smiled. "Awe! Oh well. My Naruto-kun is more fun than your little Cherry-chan." shse said.

Tobi fumed. "MY CHERRY-CHAN IS SOOOOOOO MUCH MORE FUN THAN NARUTO-SEMPAI!" he yelled.

The rest of the conversation was a mumble jumble of incoherent words, that no human being could ever hope to understand.

And we have some more news on Konan and Kabuto! I am pleased to say that Konan is still alive! Unfortunately, so is Kabuto.

Matsuri and Neji were... somewhere. **(A/N: we couldn't think of somewhere they would go. So they are off in no mans land. Somewhere. Probably in Canada. I think. They might be in the united states. Or Atlantis for all we know.)**

"And then Gaara smirked! Kind of! that's the most emotion i have ever seen him show! And when he saw me as i watched him change out of his gym uniform, he said 'Matsuri, i will kill you!' and that's the most he's ever said to me! I think that means he's desperately in love with me! I can see it now! The 2 of us walking hand in hand, on the beach, as the suns setting, as he threatens me with death! Ahh! He would be all like 'Matsuri. If you don't stop stalking me. I will cut you to ribbons, and leave you in a dumpster!' eeeeeeeee! It would be sooo romantic! He would be threatening me with a voice filled with love and devotion and caring and compassion! It would just be so perfect! And we will get married, and have lots of kids, and for the rest of our lives live happily ever after, as he threatens death on my all the time! I cant wait!" she squealed some more.

A vein in Neji's forehead popped. 'Gaara this. Gaara that. I feel bad for the poor guy.' he thought. **(A/N: yes. Poor Gaara indeed.)**

lets check in on Hanabi and Itachi. They're eating chocoholic blizzards in Dairy Prince. **(cuz Dairy Queen is copyrighted.)**

they weren't talking.

Just sitting there.

It was kind of awkward, but not enough to be uncomfortable.

Hanabi decided to say something. "Staring contest!" Itachi looked at her and they commenced a staring contest.

Hanabi won.

Itachi was shocked.

They played many more rounds of staring contests.

Konan and Kabuto were still alive. "You know, if it wasn't completely disgusting to touch you, i would kill you." Konan said. "Maybe Saku-chan could help me..." she thought out loud.

Kabuto froze at the mention of the pink haired girl. He envisioned her surrounded by members of Akatsuki, as they all beat him to a bloody pulp. He involuntarily shuddered. 

Konan began to cackle. She was planning his demise.

Kabuto gulped.

Haku and Sasori were watching "The Avengers©" in the movie theatre.

that's about it.

Meanwhile, Ino and Suigetsu were at the mall. "EEEEEEEEEEEE!" squealed Ino.

Right in Suigetsu's ear.

He growled. "What. Is it now?" he snarled.

Ino pointed to a make-up store. "OH HELL NO!" Suigetsu yelled, and he clung to a near by pole, to try and avoid having to go into that death trap.

Ino wasn't having it. "Suigetsu. This is a date. YOU do as I say." Ino snarled.

Suigetsu panicked. "I NEVER wanted to DATE you! I only asked you, because i HAD to!" he snarled back.

Ino glared at him, and grabbed his arm. "You're going in that store." she said dangerously.

Suigetsu gulped. For the rest of their date, they did nothing but argue.

Koyuki and Gaara, were a completely different story. They were both quiet throughout their whole date. They just sat in a restaurant.

Konan had just finished her "Destroy Kabuto" plan. She cackled some more. "Mwahahahaha! My plan is complete!" she exclaimed. 'first, trick him into believing im actually going to kill him. Then, send him on a wild goose chase. Next, hope he doesn't come back. At least, not alive. Finally, if he does come back, scare him more! HAHA! He probably actually thinks im going to have Akatsuki and Saku-chan help!' she thougth.

Kabuto gulped. He was so dead. Her plan was probably something horrible and gruesome. She was a part of Akatsuki after all. "S-so... W-whats your... Your p-plan?" he nervously asked.

She smirked her evil smirk. "second, to give you the directions. Do you have a piece of paper?" she asked. 'DAMN! I said second. I was supposed to say first! Now he might catch on!' she panicked. She then realized he looked terrified. 'huh. Never mind. Hes too afraid to have noticed. Step 1: success!' she inwardly cheered.

He shakily handed her a sheet of paper and a pencil.

At the top of the page, she wrote: "Directions To The Location Of The Purple Cow." under it, she wrote the following. (the idea for the purple cow stuff comes from Cait123's friend Bella)

1. get good and lost in Konoha forest. Shouldn't take you that long.

2. look for the biggest pine cone.

3. pick up the pine cone.

4. drop pine cone on ground.

5. go in the direction the mystical pine cone of awesomeness points you in.

6. keep walking straight, until you find the biggest blood red tree.

7. climb the tree.

8. once at top, jump. A 'kill-me-now orange' dragon will come in and catch you.

9. the dragon will take you to a bridge.

10. once at the bridge, a bridge troll will ask you the most complicated question

of all time. You must answer it correctly.

11. once troll lets you cross, look for a 10 foot tall, 5 foot wide pine cone laying on the ground.

12. go under pine cone. You will find a tunnel.

13. follow the tunnel until you find a blue unicorn standing in the pathway.

14. tell the unicorn "Lamron yllatot era nej dna tiac." it will lead you somewhere.

15. once the unicorn has led you to the place, there, standing in a beam of majestic looking light, will be a purple cow. You must bring it to me.

Love, Konan. (though i still hate you. don't get any ideas.)

Kabuto took the sheet from Konan. He read it and gulped. 'this could end in disaster.' he thought. 'I'd better be careful.'

Sara and Shino were in the library.

Sara wouldn't shut up. "My dear Naruto-chan keeps ignoring me! I just stalk him day in and day out! Why would he..." Shino stopped listening. (wow. Naruto has a fan club. Kewl!)

Shino had decided about 5 minutes after getting there, that he would read "How To Shut Up Annoying Fan Girls For Dummies."

Unfortunately, not many of the solutions could be done in a library. A few examples of those would be:

- set a poisonous snake on them.

- tie them up and gag them. Then shove them in a janitors closet.

- shove them off of a roof.

'wow. Murderous book.' Shino decided to show this to Sasuke. He might be needing it after the dance.

He was slowly loosing it. 'how Naruto deals with this, i will never know.'

Kabuto is now standing at the edge of Konoha forest. He looked at the looming trees in front of him. He started shaking. From the cold, or out of fear, he didn't know. He looked at the piece of paper Konan had given him. He looked a the first step. "Get good and lost in Konoha forest. Shouldn't be too hard for you." he read out loud.

He became furious. "HOW DUMB DOES SHE THINK I AM!?" he yelled. A few small animals ran away, due to the sudden noise.

A crow cawed in the back ground, and he began to look around for the Akatsuki. When he didn't see them, he sighed in relief. "It's gunna take me more than a couple HOURS to get lost. My sense of direction is better than anyone else s." he said. With that, he headed into the forest.

-5 steps later-

"Uhhh... Where am i?" he asked. He then looked at his watch. "Huh. A couple hours goes by pretty fast. I bet my watch died. It says it's only been a minute since i got here." he thought out loud. He then decided on something. "Alright. Just to make sure i really am lost, i better keep walking for a bit longer."

meanwhile, in the clearing beside the forest, Hana and Shikamaru were laying in the grass, cloud watching. Hana had a history textbook, and was studying. Around noon, they went out to get something to eat. Then they went back to the field and continued with what they had been previously doing.

Ami and Chouji are a COMPLETELY different story. The were in the Chinese Chip Shop. (Which is what Cait123123cait's grandad calls the Mandarin. But that's under copyright protection. Along with everything else in the world. No one has any trust now a days.)

they were the only ones there.

The second the customers saw Ami, they fled. Mainly because shes so annoying, never shuts up about her 'dearest Sasuke-kun' and no one likes her. Even the employees were avoiding them as much as possible. Ami more so than Chouji obviously.

"And reason #397 of why MY Sasuke-kun is the best!" Ami squealed. (yes. She has 397 reasons as to why Sasuke is the best. She has more though. Many, many more.) Chouji was too busy stuffing his face to take any notice of the girl.

30 minutes passed.

"And reason #632 of why MY Sasuke-kun is better than everyone else, is-" she got cut off when Chouji shoved a chicken ball in her mouth. "Eat. Shut up, and eat." he said.

1 hour later.

"And, the last reason, reason #1034 of why MY Sasuke-kun is the greatest, is-" she cut herself off, when her lack of paying attention caused her to walk straight into a lamp post.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Konoha forest, Kabuto was looking at the sheet again. "look for the biggest pine cone. Pick up pine cone. Drop pine cone on ground. Go in direction the mystical pine cone points you in." he read.

And so, he looked around the forest a bit, until he found the biggest pine cone he could find. It was about the size of his hand. When he picked it up, he felt a foreign power (probably stupidity) surge through him. He held out the pine cone, and dropped it on the ground.

It pointed towards a tree.

He smirked and walked towards the tree, thinking he would be able to just walk through it, with the new found power he got from the pine cone.

He smacked into the tree.

"damn pine cone. Its trying to miss lead me." Kabuto cursed.

So he picked up the same pine cone and dropped it on the ground once again. It pointed in the same direction.

He growled, and repeated this process a bunch more times. The pine cone kept pointing in the same direction.

He sighed and walked up to the tree. He wrapped his arms around it, and slowly walked around it, almost as if he was dancing with it. He then released the tree, and continued walking, doing that with every tree that crossed his path.

He just hoped no one saw him.

Tayuya balled her fists in anger. "The youthful Tayuya-san! Would you like to go in mine and Gai-sensei's favourite store?" lee asked.

Without giving Tayuya a chance to answer, he dragged her into "The Green Beast Department Store"

'ha! When we get inside, i can ditch the stupid loser!' Tayuya inwardly cackled.

That plan went out the window. When they stepped inside.

Everything was green.

On most of the racks, were Gai and lees signature green jump suits. Along with green bathing suit, underwear, boxers, socks, shirts, pants, hats shoes, bikinis...

a small section of the store, had racks that held orange leg warmers, and fake bushy eyebrows. 'ha! I know they weren't real!' Tayuya was discussed by it though.

Lee ran around the store picking up objects, then ran to the back of the store into a changing room.

The stores clerk kept Tayuya from escaping, and the 2 of them had a mini showdown in the store front.

Their show down was interrupted when lee walked out of the changing room.

Wearing a green bikini, 2 sizes too small.

"**we interupt your normal show, with some news on the roof."** a t.v. guys voice says.

ROOF SCENE!

The original Tobi held up a sign that said "Tobi Meeting!". Within minutes, there were about 50 Tobi's all on the roof of the school.

The original Tobi lowered the sign, and began. "Good! The Tobi's United Council, is all here! Tobi will now take attendance! Tobi clone #1?" original Tobi called.

"Here!" Tobi clone #1 responded.

"Ah! Hello Tobi clone #1! nice to see you again! Did Tobi clone #1 get a new mask? It looks like the one from that store that Tobi goes to!" he commented. "Tobi clone #2?" original Tobi continued.

-25 minutes later- (imagine the spongebob dude saying that!)

"Ok. And Tobi clone #50? is Tobi clone #50 here?" original Tobi asked.

"Here Tobi! Tobi clone #50 is here!" he called.

Original Tobi smiled. "Good! Lets begin. Any Tobi's have ideas?" Tobi asked.

One of the Tobi clones put up their hand. "Yes? Tobi picks Tobi clone #37. what is Tobi clone #37s idea?" Tobi asked.

Tobi clone #37 spoke. "Tobi clone #37s idea, is to make a building of Tobi-sempai out cotton candy! Tobi clone #37 thinks its a great idea!" Tobi clone #37 said.

Another Tobi clone raised their hand. "Yes? Tobi clone #20. whats Tobi clone #20s idea?" Tobi asked.

"Tobi clone #20s idea, is to make a statue of Deidara-sempai out of cotton candy. Tobi clone #20 also thinks the statue should be 5,000,000,000 (5 billion) feet tall! that's a lot taller than Tobi clone #20!" Tobi clone #20 stated. Original Tobi nodded his head approvingly.

Tobi clone #25 raised his hand. "Ano, Tobi-sempai? Tobi clone #25 thinks Deidara-sempai is angry and scared." he said.

Original Tobi looked confused. Or as confused as Tobi can look. "Why would Tobi clone #25 think that?" Tobi asked.

"Well, Tobi-sempai, Deidara-sempai is right behind Tobi-sempai. And Deidara-sempai looks angry and scared." Tobi clone #25 stated.

The original Tobi called "TOBI CLONES! TOBI CLONES ALL KNOW THE EMERGENCT PLAN! EVERY TOBI CLONE For TOBISELF!" Tobi called. Deidara just stood there, too scared to do anything.

BACK TO TAYUYA AND LEE!

Tayuya stared at the bot in front of her. She took out her phone, and took a photo.

Lee didn't notice. "The ever youthful Tayuya-san! Do you think the even more youthful Sakura-san will like me in this ever youthful bathing suit?" lee asked.

Tayuya put on a has mat suit, before walking over, and turning lee around to face a mirror.

Lee blushed. "I think i will go try on something more youthful." he said, before he turned around on his heels, and rushed back into the change into something else. A couple minutes later, he came out in some neon green and neon orange striped swim trunks.

Tayuya sighed and left the store. 'HES TOO YOUTHFUL!' she thought irritatedly.

Kin was with Naruto at the movies. They were watching an animated movie i don't know the name of. (A/N: you will see there's a lot of no name things in our story.) they were both on the edges of their seats, waiting for the main character to react.

When the main character did react, they both jumped up and cheered. After the movie, they went out to get some Ramen, and discussed the movie.

They went as friends of course. They had fun though.

Tenten and Kiba (along with Akamaru of course) were walking and talking in the park, like old friends. Which they are. They talked about school, friends, and just general gossip from around the school.

They had a good time though. Just like when they were younger.

Hinata and Kankuro were at a traditional Chinese restaurant, eating a nice lunch. Kankuro kept cracking jokes, and making Hinata giggle. "You're like Naruto-kun!" Hinata commented.

Kankuro smiled, and sat up straighter in his chair, all high and mighty with glory, making Hinata giggle more. "Does that mean i have my own fan club too?" he asked.

Hinata giggled some more. "Maybe, Kankurou-kun!" she said.

He beamed.

After lunch, they went to the library and read their own books, occasionally making some comments, or asking each other questions.

Kabuto read the next few steps as he walked. "Keep walking- gah! Tree! (does weird tree dance) straight until- oops! Another tree! (does weird tree dance) you find the- Tree! (does weird tree dance) biggest blood red tree- tree! (does weird tree dance) then- TREE! (does weird tree dance then stopped walking) GOD DAMN IT! HOW MANY FREAKING TREES ARE THERE?! (looks around FOREST) i climb the tree." he finished reading, before he started walking again.

A couple minutes later, he saw the tree he was looking for. Its bark was as red as blood, and it was HUGE! According to Kabuto. It was at least 5 feet taller than him!

He dropped to his knees, with tears streaming down his face, anime style, in awe of the majestic tree. He then began to climb it.

About half an hour, he finally reached the top, and was panting as if he had just ran a marathon.

He looked around.

Something caught his eye.

An even BIGGER blood red tree. This one was huge. It was about 400 feet tall.

He then spent the next half an hour climbing back down the tree, and another 15 minutes, running over the other one.

Once he was standing at the bottom of it, he had much the same reaction as before. He then began to climb this tree. It also only took him half an hour to reach the top.

He then read the next step.

"NOT A CHANCE! un." Deidara screamed.

"B-but... We want to! And we just need one more person!" Moegi pleaded, tears in her eyes.

Deidara remained unaffected. "No, Moegi. I REFUSE to play hide and seek, and ninjas with you 3!" he said.

Moegi's expression darkened, and she pulled out her cell phone. She began to dial a number. Deidara was confused. She then turned the phone to him.

When he saw Sakura's name at the top, he glared at her. "What. Does she have to do with this?" he questioned. His voice giving away his slight fear of what would happen next.

Moegi smirked evilly at her 'date'. "If you wont play," her voice broke, and she sounded as if she were about to cry. "I'll call Sakura-chan, and tell her mean you're being." she said, in between fake sobs, as her shoulders shook.

Deidara gulped. 'If Moegi calls Sakura on me, i can say good-bye to a future family!' he thought. He freaked out, and held his hands up in surrender. "F-fine! You little brat! I'll play your stupid games." he grumbled, voice oozing with hate towards the girl.

Moegi squealed excitedly. "Konohamaru! Udon! Come on! We have our bad guy!" Moegi called.

Konohamaru and Udon ran out from behind a couple trees. The 2 boys ended up tackling Deidara to the ground. Deidara glared at them once he got up, and the games commenced.

Sasuke and Karin were walking down the streets of Konoha. "So, Sasuke-kun, where do you want our wedding to be held? What kind of dress do you want me to wear? don't you think it would be cute when our kids call me 'Okaa-san?' ooooo! Where should we live? Can it be far away from Sakura? How about we go somewhere private? Then it can be just to 2 of us, and our many, many kids!" Karin gushed.

Sasuke mentally answered all of the questions. 'hell. We will get married in hell. A black one. Like for a funeral. no. It wouldn't be cute. It would be creepy. Here. I want to be near my friends and family. And since you hate her so much, Sakura will be our neighbour. We will NEVER go anywhere private. And we will NOT be having many, many kids. We wont even be having one. And above all, under no circumstances, will we ever, in any way, shape, or form be getting married.' he clenched his fists at his sides.

Karin took notice of this. She thought it was because she mentioned Sakura's name. "Oh! Baby im sorry! I didn't think just mentioning Saku- umm... i mean _her_ name would make you so angry!" she exclaimed, as she pressed her body against him.

He resisted the urge to barf.

He smirked when they neared their chosen location.

Up ahead, was the local orphanage run by a friend of his brothers. The Uchiha corporation funded them yearly. The kids were all milling about and minding their own business, until a red head, with piercing onyx eyes noticed Sasuke.

She got the happiest look on her face. "AH! Tou-san!" with this, all the other children within earshot ran over as well.

Karin noticed the first girls appearance. "Tou-san? Sasuke-kun isnt a dad?" Karin spoke confused.

"Well, Tachi-nii said to call him that. Are you tou-san's girlfriend? Kaa-san?"

karins eyes shimmered in joy. "Sasuke-kun! Our kids must look like her! Can we adopt her? Please? Of course we can wait until after we get married..."

Sasuke's eyes widened. "Whats your name, dear?" Karin asked, in a surprisingly caring voice.

"I'm Kumiko!"

"Kumiko, how old are you?"

kumiko beamed. "I'm six!"

"Awe! How cute!" Karin cooed. "Sasuke-kun? Can we adopt her in the next 2 years? Please!"

Sasuke actually gagged, before Itachi placed his hand on his shoulder. Sasori standing behind him. "Foolish little brother. Why would you come here, of all places?" he asked.

Sasuke opened his mouth to respond, when someone cut in. "Ah! Itachi-chan! Sasori-chan! Who are they? Are they your friends?" a lady with long caramel coloured hair and bright shining silver eyes asked.

"Uchiha Sasuke." Sasuke said. 'this annoying, useless person, if she can even be called that, is no one important enough to even be mentioned.' he added mentally.

The lady smiled. "Awe! You're Itachi-chan's younger brother! Did you know, when Itachi-chan first met me, he had a crush on me? Every time he would see me, he would get all flustered, and ask me out on a date. It was so cute! His face would get all red! Until, that is, he discovered i was married. Then, he sat in that corner.." she pointed to a corner in the far end of the yard. "And cried for 2 days straight!" the lady laughed. "Oh! My name is Haruka! But you can call me Haru-chan!" she held her hand out.

Sasuke shook her hand. "You're like my friend. Her names Sakura." he mumbled.

"Oh! You mean Saku-chi? She's my niece! You know her?" Sasuke nodded his head, while she thought. "Nope! Never seen you before. You know, my Take runs a campground. Let me know if you ever go there! I'll tell him to treat you great!"

suddenly, Sasuke turned to Sasori and Itachi. "aren't you guys supposed to be with your dates?" Sasuke asked, suspiciously.

The 2 in question shrugged. "We left them back at school. We volunteer here."

Karin grabbed Sasuke's arm, clearly unhappy about being ignored. Sasuke smirked in success, internally of course, when she dragged him towards the haunted house run by the kids. Karin was also smirking. 'great! A haunted house! I'll be ALL ALONE with my Sasuke-kun! And nobody can stop me! So what if I'll be terrified...' she thought as they reached the entrance.

Sasuke was glad when he saw Karin's scared expression. When they walked inside, Sasuke's face fell. 'theres no way she'll be scared of this.' he thought. 'now i cant completely abandon her!'

there were fake spiders hanging from the ceiling, and little kid drawings of smiling witches, and pumpkins everywhere. Along with orange, purple and black streamers. There were smiling jack-o-lanterns, and sheets hanging from the ceiling to resemble ghosts. Kids were standing at the back of the room, with bowls of candy in their arms.

Karin saw the kids, and screamed. Sasuke took this chance, and bolted from the room.

Outside, he began to cheer. The Uchiha in him be damned.

"once at top, jump. A 'kill me now' orange coloured dragon will catch you. The dragon will take you to a bridge." he read out loud. He smirked. "Ha! Ya right. The dragon wont come yet. I have to wait another hour." he snickered. "How dumb does she think i am?" he questioned.

An hour later, he smirked. "NOW he'll come." he decided.

And so, he jumped. And kissed the blood covered ground. "Great grandma Oro! I'm coming!" he said. Then, to put it bluntly, he died.

Pein and Sakura were in Pien's bedroom. Before you get any naughty ideas or notions, they were working on a math project.

Why were they at Pien's house, instead of Sakura's (even though most of the Akatsuki knows where it is), is due to her family. Her mother and her tendency to make snacks and meals for any visitors that take even a single step onto their front lawn. Of course, Sakura took great care to warn him before he even attempted to suggest going to her house.

"Pein-kun? Can you pass the eraser please? I made a huge mistake on this calculation."

He nodded. "Sure. Here ya go!"

she corrected her mistake before passing the eraser back to him.

His parents called the 2 of them down for dinner. "Thanks! This meal looks so much better than what i usually get to eat at home!"

Pein smiled, piercings and all. "Glad you like your hamburger, Sakura-san." his father seemed to choke on a comment as he put it. His mother seemed to whisper something in Pein's ear that made him go bright red.

"MOM! What are you talking about? We're simply friends. No, this isnt a real date! Tsunade-sama made us! No, she made the whole school! It means NOTHING!" he protested.

Sakura faked a pained expression. "W-what do you mean 'this means nothing'?" she asked, pretending to cry.

Pein's mother smacked him up side the head. "Pein! How dare you!" his mother shrieked.

Pein helplessly looked to his father. His mother winked at Sakura. "Dad!" he called.

His dad got up, and walked over to Sakura. His mother winked at his father. He gave a faint nod.

He put a hand on Sakura's shoulder. "Its ok, hun." he said soothingly. He then glared at his son. "Pein..." he said threateningly.

Pein gulped. "Yes, dad?" he asked nervously. 'oh no! Im dead!' he freaked.

Sakura began to gather tears in her eyes. Feigning hurt. "does working on our math project really mean nothing to you? Im seriously offended!" she said in between sobs.

Pein's eyes widened dramatically, as he watched his parents turn their gazes towards him. His mother had a 'don't-give-me-crap' smile plastered to her face, that promised more of his godly name to anyone who opposed her. Of course, right before he was left to the mercy of his angry parents, Sakura smiled. "Dont worry! I was just kidding. I know you don't like me like _that_."

his parents paused in their assault, as she spoke. "Anyways, we need to get back to school soon. We have to help set up for the dance tomorrow."

the next day!

Orochimaru cackled. "I have found the perfect costume!" he exclaimed. "Kabuto, do you have the pictures i asked you for?" he called.

5 minutes passed.

No response.

"Kabuto?"

still nothing.

"Huh. Must be on his date. Oh well." s=he said.

Kabuto's ghost was standing behind Orochimaru, and was furious. "Orochimaru-sama! Why would you think im still on my date? ITS THE NEXT FREAKING DAY!" Kabuto ghost exclaimed.

Of course, Orochimaru heard nothing he had just said. He just continued to look at the small pile of girls clothing in front of him, as he held up a wig. "I'll have to get the pictures of my dearest Sasuke-kun my self then." he said dreamily, as he began to put on lipstick.

Every one arrived at the dance, wearing their costumes. Sasuke, seemingly under influence of a certain blonde haired boy, was dressed as a hotdog zombie. Said blonde was dressed as a Ramen cook, and Hinata was the bowl of Ramen he had made. Shikamaru was a cloud, Ino a model. Chouji, surprisingly was a teddy bear. Lee was Gai-sensei. So there was no real change there. Kiba and Shino were dressed as their respective animals, and Tenten was a rebel. Neji was dressed as a samurai. Deidara was dressed as a barbie doll, after losing a bet against Tobi, while Tobi was dressed as a king. Sasori seemed to be a body guard. Zetsu was a gardener, and Kisame was dressed in a goldfish costume with a name tag that read "Uncle Fernando" on it.

Itachi decided to go as ninjas. Hidan went as jashin, a god he was introduced to over the internet by a bunch of weirdos. Sai was a paintbrush. Konan was a princess, complete with a blue ball gown, and silver tiara. Temari was a warrior princess, with all kinds of hidden weapons all over her. And Kankuro was a cat. Gaara had decided to go as a raccoon. Suigetsu went as a shark. And juugo as a bird. Kakuzu went as 100,000 yen. Pein was a carrot. Karin and Ami had decided to go as smexy models from playboy magazine. Sakura went as a cherry blossom queen.

And, we have one more person, who wore a costume. Orochimaru was dressed as Sakura. Or so he thought. Everyone was on the dance floor. Well, not everyone. Sasuke and Karin weren't. Karin was trying to get Sasuke to dance, but he refused to even acknowledge his so called 'date'.

Konan was standing against a wall, smirking. "He bought it! He bought it! He bought it!' she cheered in her head.

Sakura and Pein were just talking, while Pein was sneaking glances at Konan.

Orochimaru chose then to make an appearance. He was wearing neon pink pumps, a bright red wig, that reached down to his knees. He also had a blue mini skirt, that reached down to 5 inches above his knees, and a neon green crop top that ended just about where ribs are. over a yellow and orange striped tank top. On his face, were 2 big red circles on his face where he tried to put on blush, that matched the giant red blob around his mouth, from the lipstick he doesn't know how to use. He also sported his usual eye make-up.

Everyone just stared. The music playing, but no one moved.

"Sasuke-kun! Sasuke-kun! Where is my Sasuke-kun?" 'she' squealed, in a shrill, high pitched voice.

He was answered by an awkward silence.

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS! ROOF SCENE!

There were dozens of empty beer bottles scattered all over the roof, mixed with tiny sheets of plastic, and the paper temporary tattoo backings.

Kakashi laughed maniacally. "Ha! They'll never know it was me!" he slurred. He peeled off the paper backing of the hello kitty tattoo, before putting it on the wall. He then stepped back, to admire his work.

The wall was covered in hello kitty tattoos. "They have no proof that, i, Hatake Kakashi, tattooed the wall of the school!" he said, as he looked directly into the schools security camera.

He then looked back to the wall, where he had used the hallo kitty tattoos to spell his name. He continued to laugh, as he put on more of the tattoos on himself. ...

umm... ok...

BACK TO THE DANCE!

Everyone laughed, and Karin fumed.

Sasuke was frozen with fear. 'Now theres 2 karins?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!' he suddenly felt faint.

Sakura walked up to the 'girl'. "Hello! Would you like me to fix your make-up?" she asked 'her'. There wasn't that much that could be done about the outfit. Orochimaru absentmindedly nodded his head, and Sakura led 'her' out of the gym.

"ok. Now lets get started." Sakura said with a smile.

5 minutes later, the 2 of them walked back into the gym. 'her' face looked normal. But 'her' outfit was still terrible. Tsunade walked up. "Well, well, well. Who do we have here?" she asked, cracking her knuckles.

Orochimaru gulped. "O-oro-orochi-m-maru?" he asked.

Tsunade pulled him over to Sasuke. "I think an apology is long since over due, Oro-pedo." Tsunade said.

Orochimaru took out his phone, and pretended to text, while in reality, he was taking pictures of his sweet, sweet, Sasuke-kun. "I'm so very, very sorry, my dearest Sasuke-kun. How about i make it up to you, by taking you out to dinner?" he suggested.

Before anyone could do anything, Sakura kicked him where the sun doesn't shine.

HARD.

While he was keeled over, she kicked him again, knocking him over. "Hey, Oro-pedo. Stay away from my duck butt!" she said. Sasuke smirked. Until she finished what she was saying. "Its my job to annoy him. Not yours."

Sasuke face palmed. "Annoying." he muttered.

The rest of the dance went by pretty good.

**And here you go! Our Halloween special! We hope you liked it! Happy Halloween! I hope its scary! Or not scary. Depending on how you like your Halloweens. **


	9. Chapter 8

**Hello! Sorry we left ya hanging. I know we do that a lot, and probably still will, but ya. Its been late every time i post a chapter. And i don't think right when im tired. But writing this one, im a bit more awake. And so, with out further adue here ya go!**

**And thanks to everyone who has favorited or reviewed on our story! **

**Koolkidswaggy**

**Bloodyayame23**

**teddy-chan**

**aderena**

** .5**

**it means a lot to us! And i will be posting any recipes that come up in this chapter soon. I fell behind a bit in those. Sorry!**

**I know i have to do this, so the disclaimer is we no own Naruto. **

When Sakura's mother saw Itachi's guest, she was over joyed. "Oh! Thank you Itachi-kun! I was short a fish for the sushi!" she then grabbed Kisame's arm and was about to drag him away to the kitchen to finish preparing the meal.

"I'm not a fish! I'm their friend!" said Kisame, in a mad attempt to get away from the crazy lady.

Sakura ran over to her mother, and gave her a swordfish. "Here's the fish you needed mother! Now please let go of my friend!" she pleaded.

Once Kisame was freed from the psycho lady, Itachi walked over. "Maybe we should teach Sakura how to cook, just so she has a chance of survival when she moves out." suggested Kisame. Itachi merely nodded.

Kisame then thought of something. "Is this why you and Hidan are both scared of lasagna?" he asked.

Itachi ran out of the room screaming, and ran right into the front door, completely forgetting to open it. Sakura and Kisame burst into a fit of laughter at seeing the normally stoic Uchiha run into a door because of one simple word.

When Itachi stood up, he ran at Kisame, who was still laughing, and tackled him to the ground. Making Sakura laugh harder. Itachi and Kisame then proceeded to to wrestle for the next half hour, with Sakura cheering on whoever was winning. Then, Itachi finally won. Sakura helped up Kisame, and they were called for dinner.

The three of them felt like they were walking to their own funeral. They were all scared for what Sakura's mother would do with the sword fish. It was the most petrifying thought, any of them had ever thought. Except for Itachi. His was still the lasagna. When they got to the table, they saw the food was already laid out.

"Oh no! Kisame look! It's your cousins! Mom! How could you do that!?" Sakura shrieked.

"Whoa! Calm down Cherry! My cousins are people! Not fish." Kisame explained.

Itachi stared at the food in disgust. So his face looked like it always did. Unemotional, and impassive. Kisame stared at it, trying to telepathically have it grow legs, and walk off of the table, and out the front door. Sakura looked up at Kisame with tears in her eyes.

"Kisame... are y-you a... a... a cannibal?" she asked, looking like she was about to cry. Kisame, in an effort to comfort the girl, wrapped his arms around her, and hugged her against him.

"Shh... its ok blossom. I'm not a cannibal. Why would you think that?" he asked in a soft and soothing voice.

Sakura's personality, did a complete 180. "BECAUSE YOU WILL BE EATING YOUR COUSINS!" she screamed. Effectively making Kisame jump about 15 feet in the air, and putting a lovely sky light in the ceiling. Itachi ACTUALLY started to laugh. For real. Not snickering. ACTUAL laughing that was exactly like how Sakura and Kisame had been laughing when he had run into the door. Kisame and Sakura just stared at him, once Kisame got down from the ceiling.

Just then, the 3 of them noticed something. Sakura's mother wasn't in the room. The 3 of them shared a look, then grabbed the food, and threw it out the open window. When Mrs. Haruno came back, she was surprised to see all of the food was gone.

"You all liked it! I will have to make more!" she exclaimed.

"NO!" all 3 of them yelled in unison. "I mean... we're not hungry anymore!" then Itachi stepped forward.

"Mebuki-san. I was wondering if i could have the recipes for the sushi, and the... the... la... las... lasa-"he was cut off.

"The lasagna?" Mebuki asked. Itachi cringed.

"Y-yes. For my father." he explained. He held back the scream that was climbing his throat. Sakura noticed this, and walked up behind him. Wrapping her arms around him, in an effort to calm him down.

"Sure dear!" Mebuki said. A smile on her face. She then handed him two recipes. Itachi cautiously took them, and paled once he knew what they said.

These were the recipes.

**LASAGNA:**

**- 20 fried pigs feet**

**- 10 chicken brains**

**- 3 cups worm intestines**

**- 7 spoon fulls sand stone**

**- 1 cup water.**

**ORANGE GOO:**

**- 2 cups human blood**

**- 15 ml brain juice (cerebral spinal fluid)**

**- 25 bottles of orange food colouring (because orange is SUCH a pretty colour!)**

**SUSHI: (for one piece of sushi.)**

**- 1 fish. Live and any size**

**- 3 stalks of giant kelp. Imported from the U.S.A.**

**RICE:**

**cook rice in grease, then leave it for 3 hours, still in grease. (glaze is made of grease.)**

Itachi gagged. 'And this is going to be made at my house now too! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!' Itachi cringed at the thought. The scream erupted and he ran for his life.

The next day, when Sakura walked to the science room, she expected too see Orochimaru. She then remembered he had been fired the day before. Anko was standing at the board, waiting for class to start. The second it did, Anko announced they would be doing a project on genealogy/family trees. Sakura remembered the relations between rock Lee and Gai-sensei (refer to chapter 4) and held back giggles.

Anko split the class up, into groups of 3. to Sakura's amusement, she was paired up with Gaara Sabaku, and Rock Lee. Then, the group of 3 got sent to a computer to do research on the family histories on there fathers side. Since Gai was a relative on Lee's mothers side, Lee still won't be finding out about that just yet.

The entire class went by with Gaara glaring at Lee for being annoying, while sitting to Sakura's left, and Lee babbling about youthfulness and how youthful his cherry blossom is, while sitting to Sakura's right. Which only made Gaara glare at him more. Sakura just suppressed her giggles the whole time.

At the end of class, Gaara was walking down the halls by himself.

Sakura saw him. "Hey! Gaara-kun!" she called.

Gaara stopped. This had never happened before. No one had added and ending to his name like that. Or even called out to him before. "Yes, Sakura?" he asked.

"Well, I just wanted to say it was nice working with you. It was really fun!" exclaimed Sakura.

Gaara was stunned. "W-what class do you have now, S-Sakura-chan?" he asked.

"History. You?" she replied. While smiling at him.

"I have history as well, Sakura-chan." Gaara was happy to have another class with her. The 2 of them then continued to walk to history class together.

Asuma noticed Gaara was blushing as he found a seat. He ALSO noticed as Sakura rushed over, and claimed the empty seat beside him.

Shikamaru, who was sitting behind them, was wondering why ANYONE was happy to be sitting beside Gaara Sabaku, someone who was said to be a psycho murderer. She was smiling and laughing, causing Gaara to blush more.

"Gaara-kun?" she asked. Her head tilted cutely to the side.

'Kawaii!' thought pretty much every guy in class.

Karin was disgusted. 'How come this... this... this THING gets to spend time, with MY Sasuke-kun?' Karin wondered, enraged. She was so infuriated, a couple people gave her weird looks, and could have sworn there was smoke coming out of her ears.

Sakura ignored her, as Gaara gave both girls a questioning look.

"Ahem!" Asuma coughed, in order to get the classes attention. "Alright. Today we're working with the history of warfare. You're working with the person beside you. Open your text books to page 394 please." Asuma said while grinning.

Sakura turned back to Gaara. "I guess we're working together again! That's great!" she exclaimed happily. Gaara just nodded his head. "Yeah."

they got started and began studying some warlords. Sakura looked at all of them. "Hey, Gaara?" she asked. He turned. "Yeah? What is it?" he asked. "Doesn't this guys moustache look funny?" she asked, smothering a giggle. Gaara sighed and laid his head on her lap, in order to see the book she was hiding under the table. She was right. His moustache WAS funny! He almost gasped as she began to pet his hair. It was soo soothing!

Shikamaru gaped at the scene in front of him. Gaara was lying down on Sakura's lap and she was giggling! 'What's going on between them?' he wondered. Then it hit him. 'They must like each other! That's the only reason why Gaara would let her do that!'

back with them, they were giggling at the different hair styles, faces, and clothes of the warlords. "Gaara-kun?"

"Hm?" he was enjoying the hair pet.

"All of these guys have topknots! Isn't that funny? Especially when you combine them with the uni brows, beards, and moustaches!" at that point, Shikamaru could clearly see Gaara's face and hers. He pulled out his phone and took a picture, preparing to show the guys later. It would be troublesome, but watching Lee freak out would be so worth it. He sighed. Love is so troublesome.

Just as he finished his thought, the class got dismissed for lunch. Gaara and Sakura decided they would eat their lunch together on the roof. They both went to the cafeteria to buy their food. But Sakura bought some other stuff too, such as a bit of extra food for after dinner that night.

"Gaara-kun! I'll meet you there! I just have to get something for tonight." she said. Gaara merely nodded.

Shikamaru was behind them and heard Sakura tell Gaara to meet her somewhere. Though he didn't know where they were meeting. Just then, Sakura got to the cash register and paid for her food. He was about to ask her where she was going, but couldn't when the lunch lady asked what he wanted.

While he ordered, Sakura slipped away. 'This is so troublesome. Why am I so interested in this anyways? Oh that's right! She's talking to Gaara! And Gaara and her seems to have crushes on each other!' he thought. He then decided to show the guys the picture later. And then dig deeper into whats going on between Gaara and Sakura. **(A/N: Ooh! Scandalous!)**

He moved away from the lunch line, to sit at their usual table. Eventually, all of them were there. **(A/N: 'them' refers to: Shino, Kiba, Hinata, Tenten, Neji, lee, Sasuke, Naruto, Sai, Ino, Chouji, and himself.)**Shikamaru decided to wait until they were done eating, to show them the picture.

On the roof!

Sakura was sitting there with Gaara, calmly eating lunch. She noticed Gaara was politely staring **(A/N: is that even possible?)** at her omlette. She smiled. "Gaara-kun?"

He looked. "Yeah?"

A wide grin spread across Sakura's face. "Say 'ahh'" she held up a piece of omlette with her chopsticks, and looking unbearably cute. Not able to resist, Gaara opened his mouth slowly. "Aah!" she placed the omlette in his mouth. As he closed it. His eyes widened as he chewed. It was SOO good!

From the stairs, his siblings Kankuro and Temari, saw the whole thing. They rushed down the stirs as fast as they could, to go tell the others.

When they both arrived at the cafeteria, Lee's yell was the first thing they heard. "NO WAY! MY YOUTHFUL BLOSSOM WOULD NEVER BE CHEATING ON ME UNYOUTHFULLY WITH THE UNYOUTHFUL GAARA-SAN! I WONT BELIEVE IT!" Shikamaru sighed. Lee was about to crush his phone to get rid of the evidence, when Kankuro burst in the room and walked over to the table where they **(A/N: see earlier for 'they'/them reference)** sat.

"Umm... guys? I just saw Gaara being fed a piece of egg by Sakura..." Kankurou began.

Temari cut him off. "They're on the roof."

Sadly, they were overheard by the rest of the people in the room. Karin started doing a happy dance, the Akatsuki were a little agitated, (except for Tobi, who jumped up and ran to 'Go protect Cherry-chan from the evil monster that eats peoples candy!'. Screaming of course.) Lee pretty much followed Tobi, to go see if their 'unyouthful' claim was true, completely copying him with the screaming. Sasuke just stared dumbfoundedly into his tomato soup. Ino was also silently cheering. Now Sasuke would be all hers! She started to cackle out loud, and Karin joined the cackle fest with the same thought.

Everyone in the room stared at them, as if they were insane. Which they probably are. They both decided, that since their motives were the same, that they would team up, JUST THIS ONCE! To hook Sakura up with Gaara.

Meanwhile on the roof, Tobi just got there. "MEANIE MONSTER-SEMPAI! STAY AWAY FROM TOBIS CHERRY-CHAN!" yelled Tobi.

Sakura and Gaara stared at him. "Why lollipop?" questioned Sakura.

"Because Cherry-chan! He's an evil monster that steals candy from innocent little Tobi's like Tobi in Tobi's dreams!" screeched Tobi. Sakura stared at him dumbfound.

Just then, Lee burst through the door onto the roof. "SAKURA-SAN! PLEASE DO NOT UNYOUTHFULLY CHEAT ON ME!" he yelled.

"I won't..." she said. Lee got excited, until she finished her sentence. "because it's not cheating, if I'M NOT DATING YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE!" she continued. Lee stared at her in shock.

"What? I'm not!" she protested.

Gaara looked over at Tobi and decided to scare him a little. "Rawr." he said, monotonously. Tobi screeched and barrelled down the stairs, nearly knocking over Karin and Ino. Lucky for you, readers, Karin tripped and smashed her face into the wall!

Tobi continued to scream, drawing the attention of Kakashi-sensei, who was on his lunch break. He began to walk towards the stairs. His one visible eye widened as a student with a swirly orange mask crashed into the floor beside him.

"Are you alright?"

the boy looked up. "Mwaaaaah!" he began to bowl. "Monster... hic... Cherry-chan... sniff... hostage!" Tobi cried.

Kakashi sweat dropped. "Calm down and then tell me again."

Tobi sniffed and stood up. "Evil candy-stealing monster has taken Tobi's Cherry-chan hostage!"

Kakashi sweat dropped again. He never did understand this kid.

Meanwhile, Karin had stood up, and walked over. "Hey, pinkie? You and Gaara look great together! You should totally hook up!" Karin said.

Lee had a hopeless look in his eyes, as Sakura looked pensive. Gaara just did what Gaara does best! He stared, and stared, and stared.

Soon enough, Kakashi came to the sight of Lee grabbing one of Sakura's legs, Gaara's fingers entwined with hers as he was holding her arm, Karin holding her other leg, and Ino had her other arm. She was currently being pulled in four different directions, and was suspended in the air. She looked over at Kakashi. "Hi Sensei!"

The reasons as to why everyone suddenly decided it would be a good idea to play tug-of-war with a person, namely Sakura, was as follows. Lee thought that if he won, he would win her eternal love. Ino and Karin both thought that if they won, they would win over Sasuke's heart and get the privilege of being his girlfriend. Gaara thought that if he won, he would get to be her friend.

In all his shock, Kakashi ran his hand over his face in an attempt to clear his mind, and he accidentally pulled his mask down, without realizing it. At that moment, the rest of them (refer to earlier words.) and the Akatsuki had just burst through the door. They all looked at Sakura, wondering what had caused this tug-of-war with Sakura. Though Karin and Ino were involved, so they assumed it was something over Sasuke.

They then realized the 5 of them were staring at Kakashi. They looked, and their jaws became unhinged. His mask was off. Everyone froze. Hidan then very slowly raised his phone and took a picture of Kakashi's exposed face, in a very comical way. On Kakashi's left cheek, was what appeared to be...

**And here ya have it! ch. 8 of Shinobi academy! Please give us your ideas! They will be much appreciated! Thanks you so very much! Bye bye!**


	10. Chapter 9

**Hello! Please give us your ideas! We will give you credit for them! We will be all like "and the idea for the endless hours of typing is from... KELPIEJH! And stuffs! Only with your idea, and your name. Well, user name. Not your real name. But you know what i mean. **

**Disclaimer: we still do not own Naruto. Who ever gave Cait123 the jackhammer and the TNT, it didn't work. Masashi Kishimoto had some _slight_ problems with Caits plan. Give us time. We will still fail, but we will not give up!**

**Enjoy!**

On Kakashi's left cheek, there appeared to be a Hello Kitty tattoo. The almighty Hatake Kakashi, who reads porn novels written by the health teacher, has a temporary Hello Kitty tattoo on his face.

All of a sudden, Sakura was dropped. Kakashi then realized what had happened, and quickly pulled his mask back up.

Sakura smiled at him quickly. "Sensei? What's with the tattoo?" Kakashi looked away. Trying to ignore the question. Sakura asked him again, in order to ignore the throbbing pain in her skull because of being dropped. Kakashi sighed, seeing that he couldn't get out of it. "It was Anko and Tsunade's fault. Anko came up with the plan, Tsunade got me drunk, then that she-devil (Anko) put this childish tattoo on my face. She did it yesterday, actually."

All of them stared in shock. Quickly, Sakura imagined his face, without the embarrassing tattoo. And he was pretty hot. "So Sensei, why do you wear the mask? I'm sure you look good without it." Sakura stated, earning some looks from the guys.

Kakashi sighed. "It's because at my last teaching job, none of the girls did their work, in favour of staring at my face. That's why. I don't really was half of my class to fail, because of something stupid!" _**(A/N: mini monologue!)**_ everyone nodded in understanding.

Kakashi's one eye widened. "Oh yeah! Tobi said something about candy monsters taking cherries hostage. Whats that all about?" Sakura began to laugh, as she stood up. However the pain made her black out and start falling down the stairs. She couldn't stop as she fell forwards towards her (certain?) doom, making everyone either freeze, or go into over-drive.

Suddenly, someone wrapped their arms around her waist. It was Kabuto. Everyone who wasn't frozen, namely Sasuke, Gaara, Itachi and Hidan, all froze at the sight of who had caught Sakura. Sakura came to, seconds later.

When she opened her eyes, she saw Tobi running around at the bottom of the stairs, yelling "I MUST CATCH TOBI'S CHERRY-CHAN! CHERRY-CHAN CAN NOT GET INJURED! NOT ON TOBI'S WATCH!"

Just how he would catch her while running in circles, she would never know. She then realized, someone was holding her. She turned around, and came face to face with Kabuto.

"Umm... Thanks." she said. A VERY small smile on her face.

"No problem. And I know how you can pay me back." he said, a slight smirk on his face.

"Oh yeah? How?" she asked. Matching his smirk perfectly.

"I wish to spend a whole school day, hanging around with you, Sakura-chan." How all the boys saw it; was Kabuto was trying to win her heart?

She hesitantly answered. "Umm... Sure!" she said. Thinking she'd made a new friend.

Once he walked away, Zetsu then decided he would take Sakura to the infirmary. Hidan beat him to it, though. He scooped Sakura up in his arms, and began to carry her bridal style, down to the infirmary.

As they were walking, (or in Sakura's case, carried) to the infirmary, Sakura looked up at him. "Thank you, Hidan-kun!" she said quietly. "No problem, Blood Blossom." he said softly, as he smiled at her.

When they got to the infirmary, he had to sit with her for a bit. Right before he left, and once the nurse had arrived, she grabbed his hand and he looked at her. "What is it Sakura? Is something wrong?" he asked.

She motioned for him to lean closer. Once he was close enough, Sakura kissed his cheek. "Thank you!" she whispered, before she passed out.

Hidan blushed madly. When he turned around, he saw Kakuzu and Zetsu. when both of them saw his blush, they could only stare. "What the fuck are you looking at?" Hidan shouted. He then remembered Sakura was sleeping only mere feet behind him. He cringed. When he looked back, he saw she was still sleeping. He breathed a sigh of relief. "Good! She didn't wake up!" Then him, Kakuzu, and Zetsu all walked out of the room, leaving Sakura in the care of the nurse who was there.

A few hours (and missed classes) later, Sakura woke up.

"Ah! You're awake! You have a slight concussion, but it shouldn't affect your ability to move."

Sakura blinked in confusion. "I think I'm fine..." she trailed off. "Who are you?"

The nurse looked surprised. "Sakura-chan? Its me Shizune!" she said in a worried tone.

"Who's Sakura-chan?" Shizune was stunned. "You're Sakura. What's wrong!?"

Sakura tilted her head to the side, before bringing her hands up to her head. "I can't remember!" she whispered at first. "I can't remember! What's wrong with me!? WHY CAN'T I REMEMBER!?" she shrieked.

"Wait here!" Shizune ordered. "TSUNADE-SAMA!" Shizune yelled as she ran out of the room.

Sakura sighed. 'Why can't I remember what happened after eating lunch with Gaara, and Sensei's tattoo?' she thought.

Tsunade rushed in. "Sakura? Do you know who I am?" Tsunade was panicked. "Sakura, please answer!" she pleaded.

'I'll just mess with them a little...'

'**HELL YEAH! Lets pretend to have amnesia! Even though we kinda didn't remember anything for a bit... Still.**' agreed inner.

Sakura looked over. "I don't know."

Tsunade paled. "Call down everyone who was at the scene of the accident. NOW!" Shizune bowed and rushed away.

They soon heard on the P.A. system Shizune calling them down. "Could Gaara, lee, Ino, Karin, Hidan, Itachi, Kisame, Kakuzu, Pein, Konan, Deidara, Sasori, Tobi, Zetsu, Tenten, Neji, Shikamaru, Chouji, Hinata, Kiba, Shino, Naruto, Sai, Sasuke, Kabuto, and Hatake Kakashi please come down to the office. NOW!" all the people who were called, rushed down to the office. Kakashi, who was on his way to his class, sighed and walked over. "I guess I'll be later than usual."

When they arrived, they all saw Tsunade and Shizune looking very upset. "What's wrong- dattebayo?" Naruto yelled/ questioned. He really was worried.

Tsunade then started to cry softly. Shizune's the one who answered. "It seems Sakura has gotten amnesia. She doesn't remember anything. I need to-" Shizune was cut off when the door burst open.

"WHERE IS MY YOUTHFUL STUDENT?" screamed Gai.

"GAI- SENSEI!" cried Lee, his eyes getting even wider than usual.

"LEE!"

"GAI-SENSEI!" suddenly, a sunset scene appeared. "LEE! We shall run 500 laps of the school! To punish you for what has happened!"

"YES! Gai-sensei!"

"GAI!" yelled Tsunade. "I need Lee! He has to help the other 24 people help get Sakura's memories back! And I must find out what happened!" explained Tsunade.

Hatake Kakashi stepped forward. "When I got up to the roof, because Tobi said a scary monster that takes candy from had captured Cherry-chan and was holding her hostage, Sakura was suspended in the air by..." Tsunade leaned closer, and Ino, Karin, Lee, and Gaara started to back out of the room.

Sadly, Gai was blocking the door. Tsunade noticed this, so she asked them "Was it you?" Gaara and Lee slowly nodded, while Ino and Karin rapidly shook their heads. Tsunade just gave them her 'really?' look. Hinata stepped forward, and explained everything she saw. And I do mean EVERYTHING! The only thing she DIDN'T mention, was Kakashi's tattoo, to preserve Kakashi's pride. _**(A/N: I don't know what good that did. Tsunade was one of the people who did that. And everyone in the room, with the exception of Shizune, already knows about it. Well, maybe Gai doesn't know... If he did, he'd probably get one too.)**_

Tsunade nodded. "Alright! I'll bring one person in at a time. You have 5 minutes to try to get her to remember you. When your time is up, it's the next person's turn." she explained. Everyone nodded in agreement.

"Kakashi, you'll go first, so you can go back to your class."

Kakashi entered to room. A few seconds later, they all heard a scream, followed by her yelling "PERVERTED OLD MAN! GET AWAY FROM ME!" she shrieked. Kakashi calmly walked out the door, leaving her alone.

"Why did she call me that? T_T" he cried.

"Maybe it was your book." Sasuke pointed out. Kakashi then realized that his book, Icha Icha paradise, was still in his hand. Everyone sweat dropped.

Tsunade sighed. "Go back to class. Zetsu, you're up."

Zetsu nodded, and went in. He decided he would tell her about Kabuto's stalking, and what went down between Orochimaru and Sasuke. It didn't matter if she couldn't remember who Sasuke, Kabuto, or Orochimaru were. Right? And this is how he told her.

"Hello Sakura-chan! I'm Zetsu. **Do you want to hear what happened between Sasuke, Orochimaru, and Kabuto?**" he asked. Sakura looked at him blankly. He took that as a yes.

"Ok! So it was in science class. Sasuke had just confessed his love to Orochimaru, and Orochimaru got all excited and stuff. **Then the both of them started to say weird things, such as Orochimaru proposed to Sasuke, and Sasuke said yes, and all kinds of stuff like that.** They then decided to have Kabuto plan the wedding. Then Kabuto had to start stalking Sasuke to find out stuff about him, and then... Yeah. **End of story.**" meanwhile, on the other side of the door, Sasuke had heard everything.

When Zetsu left the room, he was viciously attacked by Sasuke. "WHAT THE HELL PLANT BOY!? THAT NEVER HAPPENED!" he yelled. "Now she'll think I'm gay! What'll happen to my reputation?" he freaked out.

"Little brother, why do you care?" Itachi calmly asked.

Sasuke looked over at Itachi. "Zetsu said all lies!" Itachi sweat dropped.

"You're next!" Tsunade said, as she pointed to a random person.

He bounded into the room. "Cherry-chan! Tobi is so sorry that Tobi couldn't save Cherry-chan from evil monster! Also, Tobi is Tobi!" guess who THAT is! _**(A/N: Gee I wonder...)**_

Sakura looked over. She smiled. "You look like..." she trailed off.

"Like..." Tobi repeated.

"Like a lollipop!" she said, as if she had just figured out the hardest problem in the world, won the Nobel prize, or a million dollars.

Tobi jumped up and down. "YES! TOBI IS A LOLLIPOP! TOBI IS THE CANDY MAN!" he ran out of the room, twirling. "Cherry-chan said Tobi looks like lollipops!" Tobi yelled happily. Tsunade gave him a kind smile.

"Hidan! You're next."

He walked in, and started swearing. All Sakura did, was pick up a book, and fling it at his face. "Umm... you kissed my cheek..." Sakura was genuinely confused.

'Did I really do that?' she asked herself.

'**The hell I should know?**' her inner retorted.

Sakura just stared at him blankly until his time was up. He sighed and shook his head, as he left the room.

When he was out of the room, he walked to the wall opposite the door, doing his best to mask the little pang of pain in his chest. _**(A/N: you'd think his FACE would hurt more, being hit by a book and all...)**_

'She doesn't remember. Why does it hurt so much to know she doesn't remember?' he thought. Tsunade's loud voice, shook him out of his thoughts, and echoed down the empty hallway.

"Kakuzu! Your turn!" she commanded.

When Kakuzu walked through the door, Sakura stared at him. He walked closer, keeping his eyes trained on her. She started to act scared. When he was close enough, she attacked him, making him have to pin her down onto the bed.

3 minutes later, she calmed down, and he got off of her.

Stare.

Stare.

Stare.

Finally, with about a minute to spare, Kakuzu said "I will give you money, $15 to be exact, if you remember me."

Sakura stared at him in confusion. "Money? Whats money?" she asked. Kakuzu just stared until his time was up. Nobody was surprised she didn't remember him.

"Kisame! you're next!" Kisame walked in.

Sakura looked a little intimidated by his size, however, she just sat there. "Hi there, Sakura-chan! Its me Kisame! The one your mother tried to eat! Remember?"

Sakura said one word that made him smile. "Fishy!" she nodded. "You look like a fish." she began to laugh at him. He laughed along with her. When he left, he was smiling that she thought he looked like a fish.

"Itachi! Your next!"

Itachi walked in. "I'm Uchiha Itachi. The one your mother keeps inviting over for dinner."

She thought for a second. "My moms cooking... I remember something... grey... bubbling... orange goo..."

Itachi paled. "That's the la-la-la-la-lasa-lasa-lasa-lasa-"

"Lasa?" she questioned. Before realization spread across her face. "Lasagna!"

Itachi screamed and ran out of the room. Everyone noticed. "What's wrong?" asked Hidan.

Itachi froze, and slowly turned to face him. "She remembered her mom's... Lasagna." both Hidan and Itachi proceeded to run away screaming.

Kisame chuckled. "I've never seen the lasagna, but I've seen her sushi!" that got everyone laughing.

"Deidara! You're up!" Tsunade commanded.

Deidara shrugged and walked through the door. He held something small and white in his hand. When Sakura saw him, she smiled. Inner cackled. "You're the first girl to come in here! And you're really pretty too!" she said with a smile. She then walked over and held her hand out.

"Maybe we could be friends?" Sakura asked. 'She' smiled. And shook her hand. Sakura soon found out, however, that 'she' was in fact a guy. Not a girl. But she didn't mind.

He then showed her the bird in his hand. She, once again, admired it. When he left, he had made a friend in Sakura, even though she didn't remember him. Next was Sasori.

He walked in, and Sakura smiled. "Who are you guys?" she asked.

Sasori smiled. "Akasuna Sasori." he then gestured to the puppet. "This is a puppet. Not a person. It's the puppet you saw on the first day of school." he explained. He smiled even more when she walked over and started admiring the puppet. He patiently waited for her to finish.

'Some people are worth waiting for.' he thought. Though he would never admit it.

She then turned to Sasori, and did what she had done when she first met him. Though it didn't bug him this time. He didn't know why he was being so patient with her. He usually had no patience. It confused him.

"You're a puppet boy!" he smiled and walked out. He was happy she remembered that about him.

"Pein! You're up. Be nice to her." Tsunade warned, as she glared at the orange haired boy.

Pein walked in. Sakura just stared. "What are you looking at?" he asked.

"You have swirly eyes. They make me think of numbers." Pein smiled. She vaguely remembers the math project. "I'm Pein Akatsuki. Nice to re-meet you Sakura-san."

They talked until his time was up. It was Konan's turn next.

"I'm Konan! I hope you're doing better!"

Sakura smiled. "I really like your hair! The flower is a nice touch!" Sakura exclaimed.

Konan pulled out some paper, and she taught Sakura how to make origami cranes, flowers, animals and hats. Sakura pouted a little, when she had to go. "Don't leave Konan-chan! Some of the other people scare me!" she said with tears in her eyes.

Konan sighed. "I have to leave. Trust me, I don't want to either. I can come back later if you want!"

Sakura smiled. "Yeah! I'll be waiting!" Konan gave a little wave as she left.

"Alright! Up next is Gaara." Gaara walked in, as Konan walked over to the rest of Akatsuki.

"What did you do?" they asked.

"I made some origami with her."

Gaara looked at Sakura for a minute, before mumbling to himself "It's all my fault. This is all my fault!" over, and over, and over, and over again.

Sakura heard him, and got confused. "How is this all your fault?" she questioned.

Gaara looked at her, and she clearly saw the sadness haunting his eyes. She felt a pang in her heart at seeing her friend in such a way. "I was one of the people holding you up. Then me, along with the other 3 people, dropped you, which landed you here." he explained. Sakura walked over and hugged him, unsure of what else she could do.

He froze for a second, before hugging her back. "I forgive you. What's your name?" she asked.

"Sabaku Gaara." he responded. They then talked for the rest of Gaara's 5 minutes.

Once Gaara's time was up, Sakura heard Tsunade yell at the people in the hall "WHERE IS HE?" then, as if on cue, the door opened.

**And we are finished! Thanks for reading! Now, we must part ways for 3 weeks. But we will not go away. Not yet! We have more of our story to share with you! Just give us time! **


	11. Chapter 10

**On with the feigned amnesia! Enjoy! I have nothing else to say right now. Sorry! Maybe next time!**

**Disclaimer: still no Naruto. Not under our names anyways. **

In walked a taller boy, with glasses, and white hair pulled back in a ponytail. "I'm Yakushi Kabuto. Please don't forget about our little date tomorrow." he sneered.

Sakura narrowed her eyes. 'Is he trying to take advantage of our semi-feigned amnesia?' she asked inner.

'I don't recall us having any contact with him before now.' she replied.

"Why? I don't even know you." she told him.

He smirked. "I caught you when you fell down the stairs."

She glared at him. "Why were you there?"

Kabuto looked surprised. "I... I was.. Umm... I was going to give Sasuke some homework he missed."

Sakura raised her eyebrow. "Suuuuure you were. Now GET THE HELL OUT!"

He sprinted out of the room, as the next person came in.

In walked a boy with red triangles on his face. "Remember me?" he grinned. "I'm Inuzuka Kiba. We met before. This really sucks, doesn't it?" he asked.

She nodded her head. "It does. Im not sure I could even recognize my best friend. Or worse, my parents!" _**(A/N: though she probably doesn't want to remember the food.)**_

Kiba laughed. "Hey, at least it isn't worse! Oh, I smuggled in my dog, Akamaru. Wanna pet him?" Kiba said, as he brought out Akamaru from who-knows-where.

Sakura was shocked at how big the dog was, and she looked the boy over, trying to see where the dog could have come from. "You won't find out where he came from. That's my little secret." he said, a mischievous smile gracing his lips.

Sakura smiled back, as she reached her hand out for Akamaru to sniff. Once Akamaru licked her hand and arm, she pet him.

Kiba watched her. "I hope you get your memories back soon. Almost everyone on the other side of that door-" he gestured to said door. "is worried sick about you." he said, sincerity evident in his voice.

"What do you mean by almost everyone?" Sakura questioned.

"Well, Sasuke appears to be concerned. He would never admit it, but it's quite obvious that he's worried about you. Karin and Ino, they feel bad, since this was partly their faults, but I don't think they would care as much as everyone else. And Kabuto, he's Kabuto. He doesn't care about any one. Other than maybe Orochimaru. But that relationship is more like a boss and employer, of sorts." he responded.

'CHAA! I thought Ino was our friend!' raged inner.

After a while, Kiba left and in came Shino. The guy no one remembers.

"I'm Shino Aburame, and I like bugs. I hope you feel better soon." Sakura nodded. "Nice to re-meet you Shino-san." Sakura said, a smile gracing her lips.

Shino reached up. "So you know, you're the first person outside of my family, who has seen this."

He took off his glasses.

His eyes were normally sized, but were changing colours. They went from a neon orange, to a pale green like Gaara's. _**(A/N: And thus, the second eternal mystery of the Narutoverse has been solved.)**_

Sakura gasped. "Is this why you hide them?" he nodded. "They're beautiful! I'm so glad you showed me!" she said, as his eyes kept changing colours.

He put his glasses back on and left.

"NEXT IS HINATA!" Tsunade yelled.

Hinata walked in the room, and they talked for a while.

Eventually, Hinata said something that shocked Sakura. "U-um, I l-like N-Naruto-kun a lot... But h-he never notices m-me."

Sakura gaped. "Hinata, I bet you have lots of fans! So why Naruto? No offence."

Hinata smiled sweetly. "I-I don't k-know. I just d-do."

Sakura sighed. "Well, you guys are complete opposites, based on our previous conversation. (what they were talking about was her friends) However," Sakura paused. Hinata leaned forwards. "that's what makes you cute together!"

Hinata smiled and walked out. Just as the door closed, in walked DUN DUN NA NA! CHOUJI!

Sakura held back the urge to run at him and say "TEDDY BEAR!" while hugging him. She could do that later.

"Hello Sakura-chan! Do you remember me? You always call me teddy bear!" said Chouji with a smile. Sakura resisted the urge to nod. Instead, she looked at him blankly, just like she had with everyone else.

They talked for a couple minutes, before Chouji randomly blurted "I'm the skinniest person in my family, and I'm trying to go on a diet!" he then left the room, leaving Sakura shocked. 'Inner! What'll I do? Teddy won't be as fluffy anymore!' Her inner was silent. Son enough, she heard snoring. 'Damn you.'

Shortly after, Shikamaru entered the room.

The first thing he said, wasn't "troublesome" or something of the sort. It actually was "Have you ever had a crush on someone but known it probably won't happen, and that they aren't your style, and could never like you? Kinda like how I feel about Temari..." he trailed off. "By the way, I'm Shikamaru."

Sakura was shocked to find out that the lazy bum Shikamaru, had a crush on Temari. They, like Hinata and Naruto, are complete opposites. Temari is hard working, while Shikamaru is anything but!

She replied with a bit of jealousy. "I don't know. Because of my memory loss, I probably wouldn't even know them, if they hit me in the face!"

Shikamaru sighed. He knew love was troublesome. Sakura smiled. "I do, however, have this funny feeling, like butterflies, when ever I try to think of someone I might have liked. Can't be sure though."

Shikamaru smiled before handing her some cookies. "Food in the infirmary is gross, and troublesome. Eat these instead." with that, he walked out of the room.

Ino walked in, and launched into a monologue about how she was sorry. Eventually, she started discussing Karin and 'claiming' Sasuke-kun was hers.

"Ya know, I don't even know why I teamed up with Karin in the first place. I'm embarrassed about that. Also, is it just me, or is Sai a little cute...GAH! I might as well say Shikamaru is handsome. Which he kinda is... NO WAY! SASUKE-KUN WILL ALWAYS BE MY #1!"

Sakura simply nodded, feeling slightly overwhelmed by everything Ino was saying. "I see.." Ino realized what she had said, and slowly backed out of the room, flustered.

The next person that came in, Sakura wished hadn't.

It was her #1 fan, Rock Lee.

"My youthful blossom! I am Rock Lee, and will you go on a date with me when you recover? As my punishment for dropping you, I shall run 500 laps around the school! If I fail, I shall do 1000 jumping jacks! If that does not work, I shall swim 1000 laps of the lake!" it continued like this for about 4 minutes.

Finally, Lee remembered why he was here. "My youthful blossom! I am sorry I dropped you so unyouthfully!" he apologized.

Sakura groaned. She wished Lee would leave.

Almost immediately, he was called out, and in came... TENTEN! Sakura was relieved Lee had to leave. Tenten saw that, and laughed. "Yeah. Lee can be a bit much. I'm Tenten." she said.

Sakura smiled. "I think my name is Sakura." she said back.

Tenten smiled again. "Yup! That's your name! Good job! No one else knows this, but I need to tell someone. I like Neji. Like, a lot. I have for a while, but he never notices." Eventually, her time was up.

Neji then walked in, finding Sakura looking pensive. She didn't even acknowledge his existence, until he coughed. "Ahem!"

She snapped her head up to look at him. "Sorry! I totally didn't mean that! So who are you, anyways?"

Neji nearly sweat dropped, except he doesn't do pointless things like that. "I'm Hyuga Neji. Good to see you're doing alright. We were all worried when you blacked out and fell down the stairs. I wish I had done something sooner, but I froze up... Wow. I can't believe that I'm rambling again. Please don't tell anyone, but I really do like to talk a lot. I just can't normally."

Sakura smiled. "That's alright. I have the feeling that I have something I want to do, but can't for some reason." Neji gave her a soft smile.

She nearly spoke too fast as she said "You know what? You can talk as much as you want, ok? I really don't mind."

"Thanks! I appreciate it!" Their conversation continued pretty much the same until his time was up.

Next up, was Sai.

When he walked in, Sakura could tell he was going to say something personal, just like everyone else.

"Hello, Sakura. I'm Sai. I'm glad the others haven't driven you mad yet." Was the first thing he said, his typical fake smile in place.

"Oh no! They have! I just like meeting new people! That's all." she replied.

'We already know him, though. So you could have just left it as they have.' said inner.

'Yeah, well... he doesn't need to know that.' said Sakura. She then shoved inner in her corner.

Sai sweat dropped. "Ummm... ok then... want to know something?" he asked.

It was then, that Sakura realized people used this opportunity to tell her things, that they thought she would forget, that they just needed to tell someone. Everyone seemed to think it would be ok to tell the semi-feigned amnesiac their little secrets.

"Sure!" Sakura said, excitedly.

"Ok. Well I have this crush on Ino. And I know where she lives, and where her room is. So sometimes, while she's asleep, I sneak into her room, and draw her." _**(A/N: creepy, stalker dude!)**_ Sai said with a serious face.

Sakura froze. 'how do I respond to that?' she asked inner, who made no response. She was asleep in the corner of Sakura's mind.

Sakura just stared. "Ok then..."

With a couple minutes of awkward silence, Sai left, and Naruto bounded in.

"Hi Sakura-chan! How are you feeling? Do you hate that idiot Lee, now? OMG! I totally forgot that Karin did something, too..."

4.5 minutes later

"Nice talking to you, Naruto..." Sakura said as soon as Naruto finished his monologue, and bounded out of the room.

She was thinking about what he had said, and ignored the next person who entered the room.

'He said he liked me! What do I do? I really want him to get together with Hinata though...' she thought.

She looked up to see Sasuke leaning against the wall.

"Sakura." she paid more attention to him. "Umm...Thanks for helping me in the play. I'm also sorry for not doing anything to help you."

Sakura smiled. "It's alright!"

Just then, Sasuke said something that was completely uncharacteristic of him. "You know, I like this girl..." Sakura felt a pang in her chest. "She's beautiful, smart, funny, pretty much anything you could ask for. There's only one problem. She's in the hospital. I don't know if she'll be ok, or if she'll ever be the same again."

Sakura felt really dejected. "I'm sorry. I had to tell someone. Please don't tell anyone."

She smiled softly. "I won't. Tell her to get better soon, ok?"

Sasuke smiled and began to walk away. As he was about to leave, he turned. "Get better soon. I'll tell her too."

He left, and Sakura didn't know why she felt sad, or why it hurt so much. 'He's just a friend. I shouldn't feel this way!'

Before she could do anything, in came the ice queen herself.

"So, Sakura. MY Sasuke-kun came in and talked to you. But you'd better remember: Sasuke-kun WILL be MINE! NOT YOURS! NOT INO'S! MINE! DO NOT TOUCH HIM!" Karin yelled.

All of the sudden, the door burst open, and there stood Kisame, Sasuke, Kakuzu, and Tobi.

When Karin saw Sasuke, she got all excited. "Sasuke-kun! Did you come to tell her you're mine, and not hers?" she asked, in an ever hopeful voice.

"Hn." Sasuke replied.

Sakura burst out laughing. "Haha! Good one Sasuke!" Sasuke smiled a bit at Sakura.

Karin tried to attack Sakura, but got restrained by Kisame and Kakuzu, and scolded by Tobi.

"MEAN FIRE LADY HAD BETTER LEARN TO BE NICE TO TOBI'S CHERRY-CHAN! OR THE MEAN LADY WILL HAVE MAKE ENEMIES OUT OF TOBI'S FRIENDS! RIGHT DEIDARA-SEMPAI? SEMPAI? WHERE ARE YOU?" he yelled. Kisame and Kakuzu sweat dropped. Karin shuddered. Menwhile in the bathroom.. Deidara sneezed. "Damn you Tobi! Un."

Sakura laughed slightly. She fell quiet, before sneaking up behind Karin. She grabbed Karin's shoulders, and whispered "Boo!" in her ears.

Karin screamed bloody murder and high tailed it out of the room.

Tsunade walked in. "Alright kiddos! School's almost over. Get ready to go home. Sakura, I'll call your parents to come pick you up."

Sasuke gave her one last look before he left.

About 15 minutes later, her parents arrived, and brought her home in time for dinner. "We're having pizza tonight!" her mother sang as she cooked. Sakura sighed. "I guess I couldn't talk to Konan-chan again before we had to leave..."

**and there ya have it! Hope you enjoyed!**


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